A New Me

I've always believed I was destined for something great. Even as a young girl, I thought about the world a little differently from my peers. Now, as an adult, I realize that my life is far from what I expected it to be. Heck, is anyone living the life they imagined they would? Probably not... however, I'm beginning to yearn for something more. Something meaningful. Something that makes an impact.

Yes, I'm making plans to move soon, directing my life towards music, a lifelong love of mine. But, that's selfish. Not necessarily in a bad way, but nevertheless, selfish. There is a whole other dream world of mine that lives only in my thoughts. In light of recent events, it's aching to be expressed.

It's my love for people. All of them.

While I live my daily life expressing peace and love through my actions, my lack of action is what's bothering me. There are many things I am passionate about, but it's very easy to say and write these things all over the world wide web, while the actual world is left in the dust of my musings. I'm all talk, and I'm tired of it.

Take For Example:
I was watching the benefit concert for Hurricane Sandy the other night. Simultaneously, I was browsing different coverage online of the devastation, and what's being done. I suddenly had a very strong urge to discard all of my belongings, buy a plane ticket, and fly to the East Coast. The thought of just showing up, walking around, and helping wherever I could possibly be needed... it excited the very core of me. Not because I could brag about it. Not because people would think I was generous or giving. But because people NEED IT. What the hell am I doing? Sitting around, wasting my life doing nothing, contributing not a damn thing to society? A waste of space is what I feel like lately. Not only am I lacking contribution to society, I'm barely taking care of myself as it is.

I tend to frustrate myself. As you could probably imagine. BUT...

Something's boiling inside of me.
I literally feel like a pot of water, sitting on a stovetop, the heat overbearing, the bubbles rising...
I feel a new me being born.

A me I've hidden only in my thoughts, conversations with friends, songs, private rants to myself... all subtle hints at a very strong woman inside, dying to express how she really feels. Verbally, but most importantly, through action!

Our planet is dying, our people are hurting, our society is crumbling, our children are suffering, our government is failing, our lives are changing... in very serious, dangerous, and catastrophic ways. What are you doing about it? What am I doing about it?!

NOTHING!

The more I read, the more I educate myself, the stronger I become. I can tell you right now, this is only the beginning of a new me. A me who fights for what she believes in. A me who raises her voice to the skies. A me who has always been there, lurking in my soul, fighting with my brain to send the impulses through my body and ACT ON THEM!

I want to be someone who fights for the rights of the people I love so very much.
I want to enact change. For myself. For those around me.
It's time we all stood up.
This country, let alone the world, is in for some devastating times.
I feel it's only just begun.
I'm afraid.
And through that fear, I will grow strong.
Join me <3

Dream Baby

Yesterday, I had my heart broken.
Today, I woke up a new woman.

I love when that happens.

I said I wasn't going to write about it, but I honestly don't care anymore. Why wouldn't I write about it? That's me. That's who I am. Unapologetic for how I feel, and open and honest with my writing. And see... that's where it all ties in. Confused yet? Follow me...

For two years, I have been in love with a man who will never love me.
Boom.
The truth.
I have obviously let it go on for far too long... but if you met someone who is everything you've ever wanted, wouldn't you fight for it? "Love is patient, love is kind.." Well, I've been kind and patient and now I just want to move on. This person really is a wonderful man, he just fails to see how amazingly awesome I am. What I realized today, is that that's okay. His loss, right? No... it's not. And that's also okay.

You see, I'm finally finding acceptance. Acceptance for that which I cannot change. If I am not the person he wants, then I shouldn't be the one he has. And really, I shouldn't want to be. I spoke about this person, quite vaguely, but quite often, in my last blog. I once said, "What if you meet the man of your dreams, but you're not the woman of his?" Does it mean you should wait around for years, hoping he will one day see how great you are and sweep you off your feet? NO. However, I have no regrets, just lessons learned.

One such lesson I've learned is to just be myself. I spent so much time trying to be something he would want, instead of just being me. The pressure and uneasiness that comes with this task is just not worth it. At all. I learned this lesson in friendships long ago, but love is a tricky feeling... It clouds the mind, weakening the heart. It leaves you vulnerable. It makes everything else seem less important. You pine, pray, lie awake, hope, yearn, ignore concern, dwell, stew, a lover's brew... you just... live for this person, no matter what. No matter how much it hurts you. No matter how little they care. It's all you can think about. I have been doing this for two years...

So when hope reared its seemingly innocent head again, I jumped at the opportunity to make this happen. Yesterday, I got the final blow. He's seeing someone again. And it's not you. LET IT GO!!! ... so, I did. I am. It's a process, but it all started with the truth. Now that he knows it, I can finally move forward and begin properly healing. Besides not being my true self for quite some time, I have also left myself closed off from any other opportunities for love. Real love. True love. No one has ever compared to him, but therein lies the problem. Compared... I shouldn't be comparing him to anyone. For one, that's completely unfair to anyone I meet. And for two, he was never even mine to begin with! How can I even begin to assume we would've been perfect together? How am I to know that no one else can give me what I "think" he would've given me? And how in the hell can I just wait around, hoping to find out one day??

So, you see how unhealthy this was.

I dreamed a lot last night. Tossing and turning, I would fall back into another dream, starring you know who. Every. Time. When I awoke, I realized that he was only who I wanted him to be in my dreams. However, I cannot live in my dreams. I live in the real world. And the reality is, he will never be mine. Like a slap to the face, I snapped out of my dream world. I'm only beginning to heal from this pain, this unrequited love... the difference between now and the last couple of years is one painfully necessary feeling: acceptance. Refusing to accept the facts has only left me wading in my dream pool. Constantly struggling for air, fighting the waves of truth, searching for an island in a sea of hopeless dreams. This morning, I washed up on the shores of life. Real life. It's not going to be easy. Far from it. Though my heart was weak during this strange period of my life, it beats strong today, knowing I'm finally doing the right thing. For myself. Not for him, not for what I wish we could've had, but for my own heart and soul. One day, I'm going to find the one who loves me for exactly who I am. And I, him. In the meantime, I'm embracing who I am, and letting her live just the way she deserves to live... as herself. Not someone adjusting to what someone else wants. What kind of life is that??

So. Dream Baby, thank you. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being yourself. Thank you for lessons learned. And thank you, for letting me go... You may continue to star in my dreams, but the man for me is out here, in real life, waiting for me. I plan to be there when he arrives.

The Cat In The Bag

I feel like I'm being crushed. Like a ceiling of fears just caved in on me. I knew there was a reason I hadn't written this post yet... then it happened. The ultimate truth that I refused to see for so long revealed itself today, snapping me back to reality. So here I am, dealing with a reality I ignored and despised. Yes, it hurts... however, it almost feels freeing. Like I can finally begin again...

You're wondering if I will share what happened? No. It's much too personal, but it did, in fact, affect some near-future plans of mine. Plans I had.. planned... to share with you, in a brilliantly titled post, "The Cat In The Bag". You know, because I was letting the cat... out... of the bag... ? Yes? .....You get it.

So an adventurous trip halfway across the country has been cancelled. Or... postponed. Just need a different state! For those who aren't in my every day life, I was planning a trip to visit a friend in a state I'd never been. There were many reasons behind this trip, but whatever they were, that trip is a no go. So. For the actual news...

By March of next year, I will finally be spreading my wings and leaving Los Angeles. Alllllll the way to..... San Diego. Sooo, not too far. This move, however, is a huge step in my life, for I will be joining two of my very best friends on a musical journey. We will be living together, making music together, and pushing each other on our own individual journeys through life. I am so incredibly excited and blessed to have this opportunity, so I plan to give it my all.

I know I don't give this blog nearly enough attention, but I think I needed to let myself fall a bit... in order to really pick myself up. I've had some very rough days recently, as in the last few months, and I'm starting to realize exactly what was holding me back. Now that my eyes are open to a truth I needed to hear, my heart is allowed to feel what it knew it should've been all along.

So now, I heal.
Now, I move forward.
Now, I live life.

I will continue to write about the next few months, leading up to my adventure in San Diego. Hopefully, with a bit more enthusiasm. As for making an entertaining post today? It's just not in me... BUT. Never fear, my friends! I will move on, grow stronger, and remain wiser. It's just another speed bump on life's long road.