I've always believed I was destined for something great. Even as a young girl, I thought about the world a little differently from my peers. Now, as an adult, I realize that my life is far from what I expected it to be. Heck, is anyone living the life they imagined they would? Probably not... however, I'm beginning to yearn for something more. Something meaningful. Something that makes an impact.
Yes, I'm making plans to move soon, directing my life towards music, a lifelong love of mine. But, that's selfish. Not necessarily in a bad way, but nevertheless, selfish. There is a whole other dream world of mine that lives only in my thoughts. In light of recent events, it's aching to be expressed.
It's my love for people. All of them.
While I live my daily life expressing peace and love through my actions, my lack of action is what's bothering me. There are many things I am passionate about, but it's very easy to say and write these things all over the world wide web, while the actual world is left in the dust of my musings. I'm all talk, and I'm tired of it.
Take For Example:
I was watching the benefit concert for Hurricane Sandy the other night. Simultaneously, I was browsing different coverage online of the devastation, and what's being done. I suddenly had a very strong urge to discard all of my belongings, buy a plane ticket, and fly to the East Coast. The thought of just showing up, walking around, and helping wherever I could possibly be needed... it excited the very core of me. Not because I could brag about it. Not because people would think I was generous or giving. But because people NEED IT. What the hell am I doing? Sitting around, wasting my life doing nothing, contributing not a damn thing to society? A waste of space is what I feel like lately. Not only am I lacking contribution to society, I'm barely taking care of myself as it is.
I tend to frustrate myself. As you could probably imagine. BUT...
Something's boiling inside of me.
I literally feel like a pot of water, sitting on a stovetop, the heat overbearing, the bubbles rising...
I feel a new me being born.
A me I've hidden only in my thoughts, conversations with friends, songs, private rants to myself... all subtle hints at a very strong woman inside, dying to express how she really feels. Verbally, but most importantly, through action!
Our planet is dying, our people are hurting, our society is crumbling, our children are suffering, our government is failing, our lives are changing... in very serious, dangerous, and catastrophic ways. What are you doing about it? What am I doing about it?!
NOTHING!
The more I read, the more I educate myself, the stronger I become. I can tell you right now, this is only the beginning of a new me. A me who fights for what she believes in. A me who raises her voice to the skies. A me who has always been there, lurking in my soul, fighting with my brain to send the impulses through my body and ACT ON THEM!
I want to be someone who fights for the rights of the people I love so very much.
I want to enact change. For myself. For those around me.
It's time we all stood up.
This country, let alone the world, is in for some devastating times.
I feel it's only just begun.
I'm afraid.
And through that fear, I will grow strong.
Join me <3
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Dream Baby
Yesterday, I had my heart broken.
Today, I woke up a new woman.
I love when that happens.
I said I wasn't going to write about it, but I honestly don't care anymore. Why wouldn't I write about it? That's me. That's who I am. Unapologetic for how I feel, and open and honest with my writing. And see... that's where it all ties in. Confused yet? Follow me...
For two years, I have been in love with a man who will never love me.
Boom.
The truth.
I have obviously let it go on for far too long... but if you met someone who is everything you've ever wanted, wouldn't you fight for it? "Love is patient, love is kind.." Well, I've been kind and patient and now I just want to move on. This person really is a wonderful man, he just fails to see how amazingly awesome I am. What I realized today, is that that's okay. His loss, right? No... it's not. And that's also okay.
You see, I'm finally finding acceptance. Acceptance for that which I cannot change. If I am not the person he wants, then I shouldn't be the one he has. And really, I shouldn't want to be. I spoke about this person, quite vaguely, but quite often, in my last blog. I once said, "What if you meet the man of your dreams, but you're not the woman of his?" Does it mean you should wait around for years, hoping he will one day see how great you are and sweep you off your feet? NO. However, I have no regrets, just lessons learned.
One such lesson I've learned is to just be myself. I spent so much time trying to be something he would want, instead of just being me. The pressure and uneasiness that comes with this task is just not worth it. At all. I learned this lesson in friendships long ago, but love is a tricky feeling... It clouds the mind, weakening the heart. It leaves you vulnerable. It makes everything else seem less important. You pine, pray, lie awake, hope, yearn, ignore concern, dwell, stew, a lover's brew... you just... live for this person, no matter what. No matter how much it hurts you. No matter how little they care. It's all you can think about. I have been doing this for two years...
So when hope reared its seemingly innocent head again, I jumped at the opportunity to make this happen. Yesterday, I got the final blow. He's seeing someone again. And it's not you. LET IT GO!!! ... so, I did. I am. It's a process, but it all started with the truth. Now that he knows it, I can finally move forward and begin properly healing. Besides not being my true self for quite some time, I have also left myself closed off from any other opportunities for love. Real love. True love. No one has ever compared to him, but therein lies the problem. Compared... I shouldn't be comparing him to anyone. For one, that's completely unfair to anyone I meet. And for two, he was never even mine to begin with! How can I even begin to assume we would've been perfect together? How am I to know that no one else can give me what I "think" he would've given me? And how in the hell can I just wait around, hoping to find out one day??
So, you see how unhealthy this was.
I dreamed a lot last night. Tossing and turning, I would fall back into another dream, starring you know who. Every. Time. When I awoke, I realized that he was only who I wanted him to be in my dreams. However, I cannot live in my dreams. I live in the real world. And the reality is, he will never be mine. Like a slap to the face, I snapped out of my dream world. I'm only beginning to heal from this pain, this unrequited love... the difference between now and the last couple of years is one painfully necessary feeling: acceptance. Refusing to accept the facts has only left me wading in my dream pool. Constantly struggling for air, fighting the waves of truth, searching for an island in a sea of hopeless dreams. This morning, I washed up on the shores of life. Real life. It's not going to be easy. Far from it. Though my heart was weak during this strange period of my life, it beats strong today, knowing I'm finally doing the right thing. For myself. Not for him, not for what I wish we could've had, but for my own heart and soul. One day, I'm going to find the one who loves me for exactly who I am. And I, him. In the meantime, I'm embracing who I am, and letting her live just the way she deserves to live... as herself. Not someone adjusting to what someone else wants. What kind of life is that??
So. Dream Baby, thank you. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being yourself. Thank you for lessons learned. And thank you, for letting me go... You may continue to star in my dreams, but the man for me is out here, in real life, waiting for me. I plan to be there when he arrives.
Today, I woke up a new woman.
I love when that happens.
I said I wasn't going to write about it, but I honestly don't care anymore. Why wouldn't I write about it? That's me. That's who I am. Unapologetic for how I feel, and open and honest with my writing. And see... that's where it all ties in. Confused yet? Follow me...
For two years, I have been in love with a man who will never love me.
Boom.
The truth.
I have obviously let it go on for far too long... but if you met someone who is everything you've ever wanted, wouldn't you fight for it? "Love is patient, love is kind.." Well, I've been kind and patient and now I just want to move on. This person really is a wonderful man, he just fails to see how amazingly awesome I am. What I realized today, is that that's okay. His loss, right? No... it's not. And that's also okay.
You see, I'm finally finding acceptance. Acceptance for that which I cannot change. If I am not the person he wants, then I shouldn't be the one he has. And really, I shouldn't want to be. I spoke about this person, quite vaguely, but quite often, in my last blog. I once said, "What if you meet the man of your dreams, but you're not the woman of his?" Does it mean you should wait around for years, hoping he will one day see how great you are and sweep you off your feet? NO. However, I have no regrets, just lessons learned.
One such lesson I've learned is to just be myself. I spent so much time trying to be something he would want, instead of just being me. The pressure and uneasiness that comes with this task is just not worth it. At all. I learned this lesson in friendships long ago, but love is a tricky feeling... It clouds the mind, weakening the heart. It leaves you vulnerable. It makes everything else seem less important. You pine, pray, lie awake, hope, yearn, ignore concern, dwell, stew, a lover's brew... you just... live for this person, no matter what. No matter how much it hurts you. No matter how little they care. It's all you can think about. I have been doing this for two years...
So when hope reared its seemingly innocent head again, I jumped at the opportunity to make this happen. Yesterday, I got the final blow. He's seeing someone again. And it's not you. LET IT GO!!! ... so, I did. I am. It's a process, but it all started with the truth. Now that he knows it, I can finally move forward and begin properly healing. Besides not being my true self for quite some time, I have also left myself closed off from any other opportunities for love. Real love. True love. No one has ever compared to him, but therein lies the problem. Compared... I shouldn't be comparing him to anyone. For one, that's completely unfair to anyone I meet. And for two, he was never even mine to begin with! How can I even begin to assume we would've been perfect together? How am I to know that no one else can give me what I "think" he would've given me? And how in the hell can I just wait around, hoping to find out one day??
So, you see how unhealthy this was.
I dreamed a lot last night. Tossing and turning, I would fall back into another dream, starring you know who. Every. Time. When I awoke, I realized that he was only who I wanted him to be in my dreams. However, I cannot live in my dreams. I live in the real world. And the reality is, he will never be mine. Like a slap to the face, I snapped out of my dream world. I'm only beginning to heal from this pain, this unrequited love... the difference between now and the last couple of years is one painfully necessary feeling: acceptance. Refusing to accept the facts has only left me wading in my dream pool. Constantly struggling for air, fighting the waves of truth, searching for an island in a sea of hopeless dreams. This morning, I washed up on the shores of life. Real life. It's not going to be easy. Far from it. Though my heart was weak during this strange period of my life, it beats strong today, knowing I'm finally doing the right thing. For myself. Not for him, not for what I wish we could've had, but for my own heart and soul. One day, I'm going to find the one who loves me for exactly who I am. And I, him. In the meantime, I'm embracing who I am, and letting her live just the way she deserves to live... as herself. Not someone adjusting to what someone else wants. What kind of life is that??
So. Dream Baby, thank you. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being yourself. Thank you for lessons learned. And thank you, for letting me go... You may continue to star in my dreams, but the man for me is out here, in real life, waiting for me. I plan to be there when he arrives.
Monday, December 10, 2012
The Cat In The Bag
I feel like I'm being crushed. Like a ceiling of fears just caved in on me. I knew there was a reason I hadn't written this post yet... then it happened. The ultimate truth that I refused to see for so long revealed itself today, snapping me back to reality. So here I am, dealing with a reality I ignored and despised. Yes, it hurts... however, it almost feels freeing. Like I can finally begin again...
You're wondering if I will share what happened? No. It's much too personal, but it did, in fact, affect some near-future plans of mine. Plans I had.. planned... to share with you, in a brilliantly titled post, "The Cat In The Bag". You know, because I was letting the cat... out... of the bag... ? Yes? .....You get it.
So an adventurous trip halfway across the country has been cancelled. Or... postponed. Just need a different state! For those who aren't in my every day life, I was planning a trip to visit a friend in a state I'd never been. There were many reasons behind this trip, but whatever they were, that trip is a no go. So. For the actual news...
By March of next year, I will finally be spreading my wings and leaving Los Angeles. Alllllll the way to..... San Diego. Sooo, not too far. This move, however, is a huge step in my life, for I will be joining two of my very best friends on a musical journey. We will be living together, making music together, and pushing each other on our own individual journeys through life. I am so incredibly excited and blessed to have this opportunity, so I plan to give it my all.
I know I don't give this blog nearly enough attention, but I think I needed to let myself fall a bit... in order to really pick myself up. I've had some very rough days recently, as in the last few months, and I'm starting to realize exactly what was holding me back. Now that my eyes are open to a truth I needed to hear, my heart is allowed to feel what it knew it should've been all along.
So now, I heal.
Now, I move forward.
Now, I live life.
I will continue to write about the next few months, leading up to my adventure in San Diego. Hopefully, with a bit more enthusiasm. As for making an entertaining post today? It's just not in me... BUT. Never fear, my friends! I will move on, grow stronger, and remain wiser. It's just another speed bump on life's long road.
You're wondering if I will share what happened? No. It's much too personal, but it did, in fact, affect some near-future plans of mine. Plans I had.. planned... to share with you, in a brilliantly titled post, "The Cat In The Bag". You know, because I was letting the cat... out... of the bag... ? Yes? .....You get it.
So an adventurous trip halfway across the country has been cancelled. Or... postponed. Just need a different state! For those who aren't in my every day life, I was planning a trip to visit a friend in a state I'd never been. There were many reasons behind this trip, but whatever they were, that trip is a no go. So. For the actual news...
By March of next year, I will finally be spreading my wings and leaving Los Angeles. Alllllll the way to..... San Diego. Sooo, not too far. This move, however, is a huge step in my life, for I will be joining two of my very best friends on a musical journey. We will be living together, making music together, and pushing each other on our own individual journeys through life. I am so incredibly excited and blessed to have this opportunity, so I plan to give it my all.
I know I don't give this blog nearly enough attention, but I think I needed to let myself fall a bit... in order to really pick myself up. I've had some very rough days recently, as in the last few months, and I'm starting to realize exactly what was holding me back. Now that my eyes are open to a truth I needed to hear, my heart is allowed to feel what it knew it should've been all along.
So now, I heal.
Now, I move forward.
Now, I live life.
I will continue to write about the next few months, leading up to my adventure in San Diego. Hopefully, with a bit more enthusiasm. As for making an entertaining post today? It's just not in me... BUT. Never fear, my friends! I will move on, grow stronger, and remain wiser. It's just another speed bump on life's long road.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Green Acres
Ya' know, sometimes... I read too much. I research too much. I obsess too much. Shocker. However, recently I've been reading and learning some very interesting things. A lot of weird stuff is going on... I don't believe it all, but I believe enough. Terrifying stuff... but the more I read, the more I think: "Well, better live it up then!"
I've been making plans to 'live it up' for some time now, but today marked an important step towards my goals. It's all becoming real... and I couldn't be more excited!!! Taking control of my life and creating a new reality for myself is an extraordinary feeling. I feel powerful... but not in a dangerous way. In a freeing way... like I can do whatever I set my mind to. Because, I can. And for once, I'm gonna.
My trip to Fresno was successful in so many ways. Not only did I reunite with some wonderful people, but I was finally away from the city, able to think; breathe; be. It gave me the few days I needed to really think about what is important to me. Leaving LA, diving into music, and a new adventure; these are the experiences I've been craving. Finally, today, I told my work as much. Come March, I'm out of here. It's real.
Damn, shit just got real!
This is really happening!! I will soon begin a new chapter in my life. One that can shape my entire future. I'm no longer a prisoner to what I thought I needed to do, and who I thought I needed to be... the answer was always within me. It is me. Just me. Me being me.
My Aunt Roxy told me I was wasting my talents. She was right. I know I'm capable of more, yet I've always settled for less. No more, my friends! None of it may turn out how I expect, so I'm going in with no expectations. Because... no matter where I go, no matter what I find, no matter who I become, I will know I followed my heart. I will take pride in my decisions and learn from my mistakes. I will keep my positive attitude and attract those who appreciate it. Oh yes, I will follow my heart and do what makes me happy. Isn't that what life is about? All of these stories I've been reading (yes, I remember how this started), they keep me educated. Knowledge is power, so I take it all in. But I won't let it control my life. I do that. So, while they motivated me to begin this post, the underlying story here, folks, is that Shaneil is moving on. To greener pastures? I'd stay tuned and see.. =)
I've been making plans to 'live it up' for some time now, but today marked an important step towards my goals. It's all becoming real... and I couldn't be more excited!!! Taking control of my life and creating a new reality for myself is an extraordinary feeling. I feel powerful... but not in a dangerous way. In a freeing way... like I can do whatever I set my mind to. Because, I can. And for once, I'm gonna.
My trip to Fresno was successful in so many ways. Not only did I reunite with some wonderful people, but I was finally away from the city, able to think; breathe; be. It gave me the few days I needed to really think about what is important to me. Leaving LA, diving into music, and a new adventure; these are the experiences I've been craving. Finally, today, I told my work as much. Come March, I'm out of here. It's real.
Damn, shit just got real!
This is really happening!! I will soon begin a new chapter in my life. One that can shape my entire future. I'm no longer a prisoner to what I thought I needed to do, and who I thought I needed to be... the answer was always within me. It is me. Just me. Me being me.
My Aunt Roxy told me I was wasting my talents. She was right. I know I'm capable of more, yet I've always settled for less. No more, my friends! None of it may turn out how I expect, so I'm going in with no expectations. Because... no matter where I go, no matter what I find, no matter who I become, I will know I followed my heart. I will take pride in my decisions and learn from my mistakes. I will keep my positive attitude and attract those who appreciate it. Oh yes, I will follow my heart and do what makes me happy. Isn't that what life is about? All of these stories I've been reading (yes, I remember how this started), they keep me educated. Knowledge is power, so I take it all in. But I won't let it control my life. I do that. So, while they motivated me to begin this post, the underlying story here, folks, is that Shaneil is moving on. To greener pastures? I'd stay tuned and see.. =)
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Addicted To Happy
I awoke today, awakened.
I awoke today, revived.
I awoke today... alive!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. A brand new life, at that. Something is... different. All of the sadness, fear, worry, angst... it's dimmed its blinding light, allowing me to see more clearly than I have in a very long time. I woke up early, made coffee, and got to work. The first step on this plan I speak of is to clean this apartment and minimize the junk. Unfortunately, I have a lot of what you may call "junk"... I tend to attach sentimental value to the most mundane items... therefore acquiring a lot of... well- crap.
...But I digress...
The point is, I feel better than I have in months. Maybe even longer! I feel strength inside of me I never knew possible. Courage. Ahhh... courage. We don't really get along, now do we? I am quite the wuss, and not necessarily proud of it, but accepting of it. It's just who I am, darn it! Sometimes, however, courage is necessary to move forward in life. Hell, that's almost always the case! And finally, it's happened to me... right in front- of my face, and I just- cannot hiiiide it!!!
So that happened.
It's pretty obvious, even as I sit here writing, that I even "sound" happier. I feel as if a boulder has been lifted from my aching shoulders. It feels.... wuuuunderbar! Absolutely, blissfully amazing. I broke free! Free from the pull of a dragging soul. I feel like me again. This is truly a day in my own personal history I won't soon forget.
This week will affect my future more than any other week so far this year. I'm seeing a lot of very special people in my life, all influences on who I am in very big ways. Tomorrow, I visit my "LA Father" (previously mentioned in my last blog, 'A New Beginning'), and have dinner with my wonderful ex-boyfriend turned true friend, Jordan. This weekend, I see my family. My amazing, loving, genuine family. And I spend the entire weekend with my Grammy. Probably the most supportive person I've ever known... and through years of building a mutual respect for each other, my best friend. This week will be epic, to say the least.
Life is a tricky little fella'. It pulls you in so many directions, physically... mentally... emotionally... All I've ever wanted was happiness. Not money. Not fame. Just happiness. The older I get, the more I realize what truly makes me happy. Recently discovering it is not the life I'm living was terrifying. You mean, I have to change everything...?! "Yup", life snickers. Jerk.
So here I am... on a new journey, but this time, not so terrified. I won't just talk about it anymore! Hooray! Progress is addicting, I tell ya'... and though I need another vice like I need a hole in the head, I think I'll let this one stick.
I awoke today, revived.
I awoke today... alive!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. A brand new life, at that. Something is... different. All of the sadness, fear, worry, angst... it's dimmed its blinding light, allowing me to see more clearly than I have in a very long time. I woke up early, made coffee, and got to work. The first step on this plan I speak of is to clean this apartment and minimize the junk. Unfortunately, I have a lot of what you may call "junk"... I tend to attach sentimental value to the most mundane items... therefore acquiring a lot of... well- crap.
...But I digress...
The point is, I feel better than I have in months. Maybe even longer! I feel strength inside of me I never knew possible. Courage. Ahhh... courage. We don't really get along, now do we? I am quite the wuss, and not necessarily proud of it, but accepting of it. It's just who I am, darn it! Sometimes, however, courage is necessary to move forward in life. Hell, that's almost always the case! And finally, it's happened to me... right in front- of my face, and I just- cannot hiiiide it!!!
So that happened.
It's pretty obvious, even as I sit here writing, that I even "sound" happier. I feel as if a boulder has been lifted from my aching shoulders. It feels.... wuuuunderbar! Absolutely, blissfully amazing. I broke free! Free from the pull of a dragging soul. I feel like me again. This is truly a day in my own personal history I won't soon forget.
This week will affect my future more than any other week so far this year. I'm seeing a lot of very special people in my life, all influences on who I am in very big ways. Tomorrow, I visit my "LA Father" (previously mentioned in my last blog, 'A New Beginning'), and have dinner with my wonderful ex-boyfriend turned true friend, Jordan. This weekend, I see my family. My amazing, loving, genuine family. And I spend the entire weekend with my Grammy. Probably the most supportive person I've ever known... and through years of building a mutual respect for each other, my best friend. This week will be epic, to say the least.
Life is a tricky little fella'. It pulls you in so many directions, physically... mentally... emotionally... All I've ever wanted was happiness. Not money. Not fame. Just happiness. The older I get, the more I realize what truly makes me happy. Recently discovering it is not the life I'm living was terrifying. You mean, I have to change everything...?! "Yup", life snickers. Jerk.
So here I am... on a new journey, but this time, not so terrified. I won't just talk about it anymore! Hooray! Progress is addicting, I tell ya'... and though I need another vice like I need a hole in the head, I think I'll let this one stick.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Don't Worry, Be Happy
I'm in a fantastic mood tonight! What a nice change of pace... my body aches, my mind still races, my heart steps lightly... but I'm happy. I'm cheerful =) Hoorah!
I'm really trying to change my attitude and perspective for the better. I realize I've been a big pity boo hoo party lately, but it's all a process towards a better, happier me. A couple of wonderful people in my life have reminded me that it's okay to break down; it's okay to be upset; it's okay not to always be the positive, outgoing one. I'm still human, and an emotional one at that! Oh, yes... we know this well, don't we?
Anywho, I know one big reason as to why I feel so great tonight. I'm going home, if only for a couple of days. And it's not going home that makes me feel so great, because honestly, I don't miss it. However, I miss the people; the love; the understanding. LA is just not the place for me, and though I'm working on a new plan, it's nice to at least get away for a bit. And to see my Mom and siblings and Grammy and cousins and... eek!!! So excited! I just love these people with all of my beating heart, and I cannot WAIT to see them! Happy Shaneil- yay!
A very nice customer, who has recently begun reading my blog, had a lovely talk with me about my blog and what he had discovered. He worded things in a way I have yet to hear, and it got me thinking... I spend so much time doing nothing but sitting around, trying to find happiness from within. Okay, not so bad when read aloud, but the point he made was not to forget to allow external stimulation in... he mentioned reading, but also being out and about; seeing art; being social; simply, living. I haven't done much of that these days. So though going home for the holidays may seem mundane to most, to me, it's everything. Getting away from the daily grind, while being surrounded by people who genuinely care for me... I really couldn't imagine anything better right now.
I've felt myself getting lower and lower, sinking deeper and deeper... into an abyss of self-mutilation by analytical approach. Make sense? Basically, I'm over-analyzing the shit outta' myself! It's time to relax. To breathe. To just... be. Live. We will all encounter struggles in our lives, be them small or great. What makes us strong as individuals is pushing the lid off that well of emotions, embracing the lessons we learn along the way. In other words, I can't just sit around and dwell on these feelings. Yes, I must act on them in the pursuit of good ol' happiness, but I can't leave my life in the dust of my thoughts. (Lots of weird metaphors popping up suddenly... I'm tired!) The point is, I won't let the weight of life crush me. I'm stronger than that. I've been through much worse. So, I won't worry. About a thing. 'Caaause-
Every.
Little.
Thing.
Is gonna be alright... <3
I'm really trying to change my attitude and perspective for the better. I realize I've been a big pity boo hoo party lately, but it's all a process towards a better, happier me. A couple of wonderful people in my life have reminded me that it's okay to break down; it's okay to be upset; it's okay not to always be the positive, outgoing one. I'm still human, and an emotional one at that! Oh, yes... we know this well, don't we?
Anywho, I know one big reason as to why I feel so great tonight. I'm going home, if only for a couple of days. And it's not going home that makes me feel so great, because honestly, I don't miss it. However, I miss the people; the love; the understanding. LA is just not the place for me, and though I'm working on a new plan, it's nice to at least get away for a bit. And to see my Mom and siblings and Grammy and cousins and... eek!!! So excited! I just love these people with all of my beating heart, and I cannot WAIT to see them! Happy Shaneil- yay!
A very nice customer, who has recently begun reading my blog, had a lovely talk with me about my blog and what he had discovered. He worded things in a way I have yet to hear, and it got me thinking... I spend so much time doing nothing but sitting around, trying to find happiness from within. Okay, not so bad when read aloud, but the point he made was not to forget to allow external stimulation in... he mentioned reading, but also being out and about; seeing art; being social; simply, living. I haven't done much of that these days. So though going home for the holidays may seem mundane to most, to me, it's everything. Getting away from the daily grind, while being surrounded by people who genuinely care for me... I really couldn't imagine anything better right now.
I've felt myself getting lower and lower, sinking deeper and deeper... into an abyss of self-mutilation by analytical approach. Make sense? Basically, I'm over-analyzing the shit outta' myself! It's time to relax. To breathe. To just... be. Live. We will all encounter struggles in our lives, be them small or great. What makes us strong as individuals is pushing the lid off that well of emotions, embracing the lessons we learn along the way. In other words, I can't just sit around and dwell on these feelings. Yes, I must act on them in the pursuit of good ol' happiness, but I can't leave my life in the dust of my thoughts. (Lots of weird metaphors popping up suddenly... I'm tired!) The point is, I won't let the weight of life crush me. I'm stronger than that. I've been through much worse. So, I won't worry. About a thing. 'Caaause-
Every.
Little.
Thing.
Is gonna be alright... <3
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
On The Road Again
This path towards happiness and a new change in my life is opening new insights and new perspectives every day. I'm constantly overwhelmed with various emotions, each one leading me towards a new revelation.
I'm beginning to realize how unhappy I am...
How frightened I am...
How alone I am...
Yet, simultaneously, reminding myself how strong I can be...
How strong I am.
I hold the power to create the reality I want to exist in... but I find myself wallowing in sorrow and self-pity. I want to leave LA. I want to be in love. I want to do more with my life. I want... no, I need, change. Damn that broken record player!
So I've said all of this before, time and time again, but it feels like the more I say it, the more I believe it. And the more I believe it, the stronger I feel inside. The stronger I feel, the more motivated I feel... and believe me, I need motivation!
The main struggle I'm having is feeling alone. So alone. I had a nice talk with my Grammy the other day, and she reminded me not to dismiss how hard it is to be single and alone. She reassured me that it's okay to feel that way. I guess I don't like to admit it, being so aware of the many struggles for so many other people. I don't feel like I have the right to be sad about being alone... but I am. I would do anything for someone I truly loved... and only want someone to feel the same. And that's okay. What I shouldn't do, however, is put all of my efforts into something that is never gonna happen...
But that's another story.
In the meantime, it is incredibly important that I love myself as I would said future lover. And, to be totally honest, I am not doing that. Today, however, I awoke knowing this. I've never been more aware of the damage I'm causing by neglecting myself. So, I'm embarking on a new road towards happiness. Not only everything I've discussed recently, but also keeping my mind and heart away from an illusion I've built up... Vague, I know, but some things are better left private. I guess my point is- I'm changing. I'm evolving. I'm growing and learning and continuing to love. This maze of emotions is taking me all over the place, but it's leading me towards something better. Something I deserve. And when I get there, all of this moaning and groaning and hurting will be worth it.
Every. Single. Bit of it.
I'm beginning to realize how unhappy I am...
How frightened I am...
How alone I am...
Yet, simultaneously, reminding myself how strong I can be...
How strong I am.
I hold the power to create the reality I want to exist in... but I find myself wallowing in sorrow and self-pity. I want to leave LA. I want to be in love. I want to do more with my life. I want... no, I need, change. Damn that broken record player!
So I've said all of this before, time and time again, but it feels like the more I say it, the more I believe it. And the more I believe it, the stronger I feel inside. The stronger I feel, the more motivated I feel... and believe me, I need motivation!
The main struggle I'm having is feeling alone. So alone. I had a nice talk with my Grammy the other day, and she reminded me not to dismiss how hard it is to be single and alone. She reassured me that it's okay to feel that way. I guess I don't like to admit it, being so aware of the many struggles for so many other people. I don't feel like I have the right to be sad about being alone... but I am. I would do anything for someone I truly loved... and only want someone to feel the same. And that's okay. What I shouldn't do, however, is put all of my efforts into something that is never gonna happen...
But that's another story.
In the meantime, it is incredibly important that I love myself as I would said future lover. And, to be totally honest, I am not doing that. Today, however, I awoke knowing this. I've never been more aware of the damage I'm causing by neglecting myself. So, I'm embarking on a new road towards happiness. Not only everything I've discussed recently, but also keeping my mind and heart away from an illusion I've built up... Vague, I know, but some things are better left private. I guess my point is- I'm changing. I'm evolving. I'm growing and learning and continuing to love. This maze of emotions is taking me all over the place, but it's leading me towards something better. Something I deserve. And when I get there, all of this moaning and groaning and hurting will be worth it.
Every. Single. Bit of it.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Breakdown, It's Alright...
I'm goin' down, folks- and it ain't pretty! Sandi's leaving tomorrow, moving down to San Diego, and I'm bummed. And being bummed is reminding me of everything else I'm bummed about. And that, in turn, is bumming me out!! *Siiigh*
Okay, so I'm having a weeee bit of a meltdown. But it's okay! I think I need it... I've been having some really, really bad days... low days... but suddenly I'm smiling and laughing a bit, at myself of course. And ya' know what? It feels good. I think I suddenly just had the acceptance of the fact that everything is going to be okay. It is. Wow... it even felt good to say that! (Write that... whatever.)
The point is, it's the first time I've felt relief in quite some time. My mind has been travelling some dark and dreary paths, and I needed something, anything, and quickly. I have a plan for the near future, yes. I'm setting goals and creating ways to achieve them, yes. But it's all "someday" and "one day" and I need happiness "TOday". I can't dwell on the future. I can see it clearly, and strive towards it, but I can't just wait for it. I have to live in the present, feel apart of something. I was speaking about this with Ms. Sandi recently, and I said something to her that embodied exactly how I feel. It really shook me. I said, "I feel like nobody. Like I'm nobody." What a terribly depressing feeling! To feel no purpose... unnecessary... no use at all. Geez louise, Shaneil! GET IT TOGETHER!
To best describe this feeling in a relatable way, I guess I'd say I feel like someone who just realized they no longer believe in God. Someone who lost all faith in something better... it's a little terrifying! I started to wonder why I even existed... and took it too far. That's the short and skinny of it. But for the first time in a long time, I felt good tonight. Relieved, as I said. Letting it all crash down, if even for just a moment, released some deep-seeded feelings I've been struggling with. I'm still hurting, if not only beginning to hurt, but the path is a little brighter, a little more positive, a little more motivating. A bit more attainable and a lot more exciting! I have some big plans for this life of mine. It's time I embraced that, instead of dreading the wait. Every single day, I have the power to make that day mine. Make it something to remember. Make it a good day. Hmm... I feel like I know someone who has preached this before... but hey! I never said I take my own advice, I just looove to give it! ;)
Okay, so I'm having a weeee bit of a meltdown. But it's okay! I think I need it... I've been having some really, really bad days... low days... but suddenly I'm smiling and laughing a bit, at myself of course. And ya' know what? It feels good. I think I suddenly just had the acceptance of the fact that everything is going to be okay. It is. Wow... it even felt good to say that! (Write that... whatever.)
The point is, it's the first time I've felt relief in quite some time. My mind has been travelling some dark and dreary paths, and I needed something, anything, and quickly. I have a plan for the near future, yes. I'm setting goals and creating ways to achieve them, yes. But it's all "someday" and "one day" and I need happiness "TOday". I can't dwell on the future. I can see it clearly, and strive towards it, but I can't just wait for it. I have to live in the present, feel apart of something. I was speaking about this with Ms. Sandi recently, and I said something to her that embodied exactly how I feel. It really shook me. I said, "I feel like nobody. Like I'm nobody." What a terribly depressing feeling! To feel no purpose... unnecessary... no use at all. Geez louise, Shaneil! GET IT TOGETHER!
To best describe this feeling in a relatable way, I guess I'd say I feel like someone who just realized they no longer believe in God. Someone who lost all faith in something better... it's a little terrifying! I started to wonder why I even existed... and took it too far. That's the short and skinny of it. But for the first time in a long time, I felt good tonight. Relieved, as I said. Letting it all crash down, if even for just a moment, released some deep-seeded feelings I've been struggling with. I'm still hurting, if not only beginning to hurt, but the path is a little brighter, a little more positive, a little more motivating. A bit more attainable and a lot more exciting! I have some big plans for this life of mine. It's time I embraced that, instead of dreading the wait. Every single day, I have the power to make that day mine. Make it something to remember. Make it a good day. Hmm... I feel like I know someone who has preached this before... but hey! I never said I take my own advice, I just looove to give it! ;)
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Scattered Thoughts
I'm having one of those nights where I wish I was someone else.
...Yuck. I already hate this post.
I never feel this way. Ever. I really like who I've become, and how I still learn every day. However, for whatever reason, I feel really, really low tonight. And so I write...
Sometimes, I'm great.
Sometimes, I'm fun.
Heck, sometimes, I'm funny. Sometimes.
Sometimes, I'm a pain. Who isn't? For example, I left a hangout sesh early tonight because I have a problem. I simply cannot watch shows I've never seen in "large" groups. Large, being more than myself and one other person. I can't help it. I hear like an old lady as it is, and I really, really like to hear every single word. Seriously. It's no one's fault, just my own issue. So I came home.
Sometimes, I'm emotional. I am a woman, after all, and a songwriter, at that! So I think about things I long for and wonder if it's me... maybe if I change...
Pish posh, that's horseshit and I know it.
Yet, these are the things going through my mind tonight. Why do I have to be so difficult sometimes? Why do I blame myself for things I can't help? Why am I so hard on myself? It's strange to me, knowing myself so well, how I can be so forgiving with everyone but myself. Sure, I stand my ground where I see fit, but I try my hardest to accept people as they are. We all have our own unique personalities that make us "us"; being different is the beauty of people. But... here I sit. Beating myself down. Just for being me. How sad.
I could sit here and speculate and analyze and whine some more, but I know this feeling and from where it stems. I'm aching for that change I keep talking about. The good news? I actually mapped out my 6-month plan! Now... where to start...
But it isn't enough. I need results. Such is the engineer behind my procrastination: I overwhelm myself. Looking at the big picture only stretches the time... soon, however, time is up... no wonder I have anxiety.
So, short thoughts tonight. Can ya' keep up?? Probably not. It's okay, just think of this post like an engine. You're revving that engine, and there's noise coming out, but nothing's really coming alive yet. Yup! That's me right now. Allow me to collect these thoughts I've dropped everywhere and continue on another night. This mess ain't gonna clean up itself!
...Yuck. I already hate this post.
I never feel this way. Ever. I really like who I've become, and how I still learn every day. However, for whatever reason, I feel really, really low tonight. And so I write...
Sometimes, I'm great.
Sometimes, I'm fun.
Heck, sometimes, I'm funny. Sometimes.
Sometimes, I'm a pain. Who isn't? For example, I left a hangout sesh early tonight because I have a problem. I simply cannot watch shows I've never seen in "large" groups. Large, being more than myself and one other person. I can't help it. I hear like an old lady as it is, and I really, really like to hear every single word. Seriously. It's no one's fault, just my own issue. So I came home.
Sometimes, I'm emotional. I am a woman, after all, and a songwriter, at that! So I think about things I long for and wonder if it's me... maybe if I change...
Pish posh, that's horseshit and I know it.
Yet, these are the things going through my mind tonight. Why do I have to be so difficult sometimes? Why do I blame myself for things I can't help? Why am I so hard on myself? It's strange to me, knowing myself so well, how I can be so forgiving with everyone but myself. Sure, I stand my ground where I see fit, but I try my hardest to accept people as they are. We all have our own unique personalities that make us "us"; being different is the beauty of people. But... here I sit. Beating myself down. Just for being me. How sad.
I could sit here and speculate and analyze and whine some more, but I know this feeling and from where it stems. I'm aching for that change I keep talking about. The good news? I actually mapped out my 6-month plan! Now... where to start...
But it isn't enough. I need results. Such is the engineer behind my procrastination: I overwhelm myself. Looking at the big picture only stretches the time... soon, however, time is up... no wonder I have anxiety.
So, short thoughts tonight. Can ya' keep up?? Probably not. It's okay, just think of this post like an engine. You're revving that engine, and there's noise coming out, but nothing's really coming alive yet. Yup! That's me right now. Allow me to collect these thoughts I've dropped everywhere and continue on another night. This mess ain't gonna clean up itself!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
A Change Gonna Come
I'm so lost right now. Really. I'm so tired of being an emotional rollercoaster inside... all while living my life in miserable silence... waiting. Waiting for what?
I. Have. No. Clue.
But something... a change. A drastic one. I'm incredibly unhappy in LA, and it all hit me at an increasing rate, just over the past few months. I find myself looking around in disgust, and being a people person, I don't like feeling that way. But it's not just the people, it's everything... although the overall mentality here is a huge factor, I'm also just tired of seeing more concrete being built, more people suffering, more media... more crap. Crap, crap, crap.
So. Obviously, getting out of LA is a goal! However, it shouldn't matter where I live, or what I do... it all comes down to how I feel inside. Finding happiness within ourselves is something I often speak about. Yet I'm struggling to find it within myself. Great- so I move and then what? I become tired of that city and move again? No, this takes more thought... more planning. So maybe not a drastic change... but the planning of one.
But besides all of that talk, I need to figure out what truly makes me happy... what I want from life. What my purpose is. For myself. For my heart and soul and ever present being. What am I doing? ..... that's the real question there. What am I doing? What am I trying to accomplish? What's my life goal? Well, to be happy, of course... but how? Doing what? Working as hard as I do and as often as I do is good for me right now, but I cannot do it for too long... I have no life. I have no fun. We've established this. My spirit is MUCH too free to be so captive to the work force! I need inspiration. I need... change.
This is definitely the beginning of a new plan. A "life" plan =) However, for the sake of not becoming overwhelmed, let's take it one step at a time, shall we? How about a.... 6 month plan? Yes? We all agree? Good, 'cause that's what I'm doing. Details to come soon, I'm sure... in the meantime, you'll be seeing a lot more of these bloggy blogs, as I am going through some shit! But it's good shit. It's another path in another story of another chapter of my life... and this time, It's Just Me. And the power to create my own happiness... is mine.
I. Have. No. Clue.
But something... a change. A drastic one. I'm incredibly unhappy in LA, and it all hit me at an increasing rate, just over the past few months. I find myself looking around in disgust, and being a people person, I don't like feeling that way. But it's not just the people, it's everything... although the overall mentality here is a huge factor, I'm also just tired of seeing more concrete being built, more people suffering, more media... more crap. Crap, crap, crap.
So. Obviously, getting out of LA is a goal! However, it shouldn't matter where I live, or what I do... it all comes down to how I feel inside. Finding happiness within ourselves is something I often speak about. Yet I'm struggling to find it within myself. Great- so I move and then what? I become tired of that city and move again? No, this takes more thought... more planning. So maybe not a drastic change... but the planning of one.
But besides all of that talk, I need to figure out what truly makes me happy... what I want from life. What my purpose is. For myself. For my heart and soul and ever present being. What am I doing? ..... that's the real question there. What am I doing? What am I trying to accomplish? What's my life goal? Well, to be happy, of course... but how? Doing what? Working as hard as I do and as often as I do is good for me right now, but I cannot do it for too long... I have no life. I have no fun. We've established this. My spirit is MUCH too free to be so captive to the work force! I need inspiration. I need... change.
This is definitely the beginning of a new plan. A "life" plan =) However, for the sake of not becoming overwhelmed, let's take it one step at a time, shall we? How about a.... 6 month plan? Yes? We all agree? Good, 'cause that's what I'm doing. Details to come soon, I'm sure... in the meantime, you'll be seeing a lot more of these bloggy blogs, as I am going through some shit! But it's good shit. It's another path in another story of another chapter of my life... and this time, It's Just Me. And the power to create my own happiness... is mine.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!
I'm relaxed. I'm content. I'm... happy. And it's still kind of early for me! I feel good. And it feels sooo good to feel good. My mood has been very strange lately... still positive, still mostly happy, but a little dreamy... like I'm never really in the moment anymore. My mind has been wandering to the future, which is interesting, considering I've had more of a life in the past couple of weeks than the past more than a couple of months! What a mouthful! ............ I'll leave that one alone.
The point is, my mind has been stuck on my plans for the future, now that I have some, and I'm missing out on the happiness of the present. I think this past weekend really helped. I lived in the moment, more than a couple of times, and had some great moments. I had a lot of.... FUN! Fun... I've missed you. I never have fun anymore! What a drag! I literally just had this revelation! I never... ever... have fun. I mean, I love my job and I have fun there, but it's still work. It's still stressful. It's still... well, work! But I never go out, I rarely drink, and I go to bed at a decent hour. I'm a grown up! Ew.
I need to have fun. We all need to have fun. It keeps us sane! But since I work 6 days a week, and usually most of the day, I stay in, doing mostly nothing, so I can make it through the next day with the cheery side of myself I so adore. Then, when I finally get a day off, I spend it doing nothing! Because that feels amazing after the past 6 days of work. No wonder I need a vacation! I never have fun. Boo. Hoo.
Anyways, I feel good right now, and it's a glorious feeling! A feeling I'm going to feed much more from now on. I work my awesome ass off and I deserve it! Dagnabbit! I work so hard at a job where I'm serving people, that I sometimes forget to serve myself. I think we've all been guilty of that before. I'm just so glad I realized it! Hmm... this blogging stuff really does wonders for me, ya' know. I should do it more often =)
The point is, my mind has been stuck on my plans for the future, now that I have some, and I'm missing out on the happiness of the present. I think this past weekend really helped. I lived in the moment, more than a couple of times, and had some great moments. I had a lot of.... FUN! Fun... I've missed you. I never have fun anymore! What a drag! I literally just had this revelation! I never... ever... have fun. I mean, I love my job and I have fun there, but it's still work. It's still stressful. It's still... well, work! But I never go out, I rarely drink, and I go to bed at a decent hour. I'm a grown up! Ew.
I need to have fun. We all need to have fun. It keeps us sane! But since I work 6 days a week, and usually most of the day, I stay in, doing mostly nothing, so I can make it through the next day with the cheery side of myself I so adore. Then, when I finally get a day off, I spend it doing nothing! Because that feels amazing after the past 6 days of work. No wonder I need a vacation! I never have fun. Boo. Hoo.
Anyways, I feel good right now, and it's a glorious feeling! A feeling I'm going to feed much more from now on. I work my awesome ass off and I deserve it! Dagnabbit! I work so hard at a job where I'm serving people, that I sometimes forget to serve myself. I think we've all been guilty of that before. I'm just so glad I realized it! Hmm... this blogging stuff really does wonders for me, ya' know. I should do it more often =)
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The Pursuit of Happiness
So, I decided I am going to start another blog for my perception and reality rants... or wherever that goes... so be on the lookout for that! Now, back to life as I know it...
I'm definitely still in a rut, but I'm inching my way up the walls, burying the dread and negativity behind me. My emotions are so up and down, I can barely keep up! However, I'm aware of my state of madness, and am continually working towards that ultimate goal: Happiness. One thing I've been doing more? Writing. Which, honestly, makes me happier than pretty much anything else. Music may be a part of that, but writing in general is truly a passion of mine. I'm not the best, nowhere near it, but there's something about collecting my thoughts and having it right in front of me that really... oh, I don't know... tickles me pink. Or whatever. It makes me happy. And what is the ultimate goal, children? 'HAPPINESS!!!'
So. On that note, I'm sticking to things that make me happy. There's a magnetic quality about happiness... it's not uncommon to feel fear when that force grabs hold. More often than not, going after something that makes you truly happy can be, well... terrifying! We are so prone to thinking it will reject us... but positive thinking goes a long way. Believing in yourself and believing you deserve something can make a world of difference. For too long, I've struggled with my lack of self-worth. But really... why can't I be truly happy? Have I really ever done anything to make myself feel like I don't deserve happiness? No. I really haven't. I'm not perfect, but who the hell is? I try my best to be a good person every single day, and I'm trying harder, day by day. With the right balance of pressure and acceptance, I'm slowly, but suuuurely, becoming the woman I know I can be. Why am I telling you this? Oh, I'm not, I'm reminding myself. I tend to forget things.
So-
Daily mental reminders that I deserve happiness? Check!
Striving to be the best I can be, every day? Check!
Courage to approach happiness with open arms? Check!
Passion for that I love and those I love? Check!
Not a bad checklist, I'd say. We all need emotional goals, too. It can't all be about that new promotion, or a new wardrobe, or looking good, on or off paper... and I swear, if I hear one more person say they wanna win the lottery, I'm gonna lose it! Newsflash: We ALL want to win the lottery. But is that really going to solve every problem you have in life? No, probably not. It will pay the bills, buy that boat, and probably allow you to be lazy and take a vacation. Great. Money. Whoo. Hoo. What about inner peace and happiness and lending a hand to your fellow man and contributing something to the world, not just the economy?? .... okay, okay- I digress.
The point is, my daily concerns do not revolve around money. I have some, could use some more, but what else is new? That's not important in my reality. I want my dog to be happy, my friends to laugh, my family to feel love, the world to feel peace... all these dolla' dolla' bills y'all can hit the- hit the- hills y'all! ........ yeah, I'm pretty gangster.
So while you're sitting there, judging my terrible sense of humor, think about this: I've started way too many paragraphs with 'so' in this post; I keep telling you what to do, but hey, I'm bossy; and I'm spreading the word about happiness, because we all deserve it. Knowing where to find it- that's the key. I feel like a janitor, lugging around all these keys! But every door I unlock takes me one step closer to my own happiness. And really, I couldn't ask for more <3
I'm definitely still in a rut, but I'm inching my way up the walls, burying the dread and negativity behind me. My emotions are so up and down, I can barely keep up! However, I'm aware of my state of madness, and am continually working towards that ultimate goal: Happiness. One thing I've been doing more? Writing. Which, honestly, makes me happier than pretty much anything else. Music may be a part of that, but writing in general is truly a passion of mine. I'm not the best, nowhere near it, but there's something about collecting my thoughts and having it right in front of me that really... oh, I don't know... tickles me pink. Or whatever. It makes me happy. And what is the ultimate goal, children? 'HAPPINESS!!!'
So. On that note, I'm sticking to things that make me happy. There's a magnetic quality about happiness... it's not uncommon to feel fear when that force grabs hold. More often than not, going after something that makes you truly happy can be, well... terrifying! We are so prone to thinking it will reject us... but positive thinking goes a long way. Believing in yourself and believing you deserve something can make a world of difference. For too long, I've struggled with my lack of self-worth. But really... why can't I be truly happy? Have I really ever done anything to make myself feel like I don't deserve happiness? No. I really haven't. I'm not perfect, but who the hell is? I try my best to be a good person every single day, and I'm trying harder, day by day. With the right balance of pressure and acceptance, I'm slowly, but suuuurely, becoming the woman I know I can be. Why am I telling you this? Oh, I'm not, I'm reminding myself. I tend to forget things.
So-
Daily mental reminders that I deserve happiness? Check!
Striving to be the best I can be, every day? Check!
Courage to approach happiness with open arms? Check!
Passion for that I love and those I love? Check!
Not a bad checklist, I'd say. We all need emotional goals, too. It can't all be about that new promotion, or a new wardrobe, or looking good, on or off paper... and I swear, if I hear one more person say they wanna win the lottery, I'm gonna lose it! Newsflash: We ALL want to win the lottery. But is that really going to solve every problem you have in life? No, probably not. It will pay the bills, buy that boat, and probably allow you to be lazy and take a vacation. Great. Money. Whoo. Hoo. What about inner peace and happiness and lending a hand to your fellow man and contributing something to the world, not just the economy?? .... okay, okay- I digress.
The point is, my daily concerns do not revolve around money. I have some, could use some more, but what else is new? That's not important in my reality. I want my dog to be happy, my friends to laugh, my family to feel love, the world to feel peace... all these dolla' dolla' bills y'all can hit the- hit the- hills y'all! ........ yeah, I'm pretty gangster.
So while you're sitting there, judging my terrible sense of humor, think about this: I've started way too many paragraphs with 'so' in this post; I keep telling you what to do, but hey, I'm bossy; and I'm spreading the word about happiness, because we all deserve it. Knowing where to find it- that's the key. I feel like a janitor, lugging around all these keys! But every door I unlock takes me one step closer to my own happiness. And really, I couldn't ask for more <3
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Perception IS Reality
Ahh... life. Beautiful, fascinating, immeasurable... life. I have done so much research, analyzing and thinking this morning, I may in fact need to start a separate blog, simply for these thoughts! I'm not sure where I want to go with this post, for there is so much information racing across my mind. I'm drawn to the power of knowledge, but even more so to the theories of life, love, energy; the unknown. For what do we really know to be true?
Last night, though I didn't finish it, I watched a good majority of a film titled 'What The %*!# Do We Know?'. It questions what life actually is, and who we actually are. Now, quantum physics and theories which surround it are pretty new to me, though I have pondered the same ideas reflected on in this film. From what I gathered, it is the study of energy and perception, and the particles which make up what we 'see' in life. Why do I quote the word see? Seeing is perceiving, perception is believing. What we perceive determines what we believe to be true. However, when looking closely at the tiniest forms of life and energy, atoms and electrons and what have you, we discover infinite possibilities to the meaning of life and why we are here. These studies show that particles are constantly moving, in and out of existence, forming what we know to be tangible life, creating the world we live in. When we acknowledge these particles, they are in a stationary state, in the sense that they exist only in one place. This is our perception, what our mind wants to see, therefore creating reality. So, in theory, we are CREATING OUR OWN REALITY.
Now, bear with me here, as I am trying to form words to something I am only now discovering... if you can grasp what quantum physics is explaining to us, you will feel shocked and overwhelmed. We create our own reality? So in essence, the world we view only exists as it is because we chose it to be that way? That is a responsibility that we, as human beings, are not apt to accept. I, however, am. When you think about it, we all live in our own reality, our own lives, our own story, and our own perception of what life is and how it affects us. Just as I recently talked about our perception of Monday, (where most people dread this day, yet I look forward to it), it is all a matter of how we perceive it. Someone who starts their work week on this day, perhaps at a job they personally loathe, will view this day as something they dislike. However, someone like me, whose only day off lands on Monday, will view it as a day to look forward to. This applies to everything in life. Everything we do, everything we see, everything we experience; it's all a matter of perception.
This is one, tiny aspect of what I am learning about. There is an infinite amount of topics I would like to discuss concerning these studies. But for today, let's think about that in this sense: perception is everything. If you perceive something to be unpleasant or harmful, it will be, to you. If you perceive something to be pleasant or alluring, it will be, again, to you. Choosing to view life and the world as something beautiful and thrilling can and will open doors to a happier state of mind, leaving your heart open to the positive energy floating about the world. We all have an affect on the world, those around us, and ourselves. We hold a power so strong, that we often fear and ignore it, allowing our lives to continue to exist in the perception we are trained to attain. However, when we acknowledge and embrace our power, the possibilities in life are increasingly vast and endless... So. Use your power for good! I truly believe that if we all came to a better understanding of our own power of perception, life could and would be much, much different. It's within every single one of us, just aching to be utilized.
PS. If I completely lost you in this rant, I apologize. More to come, I assure you that! =)
Last night, though I didn't finish it, I watched a good majority of a film titled 'What The %*!# Do We Know?'. It questions what life actually is, and who we actually are. Now, quantum physics and theories which surround it are pretty new to me, though I have pondered the same ideas reflected on in this film. From what I gathered, it is the study of energy and perception, and the particles which make up what we 'see' in life. Why do I quote the word see? Seeing is perceiving, perception is believing. What we perceive determines what we believe to be true. However, when looking closely at the tiniest forms of life and energy, atoms and electrons and what have you, we discover infinite possibilities to the meaning of life and why we are here. These studies show that particles are constantly moving, in and out of existence, forming what we know to be tangible life, creating the world we live in. When we acknowledge these particles, they are in a stationary state, in the sense that they exist only in one place. This is our perception, what our mind wants to see, therefore creating reality. So, in theory, we are CREATING OUR OWN REALITY.
Now, bear with me here, as I am trying to form words to something I am only now discovering... if you can grasp what quantum physics is explaining to us, you will feel shocked and overwhelmed. We create our own reality? So in essence, the world we view only exists as it is because we chose it to be that way? That is a responsibility that we, as human beings, are not apt to accept. I, however, am. When you think about it, we all live in our own reality, our own lives, our own story, and our own perception of what life is and how it affects us. Just as I recently talked about our perception of Monday, (where most people dread this day, yet I look forward to it), it is all a matter of how we perceive it. Someone who starts their work week on this day, perhaps at a job they personally loathe, will view this day as something they dislike. However, someone like me, whose only day off lands on Monday, will view it as a day to look forward to. This applies to everything in life. Everything we do, everything we see, everything we experience; it's all a matter of perception.
This is one, tiny aspect of what I am learning about. There is an infinite amount of topics I would like to discuss concerning these studies. But for today, let's think about that in this sense: perception is everything. If you perceive something to be unpleasant or harmful, it will be, to you. If you perceive something to be pleasant or alluring, it will be, again, to you. Choosing to view life and the world as something beautiful and thrilling can and will open doors to a happier state of mind, leaving your heart open to the positive energy floating about the world. We all have an affect on the world, those around us, and ourselves. We hold a power so strong, that we often fear and ignore it, allowing our lives to continue to exist in the perception we are trained to attain. However, when we acknowledge and embrace our power, the possibilities in life are increasingly vast and endless... So. Use your power for good! I truly believe that if we all came to a better understanding of our own power of perception, life could and would be much, much different. It's within every single one of us, just aching to be utilized.
PS. If I completely lost you in this rant, I apologize. More to come, I assure you that! =)
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Hey There, Lonely Girl
If you read my last blog [A New Beginning], you know I've used this title before... and though I don't like to repeat myself, that deep, dark feeling of loneliness has, once again, entered my life. In a really ugly way. I'm so depressed, I don't even care that I'm repeating myself! NOT. GOOD!
Everyone feels lonely at some point. Heck, everyone feels a bit depressed at some point. I'm one of those people who is particularly good at hiding it, but as I was getting ready to leave work today, it overtook me... and I broke down. So much so, I had to go in the bathroom just to calm down. Um, excuse me breakdown, can you at least wait until I get home?! But no- it doesn't work that way. When your body, mind and heart have had enough, you don't get to choose when it hits you. And of course, now that I'm home, I'm fine. Fine... in a sense. I love being home, and some kind words from a customer certainly brightened my day, but a sad, gray little cloud hovers above me... just aching to shower me in sadness. So for now, I'm not okay, but I'm fine. And as we all know, in girl world, that is not a good thing.
Although... the salt from these Lays potato chips I'm scarfing down is helping...
All kidding aside, I had a very brief talk with the bestie, Sandi Bear, about why I'm feeling this way. I can't even begin to manage this problem if I don't know the source. I realized a few things: besides a short relationship, I've been single for almost 2 years now, which is uncommon for me. I am closest with Sandi, and really only close with Sandi, having had trouble allowing myself to connect with many people. I work very hard, and very often, therefore leaving little time to socialize. I live alone. That's the short and skinny of it. But the real source? The greatest problem I'm facing right now? The ultimate cause of my depression? I'm not loving myself as I should be. For, how can I possibly find happiness in life, alone or not, if I can't simply be happy alone? Don't I constantly preach about loving yourself first, in order to properly love those around you? Hmm?
I scan my blog quite often, and my "tagline" glares at me... "Single, living alone, and loving every minute of it! I may not have much, but I'm happy..." But... But... AM I?? Apparently... NOT. Now, this is pretty obvious in my tangible life. Besides work, which I put my heart into every day, my poor little dream apartment is suffering greatly from my sorrow. It's like my apartment is sad, too! It's messy, there are repairs to be done, it's still not where I want it to be (even after living here for over a year!)... I've said before, I think to Sandi, that my apartment is a reflection of my heart. When it's a mess, my heart's a mess. And it. is. a. MESS! So. In light of these recent revelations, I obviously have some work to do on myself and my private surroundings. I need to love myself. I need to feel happy alone.
A few about-to-happens are definitely going to help me through this process. I'm going to start learning to meditate from a friend of mine and Sandi's. I'm going to sign up with yoga, full time. I'm going to clean this damn apartment!!! Soon... sometime... One thing I have been doing is playing music a lot more lately. I need to blog more often, though... Ugh. I already feel overwhelmed. But- NO! No, Shaneil. It's one step at a time... a slow, thoughtful journey to a happier me. JUST me. Even alone. Because, in reality, I'm not alone. I just feel alone. And I control what happens from here on out. I need to calm down... relax... breathe... focus... choose happiness over crappiness...
Hmm.
I like that.
Screw this! From this day forward, I choose happiness over crappiness! BOOM!
Everyone feels lonely at some point. Heck, everyone feels a bit depressed at some point. I'm one of those people who is particularly good at hiding it, but as I was getting ready to leave work today, it overtook me... and I broke down. So much so, I had to go in the bathroom just to calm down. Um, excuse me breakdown, can you at least wait until I get home?! But no- it doesn't work that way. When your body, mind and heart have had enough, you don't get to choose when it hits you. And of course, now that I'm home, I'm fine. Fine... in a sense. I love being home, and some kind words from a customer certainly brightened my day, but a sad, gray little cloud hovers above me... just aching to shower me in sadness. So for now, I'm not okay, but I'm fine. And as we all know, in girl world, that is not a good thing.
Although... the salt from these Lays potato chips I'm scarfing down is helping...
All kidding aside, I had a very brief talk with the bestie, Sandi Bear, about why I'm feeling this way. I can't even begin to manage this problem if I don't know the source. I realized a few things: besides a short relationship, I've been single for almost 2 years now, which is uncommon for me. I am closest with Sandi, and really only close with Sandi, having had trouble allowing myself to connect with many people. I work very hard, and very often, therefore leaving little time to socialize. I live alone. That's the short and skinny of it. But the real source? The greatest problem I'm facing right now? The ultimate cause of my depression? I'm not loving myself as I should be. For, how can I possibly find happiness in life, alone or not, if I can't simply be happy alone? Don't I constantly preach about loving yourself first, in order to properly love those around you? Hmm?
I scan my blog quite often, and my "tagline" glares at me... "Single, living alone, and loving every minute of it! I may not have much, but I'm happy..." But... But... AM I?? Apparently... NOT. Now, this is pretty obvious in my tangible life. Besides work, which I put my heart into every day, my poor little dream apartment is suffering greatly from my sorrow. It's like my apartment is sad, too! It's messy, there are repairs to be done, it's still not where I want it to be (even after living here for over a year!)... I've said before, I think to Sandi, that my apartment is a reflection of my heart. When it's a mess, my heart's a mess. And it. is. a. MESS! So. In light of these recent revelations, I obviously have some work to do on myself and my private surroundings. I need to love myself. I need to feel happy alone.
A few about-to-happens are definitely going to help me through this process. I'm going to start learning to meditate from a friend of mine and Sandi's. I'm going to sign up with yoga, full time. I'm going to clean this damn apartment!!! Soon... sometime... One thing I have been doing is playing music a lot more lately. I need to blog more often, though... Ugh. I already feel overwhelmed. But- NO! No, Shaneil. It's one step at a time... a slow, thoughtful journey to a happier me. JUST me. Even alone. Because, in reality, I'm not alone. I just feel alone. And I control what happens from here on out. I need to calm down... relax... breathe... focus... choose happiness over crappiness...
Hmm.
I like that.
Screw this! From this day forward, I choose happiness over crappiness! BOOM!
Monday, October 1, 2012
Manic Monday
Ahh, Monday. Last week, I announced via Facebook that I have your back, being my only day off. Today, I plan to take full advantage of you! Don't worry, I'll be gentle...
Normally, I use my one day off a week to relax and simply do... well... nothing. Today, however, I feel anxious. Anxious to do something with my day. Anxious to do something with my life. It's been an interesting week, to say the least, and I'm craving some ever so delicious progress in my life. So, let's eat!
My day has already started with some Buster lovin' and music. Pretty good start, I'd say! Now, I'm thinking a good stretch is in order. Not only does my broken-down body need it, but there's something really beautiful about a good stretch. It's like telling your body and mind, Relax... focus... this day is yours... and it most certainly is.
I have a list of activities I'd like to complete today, and I'm diving in head first. Today, for me, is a wonderful, new day. Every week, I see a mountain of complaints posted on good ol' Facebook about Monday. Being the one day I look forward to every week, it's only natural for me to feel the opposite. But, why can't we all look forward to today? Why does it have to be such a terrible day? I think it's all a matter of perspective. Yes, it's easy for me to enjoy Monday, since I'm off all day. However, I look forward to every day. Every day is a new chance to do something new, be someone new, create possibilities and conquer goals. Whether you're starting your work week, or ending it, it doesn't change that fact. It's still a bright, blessed, brand new day.
So, let's ALL dive in with a new perspective! Today doesn't have to be horrendous, it can actually be a wondrous day, filled with joy and love! Change your mindset, and you can change your attitude. Change your attitude, and you can change your perspective. Change your perspective, and you can change the day's outcome. It's really all up to you. Choose to be happy, and happiness will choose you. It really can be that simple. And on that note, I'm off to conquer today, with a smile on my face! And the next day, and the next... because I choose to. What will you choose?
Normally, I use my one day off a week to relax and simply do... well... nothing. Today, however, I feel anxious. Anxious to do something with my day. Anxious to do something with my life. It's been an interesting week, to say the least, and I'm craving some ever so delicious progress in my life. So, let's eat!
My day has already started with some Buster lovin' and music. Pretty good start, I'd say! Now, I'm thinking a good stretch is in order. Not only does my broken-down body need it, but there's something really beautiful about a good stretch. It's like telling your body and mind, Relax... focus... this day is yours... and it most certainly is.
I have a list of activities I'd like to complete today, and I'm diving in head first. Today, for me, is a wonderful, new day. Every week, I see a mountain of complaints posted on good ol' Facebook about Monday. Being the one day I look forward to every week, it's only natural for me to feel the opposite. But, why can't we all look forward to today? Why does it have to be such a terrible day? I think it's all a matter of perspective. Yes, it's easy for me to enjoy Monday, since I'm off all day. However, I look forward to every day. Every day is a new chance to do something new, be someone new, create possibilities and conquer goals. Whether you're starting your work week, or ending it, it doesn't change that fact. It's still a bright, blessed, brand new day.
So, let's ALL dive in with a new perspective! Today doesn't have to be horrendous, it can actually be a wondrous day, filled with joy and love! Change your mindset, and you can change your attitude. Change your attitude, and you can change your perspective. Change your perspective, and you can change the day's outcome. It's really all up to you. Choose to be happy, and happiness will choose you. It really can be that simple. And on that note, I'm off to conquer today, with a smile on my face! And the next day, and the next... because I choose to. What will you choose?
Monday, September 24, 2012
Letting Go
I've never struggled so much to write a goodbye letter in my entire life... Actually, I don't think I've ever really written one. It was time, though, as the sun has set on a 15-year friendship that was doomed to end... long ago...
You can only take so much from someone. You can only open your heart so many times, only to have it shattered before you. You can only put effort into something for so long, before your own peace and happiness becomes victimized. I've worked extremely hard to acquire a better sense of what's around me, and what I deserve. Because of this, I took notice of someone who is no longer good for me, and hasn't been in quite some time. And I ended the fight. The constant struggle. The battle for respect and understanding. It's over.
I'm sad... I am... I love this person very much, and only want the best for them. However, I also feel a huge weight lifted, and breathe a sigh of relief. I almost feel bad for feeling that way... but it's the truth. I also know that there may be repercussions for this action I've taken. I may, in fact, lose other friends, too. But you know what? I'm tired. Tired of not being appreciated for the person I am today. Tired of being accused of things I have never done, and wouldn't even think to do. Tired of negative energy creating shadows in the light I now have in my life. So if I lose other people in my life because of this decision, so be it. To me, that only means more room for better people.
I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be. I don't live as if I am. I only want to be loved and appreciated for the person I am. I've done a lot of soul-searching over the last few years, and I'm really proud of the results. I'm still soul-searching. Still trying to be better. However, the steps I've taken and the perspective I've gained have led me to a path of happiness. Happiness with myself, my life, and those I've surrounded myself with. I don't have a lot externally, but internally I glow and my heart beats loud. I want only the best for everyone I encounter. I love with every breath. I smile with every step. I strive to inspire. I live to love. I do my best with what I've got, taking note of where I could improve, and always staying humble.
Most importantly, I do not want to live with regrets. I took this step with this friendship very seriously. I didn't do it in the moment. I didn't do it out of anger. I did it because it was time to move forward. I did it because not ending it would have resulted in regret. And if you know whom I speak of, which some of you may, do me a favor. Take care of her. Love her. My time with her may be through, but my love for her will never die. I will continue to pray for her, and send her positive energy in any way that I can. Respect my decision, and that it was not done to hurt or harm. It was done to prevent it.
You can only take so much from someone. You can only open your heart so many times, only to have it shattered before you. You can only put effort into something for so long, before your own peace and happiness becomes victimized. I've worked extremely hard to acquire a better sense of what's around me, and what I deserve. Because of this, I took notice of someone who is no longer good for me, and hasn't been in quite some time. And I ended the fight. The constant struggle. The battle for respect and understanding. It's over.
I'm sad... I am... I love this person very much, and only want the best for them. However, I also feel a huge weight lifted, and breathe a sigh of relief. I almost feel bad for feeling that way... but it's the truth. I also know that there may be repercussions for this action I've taken. I may, in fact, lose other friends, too. But you know what? I'm tired. Tired of not being appreciated for the person I am today. Tired of being accused of things I have never done, and wouldn't even think to do. Tired of negative energy creating shadows in the light I now have in my life. So if I lose other people in my life because of this decision, so be it. To me, that only means more room for better people.
I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be. I don't live as if I am. I only want to be loved and appreciated for the person I am. I've done a lot of soul-searching over the last few years, and I'm really proud of the results. I'm still soul-searching. Still trying to be better. However, the steps I've taken and the perspective I've gained have led me to a path of happiness. Happiness with myself, my life, and those I've surrounded myself with. I don't have a lot externally, but internally I glow and my heart beats loud. I want only the best for everyone I encounter. I love with every breath. I smile with every step. I strive to inspire. I live to love. I do my best with what I've got, taking note of where I could improve, and always staying humble.
Most importantly, I do not want to live with regrets. I took this step with this friendship very seriously. I didn't do it in the moment. I didn't do it out of anger. I did it because it was time to move forward. I did it because not ending it would have resulted in regret. And if you know whom I speak of, which some of you may, do me a favor. Take care of her. Love her. My time with her may be through, but my love for her will never die. I will continue to pray for her, and send her positive energy in any way that I can. Respect my decision, and that it was not done to hurt or harm. It was done to prevent it.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Taxicab Confessions
It has been quite the week for me! A few bad days, a few great ones... but all in all, never as bad as it could be. I always keep that in mind. What's been going on this week, you ask? Ohhh, so. much.
More work than I usually work, more drama than I care to discuss, more alone time (with my bestie in San Francisco for a week), and more LA adventures. One such adventure is a terrible habit I've built... taxis. With as much as I work, and as often as I wake up very early with little sleep, I've been taking taxis here and there to work. Not every day, but enough to where it's a problem. I know this. However- it's the ONLY thing I ever splurge on... be that as it may, it's an expensive splurge! At $25 a pop, I'm aware I need to stop. I'm glad today was not that day, though, because I made a new friend, and every new friend is a new connection to a new perspective in life.
After work today, I decided to hit up Target for some light shopping. As I was leaving, I knew I wanted to take a taxi home, with a couple of bags in hand and Friday night traffic afoot. Or... acar? Anyways, I was going to smoke a cigarette while I called for a cab, but I noticed one waiting by the curb, lights on, from the company I normally call. I thought, "Smoking can wait!" and inquired if he was available for a lift. He took the job, and I hopped in. As we began our drive home, he mentioned he was about to smoke a cigarette and relax, until I approached him. We both soon discovered a win-win! As we lit up together, we began chatting...
Things I learned about my new friend, Suren:
He is 57. Smoker for 40 years. Divorced for 15. All of his family lives in Armenia, including his daughter, who has a child of her own. (He says to me, "I'm a grandfather already! I can't believe it... 15 years ago, I come here and she is child... now, she has child! Oh my...") He also speaks Russian, and tells me about being in the army ("...and now I am taxicab driver. I can't believe it...") After we smoke, he offers me "good chocolate for after smoking", and hands me a cough drop. HA! May I just mention I do this sometimes, too??? He lives in Hollywood, in a 1-bedroom apartment with a balcony, and thinks I should do the same. He also thinks I should own a car, and offered to drive me to a dealership in Glendale, which I politely declined, stating a car was not at the top of my priority list. ("But in America, you must have car! Or you cannot go anywhere! Pretty girl like you, riding bus...") At one point, I ask him why he doesn't go to Armenia and visit his daughter, whom he has not seen in many, many years. His reply? "12 hours on plane and no smoking?! I cannot do it! I am sick in head, cannot do it..." I love this man, and his honesty.
At the end of our trip, he gives me his card and tells me to call him when I need a ride, so he can give me a discount. "I want to help you! Do not be afraid to call me, I like these smoking women! You call me." And I will. He is very sweet, very honest, and very sincere. He won't bullshit you. He is obviously lonely. And I feel a kinship with him. I think life is all about connecting with people, and being open to do so. I feel we would have many fun talks, and I don't plan on missing them. I'm breaking this frivolous habit of taxi rides, but every once in a while, I will call him. It's worth it. Through the hardships of this week, and even the highs, he made my day. He made me love LA again, if only for the random connections with people I wouldn't meet anywhere else. And, most importantly, he inspired me to write tonight... that, in itself, is worth my time. Very much so. I am drawn to people who inspire me, and in his own subtle way, he did just that. If I can, at the least, bring some joy and light into his mediocre day, then I am succeeding as a human being. This isn't the first, second, or even 30th time I've encountered someone who normally would be overlooked, and decided to connect. And it certainly won't be the last. We should all be open and caring to every human being, because everyone is, just that. Human. A being. Someone who loves, and yearns to be loved. Open your heart... you never know who you'll discover. <3 ... and what discounts you'll acquire! ;)
More work than I usually work, more drama than I care to discuss, more alone time (with my bestie in San Francisco for a week), and more LA adventures. One such adventure is a terrible habit I've built... taxis. With as much as I work, and as often as I wake up very early with little sleep, I've been taking taxis here and there to work. Not every day, but enough to where it's a problem. I know this. However- it's the ONLY thing I ever splurge on... be that as it may, it's an expensive splurge! At $25 a pop, I'm aware I need to stop. I'm glad today was not that day, though, because I made a new friend, and every new friend is a new connection to a new perspective in life.
After work today, I decided to hit up Target for some light shopping. As I was leaving, I knew I wanted to take a taxi home, with a couple of bags in hand and Friday night traffic afoot. Or... acar? Anyways, I was going to smoke a cigarette while I called for a cab, but I noticed one waiting by the curb, lights on, from the company I normally call. I thought, "Smoking can wait!" and inquired if he was available for a lift. He took the job, and I hopped in. As we began our drive home, he mentioned he was about to smoke a cigarette and relax, until I approached him. We both soon discovered a win-win! As we lit up together, we began chatting...
Things I learned about my new friend, Suren:
He is 57. Smoker for 40 years. Divorced for 15. All of his family lives in Armenia, including his daughter, who has a child of her own. (He says to me, "I'm a grandfather already! I can't believe it... 15 years ago, I come here and she is child... now, she has child! Oh my...") He also speaks Russian, and tells me about being in the army ("...and now I am taxicab driver. I can't believe it...") After we smoke, he offers me "good chocolate for after smoking", and hands me a cough drop. HA! May I just mention I do this sometimes, too??? He lives in Hollywood, in a 1-bedroom apartment with a balcony, and thinks I should do the same. He also thinks I should own a car, and offered to drive me to a dealership in Glendale, which I politely declined, stating a car was not at the top of my priority list. ("But in America, you must have car! Or you cannot go anywhere! Pretty girl like you, riding bus...") At one point, I ask him why he doesn't go to Armenia and visit his daughter, whom he has not seen in many, many years. His reply? "12 hours on plane and no smoking?! I cannot do it! I am sick in head, cannot do it..." I love this man, and his honesty.
At the end of our trip, he gives me his card and tells me to call him when I need a ride, so he can give me a discount. "I want to help you! Do not be afraid to call me, I like these smoking women! You call me." And I will. He is very sweet, very honest, and very sincere. He won't bullshit you. He is obviously lonely. And I feel a kinship with him. I think life is all about connecting with people, and being open to do so. I feel we would have many fun talks, and I don't plan on missing them. I'm breaking this frivolous habit of taxi rides, but every once in a while, I will call him. It's worth it. Through the hardships of this week, and even the highs, he made my day. He made me love LA again, if only for the random connections with people I wouldn't meet anywhere else. And, most importantly, he inspired me to write tonight... that, in itself, is worth my time. Very much so. I am drawn to people who inspire me, and in his own subtle way, he did just that. If I can, at the least, bring some joy and light into his mediocre day, then I am succeeding as a human being. This isn't the first, second, or even 30th time I've encountered someone who normally would be overlooked, and decided to connect. And it certainly won't be the last. We should all be open and caring to every human being, because everyone is, just that. Human. A being. Someone who loves, and yearns to be loved. Open your heart... you never know who you'll discover. <3 ... and what discounts you'll acquire! ;)
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Fussy Hussy
As of late, I've been making a big fuss over the silliest little things... which is not really like me. I used to have this problem, but I've learned over the years to let the little things go and focus on what's really important. However, having gone through some emotional turmoil lately, my mind and heart have decided to revert back to old ways. So, for the sake of my emotional stability, I'm going to release these unnecessary feelings via good ol' bloggin'!
One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that someone does not feel the same about you as you feel about them. This could be with a lover, a friend, a family member- anyone really! I've dealt with this feeling quite often during the span of my lifetime, but every time it hits, it's just as difficult to accept. I love whole-heartedly, which can be a blessing or a burden. I like to think of it as a constant blessing... why would I want to be anything else than who I am? I don't. I really don't. I like me. I love me. Whole-heartedly.
Nevertheless, I felt this feeling last night, and it stuck with me through my dreams, manifesting into a nightmare. Now, I've awoken with the same pit-in-your-stomach ache, and need to find release from this burdening beast. You see, I don't have many people I call 'close friends'... I have a whole harem of acquaintances, a handful of people I consider close friends, and 1 person I can talk to every day, about everything. Many of these 'category close friends' are people who do not live in sunny Los Angeles. And though they are far away, I think about them daily. I miss them daily. I love them daily. Last night, through a series of 'shouldn't-mean-a-thing' events, I felt less than that to a couple of said friends. And it hurt. Deep down inside, it tore at my heart. I know this is silly, I know they care, but be that as it may, I still felt an overwhelming feeling of sorrow.
Yet, even as I'm writing this, I'm already feeling a bit better. This is so silly! Have I said silly yet? I keep repeating it, because it is! And I need to remember that... I need to let go. The one thing in life we have absolutely NO CONTROL over is other people's feelings and emotions. They don't even have control over that. Emotions are emotions. They are what they are. And on the same wavelength, I cannot control my own. All I can do is change my perspective and move forward. Plus, who am I to say how someone feels? You never know what's really in someone's heart... it's not always said out loud. It's not always shown. People generally take what they receive, interpret it in their own way, and generate results from their own perspective. If you really need to know how someone feels, ask them. Communicate. We could all use a little honesty in our lives. Hell, we could all use a LOT of honesty! Hoooonesty, is hardly ever heeeard! Golly, I love Billy Joel.
Unrequited feelings, in every sense of the word... s, are probably the greatest cause of heartache. I've experienced these feelings from my father, from guys, from friends... and every time it happens, there is no lesson to be learned. No great philosophy to be discovered. Only time and healing can set you free, with a bigger, stronger heart. What I can take from all of these experiences is the knowledge to focus on those that matter. And the courage to keep loving whole-heartedly. It's who I am. Whether I'm someone you used to be close with, an acquaintance from childhood, a best friend forever, an ex-lover, a girl you sometimes text, a daughter you can't forget, a co-worker, an occasional shoulder, whatever it may be... I love you. And always will. If I can give anything to the world, it's my unconditional love. Most importantly, I give it to myself. Everything and everyone deserves love, so do your part and spread the heart! <3
One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that someone does not feel the same about you as you feel about them. This could be with a lover, a friend, a family member- anyone really! I've dealt with this feeling quite often during the span of my lifetime, but every time it hits, it's just as difficult to accept. I love whole-heartedly, which can be a blessing or a burden. I like to think of it as a constant blessing... why would I want to be anything else than who I am? I don't. I really don't. I like me. I love me. Whole-heartedly.
Nevertheless, I felt this feeling last night, and it stuck with me through my dreams, manifesting into a nightmare. Now, I've awoken with the same pit-in-your-stomach ache, and need to find release from this burdening beast. You see, I don't have many people I call 'close friends'... I have a whole harem of acquaintances, a handful of people I consider close friends, and 1 person I can talk to every day, about everything. Many of these 'category close friends' are people who do not live in sunny Los Angeles. And though they are far away, I think about them daily. I miss them daily. I love them daily. Last night, through a series of 'shouldn't-mean-a-thing' events, I felt less than that to a couple of said friends. And it hurt. Deep down inside, it tore at my heart. I know this is silly, I know they care, but be that as it may, I still felt an overwhelming feeling of sorrow.
Yet, even as I'm writing this, I'm already feeling a bit better. This is so silly! Have I said silly yet? I keep repeating it, because it is! And I need to remember that... I need to let go. The one thing in life we have absolutely NO CONTROL over is other people's feelings and emotions. They don't even have control over that. Emotions are emotions. They are what they are. And on the same wavelength, I cannot control my own. All I can do is change my perspective and move forward. Plus, who am I to say how someone feels? You never know what's really in someone's heart... it's not always said out loud. It's not always shown. People generally take what they receive, interpret it in their own way, and generate results from their own perspective. If you really need to know how someone feels, ask them. Communicate. We could all use a little honesty in our lives. Hell, we could all use a LOT of honesty! Hoooonesty, is hardly ever heeeard! Golly, I love Billy Joel.
Unrequited feelings, in every sense of the word... s, are probably the greatest cause of heartache. I've experienced these feelings from my father, from guys, from friends... and every time it happens, there is no lesson to be learned. No great philosophy to be discovered. Only time and healing can set you free, with a bigger, stronger heart. What I can take from all of these experiences is the knowledge to focus on those that matter. And the courage to keep loving whole-heartedly. It's who I am. Whether I'm someone you used to be close with, an acquaintance from childhood, a best friend forever, an ex-lover, a girl you sometimes text, a daughter you can't forget, a co-worker, an occasional shoulder, whatever it may be... I love you. And always will. If I can give anything to the world, it's my unconditional love. Most importantly, I give it to myself. Everything and everyone deserves love, so do your part and spread the heart! <3
Monday, September 17, 2012
Reunited, And It Feels...
Hold up, wait a minute! Put a little passion in it...
Oosh, Ahh, Oosh, Ahh...
So, that just happened. And yes, while typing it, I chanted it out loud... with motions... at least I can make myself laugh!
Moving along... as we all know, I've been going through some emotional battles and trying to find peace in my own little world. I'm hitting some brick walls, but sledgehammer in hand, knocking them down. And it feeeels soooo good! I'm starting to write every day again, be it a blog, a song, a random note... anything. And as opposed to my history of writing, it's not happening because I'm depressed or longing... I'm finally learning to tap into this creative expression of mine through happiness and joy. Discovery and learning. Experience and growing. In positive ways. Oh, inspiration! We certainly travel many different roads, don't we?
I began writing a song this morning called "Love in a New Light", obviously inspired by my previous post and its topic of discussion. It's a beautiful thing when simply meeting new people can inspire and open up hidden facets of your soul. Places in your heart you didn't know existed, yet shine so bright once revealed. Though still burdened by conflict in my life, I'm pushing through boundaries in my heart, and coming out the other side with new perspective. I've lost the ability to be happy alone, but little by little, rediscovering the tools needed to do so. I constantly find myself thinking, 'I just want to be in love'... what I failed to realize was with whom I needed to find said love! Yours Truly <3
You see, my days are all the same.
Wake up.
Coffee.
Nicotine.
Bus adventures.
Work.
More bus adventures.
Sleep.
Repeat.
And in the midst of busy beeing, one day off to simply do, well, nothing. My one day to relax and have no cares, no worries. How do I normally spend these once-a-week days?
Wake up.
Coffee.
Nicotine.
Facebook.
Nicotine.
Snuggle with Buster.
Nicotine.
Facebook.
Nicotine.
YouTube.
Nicotine.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Not exactly what I had in mind for my daily living. I want so much more, yet I allow myself to fall into routines of just getting by. You know that saying, "I want to thrive, not just survive"? Well, I'm just surviving. Which is great, when you think of all of those who can barely do that, however that's not in my plan. I know it, you know it, and whomever or whatever you believe is watching from above, is shaking his/her/its head, saying "I know it!". So. We're all in agreement then? Good.
Writing is my therapy for many reasons, but one very important reason is that it inspires me in my tangible life. Waking up this morning, reading through some fascinating writing, browsing through pictures, then picking up my guitar and beginning a new song- I feel refreshed. I feel like the day is mine for the taking, and being my one day off, I plan to take it to its limits! I want and need to clean my apartment, bathe my dog, exercise, meditate, and do some arts & crafts. Want and need because these activities will make me happy today. That is my ultimate goal, yes? Yes. SO- here's to a new day, where anything is possible. Here's to recognizing what makes you happy, and taking action. Here's to opening your heart, and filling its cup. Here's to passion, and its power over pain. Here's to me... and what I'm capable of. *Anything*
Oosh, Ahh, Oosh, Ahh...
So, that just happened. And yes, while typing it, I chanted it out loud... with motions... at least I can make myself laugh!
Moving along... as we all know, I've been going through some emotional battles and trying to find peace in my own little world. I'm hitting some brick walls, but sledgehammer in hand, knocking them down. And it feeeels soooo good! I'm starting to write every day again, be it a blog, a song, a random note... anything. And as opposed to my history of writing, it's not happening because I'm depressed or longing... I'm finally learning to tap into this creative expression of mine through happiness and joy. Discovery and learning. Experience and growing. In positive ways. Oh, inspiration! We certainly travel many different roads, don't we?
I began writing a song this morning called "Love in a New Light", obviously inspired by my previous post and its topic of discussion. It's a beautiful thing when simply meeting new people can inspire and open up hidden facets of your soul. Places in your heart you didn't know existed, yet shine so bright once revealed. Though still burdened by conflict in my life, I'm pushing through boundaries in my heart, and coming out the other side with new perspective. I've lost the ability to be happy alone, but little by little, rediscovering the tools needed to do so. I constantly find myself thinking, 'I just want to be in love'... what I failed to realize was with whom I needed to find said love! Yours Truly <3
You see, my days are all the same.
Wake up.
Coffee.
Nicotine.
Bus adventures.
Work.
More bus adventures.
Sleep.
Repeat.
And in the midst of busy beeing, one day off to simply do, well, nothing. My one day to relax and have no cares, no worries. How do I normally spend these once-a-week days?
Wake up.
Coffee.
Nicotine.
Facebook.
Nicotine.
Snuggle with Buster.
Nicotine.
Facebook.
Nicotine.
YouTube.
Nicotine.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Not exactly what I had in mind for my daily living. I want so much more, yet I allow myself to fall into routines of just getting by. You know that saying, "I want to thrive, not just survive"? Well, I'm just surviving. Which is great, when you think of all of those who can barely do that, however that's not in my plan. I know it, you know it, and whomever or whatever you believe is watching from above, is shaking his/her/its head, saying "I know it!". So. We're all in agreement then? Good.
Writing is my therapy for many reasons, but one very important reason is that it inspires me in my tangible life. Waking up this morning, reading through some fascinating writing, browsing through pictures, then picking up my guitar and beginning a new song- I feel refreshed. I feel like the day is mine for the taking, and being my one day off, I plan to take it to its limits! I want and need to clean my apartment, bathe my dog, exercise, meditate, and do some arts & crafts. Want and need because these activities will make me happy today. That is my ultimate goal, yes? Yes. SO- here's to a new day, where anything is possible. Here's to recognizing what makes you happy, and taking action. Here's to opening your heart, and filling its cup. Here's to passion, and its power over pain. Here's to me... and what I'm capable of. *Anything*
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Love In A New Light
The universe is so beautiful, so inspiring, and so receptive... I have been struggling internally to regain a feeling of self-worth for quite a while now. To be honest, I even began to wonder what the point was... Why am I alive? Why am I worth anything to the world? To anyone? To myself? It frightened me... and fearful of the end result of such feelings, I began to delve deeper, shoveling the surface dirt to the side, uncovering the true core issue within myself. A treasure chest, not so glistening and alluring, but dark and dreary, filled with insecurities, despair, a loss of faith in myself... of hope in humanity and the world I live in...
Then, last night, I broke through. Epiphanied, if you will. I realized that I was holding myself back from so much beauty in the world... in people... and like a gentle parent, the universe rested a loving hand on my back, and whispered, "I hear you." Today, two beautiful, inspiring ladies entered my life and changed me forever. In ONE. DAY. One, a customer I have encountered on a few occasions, always bringing joy and light into my day. The other, her amazing, young friend, joining her for lunch and expanding the light already shining so bright from the first. Through casual conversation, we discovered our love for writing, blogging, and love in every sense of the word. We exchanged blog information, promising to support each other in our art.
I have now browsed through both of their blogs, and am forever touched by their amazing perspective on life, their unconditional love for the world and the people within it, and their undying love for their art: inspiring the world. Through photos, poetry, recipes, quotes, life experiences, you name it... they are touching the world with their light, limiting the darkness I have viewed for some time now. I chatted momentarily on facebook with one of these ladies, discussing our writing styles, sharing some posts... and she said something to me that I did not understand at first, but thinking about it, it makes so much sense. She said, "...remember, there is so much room for art, take it seriously..." This could mean many different things to many different people, but to me, it reminded me that art is a responsibility. It is to be shared, inspiring those around us, inspiring ourselves... and certainly not to be taken lightly. We are all one, all in this together, and it is truly important how we leave our mark on the world. I, for one, am all about interaction; I love people and being around them... different walks of life make life beautiful. We all contribute to the bigger picture, and how we contribute is our own responsibility.
I do write for myself, but I publicize it. Why? Do I secretly hope no one will read it, and it can just live on in my own mind and memory? Of course not. I share it because I want to share my feelings, thoughts, and perspective with the world, or whoever the heck reads this thing. Because of this, I have a duty to create something meaningful, not just for myself... but for those who read it. Yes, writing is my therapy, always will be, and never fails for me... but if I can touch someone's life, even for a moment, and enrich their inner being, then I have truly succeeded. As a writer; as an artist; as a person. In only a matter of minutes, both of these ladies did just that for me by sharing their art and their passion. I am so inspired by the both of them, I feel like a different person. I feel like a brand new me, with new perspective and new appreciation. My eyes are open, my ears are perked, and my heart is beating with the warmth I feel from both of them...
How truly magnificent a feeling it is... becoming aware of a need for change in myself; recognizing walls and knocking them down; and voila! Instant gratification. I open my heart and mind to someone new, and my whole world is changed for the better. I cannot wait to continue reading through their posts, and I hope you do the same. We should all see the world as these ladies do... with love, acceptance, kindness. I feel like two angels just entered my world, wrapping me in their tender wings, guiding me along a path to a better kind of love. Not only for myself, but for everything. I am genuinely excited for a new day, for every new day, brings new possibilities. Today, a new me became possible. A start of a new relationship with myself and the world. Today, I love whole-heartedly. Everything. <3
www.arosewithoutthorns.blogspot.com
www.blossomingrose2012.blogspot.com
www.alyalley.tumblr.com
Then, last night, I broke through. Epiphanied, if you will. I realized that I was holding myself back from so much beauty in the world... in people... and like a gentle parent, the universe rested a loving hand on my back, and whispered, "I hear you." Today, two beautiful, inspiring ladies entered my life and changed me forever. In ONE. DAY. One, a customer I have encountered on a few occasions, always bringing joy and light into my day. The other, her amazing, young friend, joining her for lunch and expanding the light already shining so bright from the first. Through casual conversation, we discovered our love for writing, blogging, and love in every sense of the word. We exchanged blog information, promising to support each other in our art.
I have now browsed through both of their blogs, and am forever touched by their amazing perspective on life, their unconditional love for the world and the people within it, and their undying love for their art: inspiring the world. Through photos, poetry, recipes, quotes, life experiences, you name it... they are touching the world with their light, limiting the darkness I have viewed for some time now. I chatted momentarily on facebook with one of these ladies, discussing our writing styles, sharing some posts... and she said something to me that I did not understand at first, but thinking about it, it makes so much sense. She said, "...remember, there is so much room for art, take it seriously..." This could mean many different things to many different people, but to me, it reminded me that art is a responsibility. It is to be shared, inspiring those around us, inspiring ourselves... and certainly not to be taken lightly. We are all one, all in this together, and it is truly important how we leave our mark on the world. I, for one, am all about interaction; I love people and being around them... different walks of life make life beautiful. We all contribute to the bigger picture, and how we contribute is our own responsibility.
I do write for myself, but I publicize it. Why? Do I secretly hope no one will read it, and it can just live on in my own mind and memory? Of course not. I share it because I want to share my feelings, thoughts, and perspective with the world, or whoever the heck reads this thing. Because of this, I have a duty to create something meaningful, not just for myself... but for those who read it. Yes, writing is my therapy, always will be, and never fails for me... but if I can touch someone's life, even for a moment, and enrich their inner being, then I have truly succeeded. As a writer; as an artist; as a person. In only a matter of minutes, both of these ladies did just that for me by sharing their art and their passion. I am so inspired by the both of them, I feel like a different person. I feel like a brand new me, with new perspective and new appreciation. My eyes are open, my ears are perked, and my heart is beating with the warmth I feel from both of them...
How truly magnificent a feeling it is... becoming aware of a need for change in myself; recognizing walls and knocking them down; and voila! Instant gratification. I open my heart and mind to someone new, and my whole world is changed for the better. I cannot wait to continue reading through their posts, and I hope you do the same. We should all see the world as these ladies do... with love, acceptance, kindness. I feel like two angels just entered my world, wrapping me in their tender wings, guiding me along a path to a better kind of love. Not only for myself, but for everything. I am genuinely excited for a new day, for every new day, brings new possibilities. Today, a new me became possible. A start of a new relationship with myself and the world. Today, I love whole-heartedly. Everything. <3
www.arosewithoutthorns.blogspot.com
www.blossomingrose2012.blogspot.com
www.alyalley.tumblr.com
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
I'VE GOT THE POWER!
Sooo... I was pretty pathetic last night, si? Si. So. Let's try something different! How about I don't wallow in my own self-pity and actually do something about something? Yes? You like? Me. Too.
I am most definitely NOT at 100%, however I am feeling a little better, right now, in this moment. I'll take it! Ghost ride the whip! What.... the fruck does that mean?! Anyone? Anyways. (I'm terrible at *segues, hence the constant usage of 'anyways'.) So anyywayyys... let's get goin'! C'mon! You... you ready?
Aw shit, I got nothin'.
Seriously.
I have no idea where my life is headed... I really don't. Yet, as I sat down to write this blog, I got an overwhelming feeling... a sense... that I can do anything. It feels good... SO good... to feel that way. Figuring out what I need to do to find happiness is, yes, the hardest part; but feeling that I can do anything is amazing. I sometimes forget that I got where I am by doing what I truly wanted to do... and that hasn't changed. I can still do that! I still have control! Why did I think otherwise?
I don't know, but I do know that I need to figure it out. So. Where are we? I know I need to do something, but I don't know what it is? Awesome. Pro... gress... ? Sort of? I'm going to view it as progress, because I can use all the positivity I can get! I'm normally the source of said positivity, but I can't always rely on myself. I have to allow myself to open up to other people, and embrace their perspective, experience, and advice. I guess what triggered my new attitude was the fact that I did just that. I stayed after work today, and had a nice conversation with my boss (who is like a father to me). The simple act of having a discussion of responsibilities with someone who knows far more about it than me felt fullfilling. I already knew everything he said, but it was nice to hear it out loud. And from someone else! It reminded me of my own power. The power within me to accomplish anything my heart desires. ANYTHING!
So I'm done complaining. I've over wallowing. I'm past the pity party. I'm standing tall, and I'm keeping this damn smile on my face! I know my power, and it's time I put it to use. It's time to make a plan, and follow it. This is a short post, for the wind has caught my thoughts and I'm trailing off... off into the sunset... to sink below the horizon, reappearing with the dawn... the dawn of a new day. A new life. Fooooor me! And I'm feelin' GOOD =D
*Author's Note: I find this incredibly hilarious: So you should, too:
I had to dictionary.com 'segue', as I could not, for the life of me, feel comfortable not doing so; and choosing to spell it phonetically, I came upon this:
I am most definitely NOT at 100%, however I am feeling a little better, right now, in this moment. I'll take it! Ghost ride the whip! What.... the fruck does that mean?! Anyone? Anyways. (I'm terrible at *segues, hence the constant usage of 'anyways'.) So anyywayyys... let's get goin'! C'mon! You... you ready?
Aw shit, I got nothin'.
Seriously.
I have no idea where my life is headed... I really don't. Yet, as I sat down to write this blog, I got an overwhelming feeling... a sense... that I can do anything. It feels good... SO good... to feel that way. Figuring out what I need to do to find happiness is, yes, the hardest part; but feeling that I can do anything is amazing. I sometimes forget that I got where I am by doing what I truly wanted to do... and that hasn't changed. I can still do that! I still have control! Why did I think otherwise?
I don't know, but I do know that I need to figure it out. So. Where are we? I know I need to do something, but I don't know what it is? Awesome. Pro... gress... ? Sort of? I'm going to view it as progress, because I can use all the positivity I can get! I'm normally the source of said positivity, but I can't always rely on myself. I have to allow myself to open up to other people, and embrace their perspective, experience, and advice. I guess what triggered my new attitude was the fact that I did just that. I stayed after work today, and had a nice conversation with my boss (who is like a father to me). The simple act of having a discussion of responsibilities with someone who knows far more about it than me felt fullfilling. I already knew everything he said, but it was nice to hear it out loud. And from someone else! It reminded me of my own power. The power within me to accomplish anything my heart desires. ANYTHING!
So I'm done complaining. I've over wallowing. I'm past the pity party. I'm standing tall, and I'm keeping this damn smile on my face! I know my power, and it's time I put it to use. It's time to make a plan, and follow it. This is a short post, for the wind has caught my thoughts and I'm trailing off... off into the sunset... to sink below the horizon, reappearing with the dawn... the dawn of a new day. A new life. Fooooor me! And I'm feelin' GOOD =D
*Author's Note: I find this incredibly hilarious: So you should, too:
I had to dictionary.com 'segue', as I could not, for the life of me, feel comfortable not doing so; and choosing to spell it phonetically, I came upon this:
seg·way
[seg-wey]
verb, noun
a frequent misspelling of segue.
Well. That answers that question!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
All Byyy Myyyself...
Have I used this title before? In my last blog? I can't remember... okay, I have to go check...
......... Alright. We're good..... Don't. Judge. ME!
So, more thinking; more analyzing; more steps towards what's really going on inside of this emotional, effed-up girl. I feel alone; which can be perceived as silly, irrational, dramatic- whatever you want to call it; but it's how I feel.
It's not the first time I've come to this conclusion; an observation of what's really bothering me. I felt it, and said it out loud, recently... about a week ago. I also recall feeling this way around the same time, last year, and posting about it in my blog. So, this is, apparently, an annual emotional battle I go through.
However, this year is a little different... I'm realizing that as I've grown older, experienced heartbreak, recovered and moved forward, I've put up more and more walls, and didn't even notice. I've cut myself off from the world and the people within it, for fear I may feel that heartache, once again. I no longer allow just anybody in... I sit and wait. Wait for the moment I feel we truly connect, and then you're stuck! Stuck with my stories, feelings and desires. The right ones accept it, embrace it, and guide me through life in their own special way. The wrong ones, well...
The wrong ones reject it, and another wall goes up. BAM! Just like that. Am I missing out on some pretty incredible people, who could quite possibly light up my life in a way I never thought possible? Probably. Which is probably why I've been reaching out in small ways... reconnecting with dear friends on facebook... making new friends on facebook, even people I've never met... actuallyyyy... that's about it. Nothing tangible; all at a distance. Man, I really have some work to do!
The thing is- I'm picky. I used to let anyone in, and usually got hurt in the end. I'm quite the complicated chick... and though I can be great at being there for others, it's tough for someone to be there for me. For one, I'm the advice-giver! If someone has a problem or internal confliction, I can't help but put in my two cents in the hopes that I may help someone feel better! Yet, if I have a problem, I'm absolutely TERRIBLE at taking advice! Normally, I just want someone to listen... but people have trouble just listening. They want to intervene, advise, forewarn, and sometimes tell you what to do. How do I know this? I AM THAT WAY. Is that a good way to be? No... not really.
I have to step back and recognize that sometimes, that's what other people want, too. Someone to talk to; to listen; to lend a shoulder. Maybe if I become better at this, other people will reciprocate. But, the only way for that to happen, is for me to knock down some walls. I've learned to be a little less trusting of people, but it seems I've only travelled to the other extreme... NO ONE gets in. And even with this state of mind, I find myself trying to force people in, who don't want to be there. Then, I hear my own advice in my head: "Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't spend their time on you." And I ignore it. I know better than that...
*Sigh* Blah, blah, flippin' BLAH... I'm rambling... if you're reading this, my sincerest apologies. Writing is my therapy, my dearest friend, so this is more for me, and less for you. I'm trying to create waves in a glass of water, and that shit just keeps SPILLING OUT! I know I'm getting closer to a better me... and a better sense of being. It just takes time. I'm so all-over-the-place confused, that even my blogs make no sense. Did they ever??? Seems I had more readers last year... but again, It's Just Me. Even the theme of this blog is me being alone... sounds like I'm creating my own reality, then complaining about it. I'm. So. Done. Something needs to change quickly... this is not how I want to sound, and certainly not how I want to feel. I promise that my next blog will not be so pathetic. But, we're all allowed to feel this way, and I'm just another example. HOWEVER. I WILL prevail! I WILL break through! I WILL come out stronger! Besides, tomorrow's a new day... with new possibilities. Let's ALL take advantage, yeah? =)
......... Alright. We're good..... Don't. Judge. ME!
So, more thinking; more analyzing; more steps towards what's really going on inside of this emotional, effed-up girl. I feel alone; which can be perceived as silly, irrational, dramatic- whatever you want to call it; but it's how I feel.
It's not the first time I've come to this conclusion; an observation of what's really bothering me. I felt it, and said it out loud, recently... about a week ago. I also recall feeling this way around the same time, last year, and posting about it in my blog. So, this is, apparently, an annual emotional battle I go through.
However, this year is a little different... I'm realizing that as I've grown older, experienced heartbreak, recovered and moved forward, I've put up more and more walls, and didn't even notice. I've cut myself off from the world and the people within it, for fear I may feel that heartache, once again. I no longer allow just anybody in... I sit and wait. Wait for the moment I feel we truly connect, and then you're stuck! Stuck with my stories, feelings and desires. The right ones accept it, embrace it, and guide me through life in their own special way. The wrong ones, well...
The wrong ones reject it, and another wall goes up. BAM! Just like that. Am I missing out on some pretty incredible people, who could quite possibly light up my life in a way I never thought possible? Probably. Which is probably why I've been reaching out in small ways... reconnecting with dear friends on facebook... making new friends on facebook, even people I've never met... actuallyyyy... that's about it. Nothing tangible; all at a distance. Man, I really have some work to do!
The thing is- I'm picky. I used to let anyone in, and usually got hurt in the end. I'm quite the complicated chick... and though I can be great at being there for others, it's tough for someone to be there for me. For one, I'm the advice-giver! If someone has a problem or internal confliction, I can't help but put in my two cents in the hopes that I may help someone feel better! Yet, if I have a problem, I'm absolutely TERRIBLE at taking advice! Normally, I just want someone to listen... but people have trouble just listening. They want to intervene, advise, forewarn, and sometimes tell you what to do. How do I know this? I AM THAT WAY. Is that a good way to be? No... not really.
I have to step back and recognize that sometimes, that's what other people want, too. Someone to talk to; to listen; to lend a shoulder. Maybe if I become better at this, other people will reciprocate. But, the only way for that to happen, is for me to knock down some walls. I've learned to be a little less trusting of people, but it seems I've only travelled to the other extreme... NO ONE gets in. And even with this state of mind, I find myself trying to force people in, who don't want to be there. Then, I hear my own advice in my head: "Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't spend their time on you." And I ignore it. I know better than that...
*Sigh* Blah, blah, flippin' BLAH... I'm rambling... if you're reading this, my sincerest apologies. Writing is my therapy, my dearest friend, so this is more for me, and less for you. I'm trying to create waves in a glass of water, and that shit just keeps SPILLING OUT! I know I'm getting closer to a better me... and a better sense of being. It just takes time. I'm so all-over-the-place confused, that even my blogs make no sense. Did they ever??? Seems I had more readers last year... but again, It's Just Me. Even the theme of this blog is me being alone... sounds like I'm creating my own reality, then complaining about it. I'm. So. Done. Something needs to change quickly... this is not how I want to sound, and certainly not how I want to feel. I promise that my next blog will not be so pathetic. But, we're all allowed to feel this way, and I'm just another example. HOWEVER. I WILL prevail! I WILL break through! I WILL come out stronger! Besides, tomorrow's a new day... with new possibilities. Let's ALL take advantage, yeah? =)
Monday, September 10, 2012
24 Hours to Live
In light of recent... depression... I've been doing some heavy thinking about my life and what I want from it. Okay, yes, that's pretty standard for me, especially with my writing... but I'm yearning for a drastic change more than ever... and it stems mostly from a strong desire to relocate. To where, you ask? No. Effing. Clue.
Does anyone remember Mase? Or is it Ma$e? Yes, the rapper who teamed up with Poof Diddily, or whatever his name is now, and made, I believe, one album before retiring from the music industry. Yes, I own said album. Yes, that was hard to admit. Anyways... he had a song called "24 Hours To Live", the hook being "If you had 24 hours to live, just think- Where would you go? What would you do? Who would you screw?" Not exactly the deepest lyrics, but thought-provoking enough for it to pop into my head today. I started to ask myself these questions... I certainly know the answer to one of those questions! But where would I go and what would I do? I just don't know yet... but I aim to figure it out.
Life is incredibly unpredictable, so at the risk of sounding morbid, I started to wonder how I would live my life if I found out I had cancer. What would suddenly become important to me? How would I plan out the next few years or even months I had left? How would I prioritize what I want from the rest of my life? I found it difficult to answer, and that in itself, is depressing. Sure, most of us struggle to answer these same questions, and I am not diminishing what may be important to someone else. But, let's keep it real, this is about me. My blog; my gripes! And I am just not happy anymore. Something inside of me is screaming for release... release from the life I've been living and the actions I've been taking... or not taking.
Last night, I had a beer with my Sandi Bear, who is going through the same struggle within herself. We discussed what we would do if we could do, well, anything! Ya' know, no worries about money, time, etc... and I realized that I would travel. Get in a car, with only the items I truly need, and drive around the country, staying in random small towns, getting to know the people, the local spots... the community. Test drive these places, if you will, until I found one that filled my heart and soul with everything it's been aching for. 'Well now, hold on there, Shaneil! Didn't you just blog a while back about how every city has its flaws, and we should learn to embrace where we are as home???' Yes, well- I changed my mind. I'm a woman; I'm allowed.
I want to be surrounded by love. People who appreciate the world as I do, and prioritize their lives in a way that makes sense to me. Los Angeles is not that place. I'm getting so very tired of people-watching and feeling disgusted with the results. Walking around the city, only to find another needless building being built, another neighborhood tagged, more smog in the air, more trash on the ground, more people suffering, those not suffering endlessly complaining, so on, and soooo forth. Over it, I am.
My core problem? I have no idea where I want to go. So far, the only place that has presented itself as a possibility is San Francisco. I would know people there, basically be guaranteed a job, live close to my wonderful grandmother, and still be surrounded by music and people who appreciate said music. Do I really want to live there, though? No clue. I don't even know if I want to stay in California anymore... but I can't make a decision if I don't know what's out there. I'm seriously considering attempting my previously stated dream... to travel around, staying wherever for however long, and experiencing new surroundings. This would require me to continue to work hard, save up as much as possible, and map out a plan of attack. Hmm... could I do it? I can do anything I set my mind to, right? Maybe it's time for me to take notice of a little engine that could...
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
No, wait. I know I can!
'Wait, Shaneil! Who exactly WOULD you screw???' Perverts! ;)
Does anyone remember Mase? Or is it Ma$e? Yes, the rapper who teamed up with Poof Diddily, or whatever his name is now, and made, I believe, one album before retiring from the music industry. Yes, I own said album. Yes, that was hard to admit. Anyways... he had a song called "24 Hours To Live", the hook being "If you had 24 hours to live, just think- Where would you go? What would you do? Who would you screw?" Not exactly the deepest lyrics, but thought-provoking enough for it to pop into my head today. I started to ask myself these questions... I certainly know the answer to one of those questions! But where would I go and what would I do? I just don't know yet... but I aim to figure it out.
Life is incredibly unpredictable, so at the risk of sounding morbid, I started to wonder how I would live my life if I found out I had cancer. What would suddenly become important to me? How would I plan out the next few years or even months I had left? How would I prioritize what I want from the rest of my life? I found it difficult to answer, and that in itself, is depressing. Sure, most of us struggle to answer these same questions, and I am not diminishing what may be important to someone else. But, let's keep it real, this is about me. My blog; my gripes! And I am just not happy anymore. Something inside of me is screaming for release... release from the life I've been living and the actions I've been taking... or not taking.
Last night, I had a beer with my Sandi Bear, who is going through the same struggle within herself. We discussed what we would do if we could do, well, anything! Ya' know, no worries about money, time, etc... and I realized that I would travel. Get in a car, with only the items I truly need, and drive around the country, staying in random small towns, getting to know the people, the local spots... the community. Test drive these places, if you will, until I found one that filled my heart and soul with everything it's been aching for. 'Well now, hold on there, Shaneil! Didn't you just blog a while back about how every city has its flaws, and we should learn to embrace where we are as home???' Yes, well- I changed my mind. I'm a woman; I'm allowed.
I want to be surrounded by love. People who appreciate the world as I do, and prioritize their lives in a way that makes sense to me. Los Angeles is not that place. I'm getting so very tired of people-watching and feeling disgusted with the results. Walking around the city, only to find another needless building being built, another neighborhood tagged, more smog in the air, more trash on the ground, more people suffering, those not suffering endlessly complaining, so on, and soooo forth. Over it, I am.
My core problem? I have no idea where I want to go. So far, the only place that has presented itself as a possibility is San Francisco. I would know people there, basically be guaranteed a job, live close to my wonderful grandmother, and still be surrounded by music and people who appreciate said music. Do I really want to live there, though? No clue. I don't even know if I want to stay in California anymore... but I can't make a decision if I don't know what's out there. I'm seriously considering attempting my previously stated dream... to travel around, staying wherever for however long, and experiencing new surroundings. This would require me to continue to work hard, save up as much as possible, and map out a plan of attack. Hmm... could I do it? I can do anything I set my mind to, right? Maybe it's time for me to take notice of a little engine that could...
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
No, wait. I know I can!
'Wait, Shaneil! Who exactly WOULD you screw???' Perverts! ;)
Thursday, September 6, 2012
STOP! Hey... What's That Sound?
Well, hello there! Just doin' some writin'... join me, will you? Not... not in the writing. Just to read the writing... to listen... ? ...Hello?? ...IS ANYONE THERE??!!
So, I sat down tonight, and read through the blogs I've written so far this year... and I'm not exactly impressed. For one, I find them boring. Just... boring. For two, I seem to be self-deprecating a lot... hence my previous statement. What the hell is wrong with me??
Well, I'm smack-dab in the middle of a soul-searching session, which anyone who's been through it knows doesn't happen overnight. [Holy crap, did that make any sense?? Ha!] Point being, I feel like I'm floating around in a bubble, trapped in my own personal journey to a newer, hopefully better, me. I see the world around me, I hear my surroundings, but they're somewhat cloudy through the shell of said bubble. (Gosh, I love that use of the word 'said'. Have you noticed I use it a lot? It's just... fun. Is that weird? Nerdy, I guess? Anywaysss.....)
So. I'm in this bubble. FOCUS. And I'm in the world... but I'm not. Kinda' how I feel when I'm driving alone... and... I feel like I'm getting depressed. No. I know I'm getting depressed, if not already there. I've been re-he-heeeally emotional lately, though a surprise visit from Mother Nature confirmed my suspicions on saaaid emotions... =) ... yet, I feel like there's more to it than that. I can feel it... calling. In the air. Tonight. BUT. It's hard to answer the phone from inside a bubble! (And yes, I'm aware it's 'coming in the air tonight'... but that just wouldn't work for my metaphor, now would it!!) You see, if I answer the call, I burst my own bubble, leaving myself vunerable to the world and its ability to hit you where it hurts the most. But I feel a change coming in my life... and it is so incredibly important for me to pay attention to what's going on around me, guiding my life in the direction I know is best for me. This may include, but is not limited to: various forms of change, conquering obstacles, failures, and acceptance. Whiiich... may also include: pure joy, anxiety, strength I knew I had, strength I didn't know I had, weakness I knew... hell and didn't know... I had, and happiness I didn't know was possible.
Wait. Why do I hold myself back? I'm writing this, and reading it, and rereading it, and... yeah. I go back a LOT... and I'm realizing how silly I sound. For one, I'm suuuper tired! I work about 50 hours a week, and it is catching up with me! For another... I'm already so lost in myself, that I can't even see out anymore. I need to get over myself! And I mean that, not in a conceited kind of way, but in the sense that... I'm being pathetic. Yup. That's it. Pa-the-tic. I have so much potential, but I constantly dwell on thoughts of undeservingness... or some fancy word that means I suck. Plain and simple. My insecurities have shifted from appearance issues as a teen, to success issues as an adult. At my day job, I have confidence in myself. I know I'm good at what I do, and I fight for recognition of said ability. However, in everything else, be it music, relationships, friendships, what have you... I don't feel worthy of what I probably deserve. NAY! What I do deserve. So, I hold myself back... back from potentially amazing, new chapters in my life.
The funny thing? Today's post was originally started to talk about my writing style this year. It's different... I don't know if I like it. But I'm realizing... I'm just changing. I'm growing older, I'm experiencing new things, and I'm growing tired... tired of just floating through life in a protective bubble. Tired of talking about things, instead of doing them. So my writing is failing... because there's nothing really going on! And because I hear myself repeating myself, so I'm growing bored with my blog. I need... fresh air. I need to live... really live. Breathe life in, filling my lungs with its precious oxygen... feel inspiration... feel inspiiired... even whispering the word sounds like a sigh of relief. I can't just live my life in two places: home and work. I need to get out, see things, hear things, feel, smell, taste- you get the picture. And I'm pretty sure I need to get out of LA. Not today. Not tomorrow. But soon... I've thought about it a lot lately, and I always picture 1 year from now being my mark. I just don't think I can last longer than that. And it's not because I don't love LA, I do! But, I'm 27, I've never even been on a damn plane, and I'm starting to feel like the ground is glued to my feet. I need to spread my wings, and fly away. I may even try out different places... but I know, LA is not the end to my journey. There is so much more waiting for me out there... in the world. And I aim to experience all I can before its impending doom... because.... come on. We all know the planet is dying, and it ain't no Mayan Calendar telling us so! Don't even get me started... that's a whole 'nother blog! A long one... just telling you now ;) ... and I'll tell ya' what else... there's something happening here. What it is... it isn't exactly clear... and this man... he's over there with a gun! What the FUCK!
So, I sat down tonight, and read through the blogs I've written so far this year... and I'm not exactly impressed. For one, I find them boring. Just... boring. For two, I seem to be self-deprecating a lot... hence my previous statement. What the hell is wrong with me??
Well, I'm smack-dab in the middle of a soul-searching session, which anyone who's been through it knows doesn't happen overnight. [Holy crap, did that make any sense?? Ha!] Point being, I feel like I'm floating around in a bubble, trapped in my own personal journey to a newer, hopefully better, me. I see the world around me, I hear my surroundings, but they're somewhat cloudy through the shell of said bubble. (Gosh, I love that use of the word 'said'. Have you noticed I use it a lot? It's just... fun. Is that weird? Nerdy, I guess? Anywaysss.....)
So. I'm in this bubble. FOCUS. And I'm in the world... but I'm not. Kinda' how I feel when I'm driving alone... and... I feel like I'm getting depressed. No. I know I'm getting depressed, if not already there. I've been re-he-heeeally emotional lately, though a surprise visit from Mother Nature confirmed my suspicions on saaaid emotions... =) ... yet, I feel like there's more to it than that. I can feel it... calling. In the air. Tonight. BUT. It's hard to answer the phone from inside a bubble! (And yes, I'm aware it's 'coming in the air tonight'... but that just wouldn't work for my metaphor, now would it!!) You see, if I answer the call, I burst my own bubble, leaving myself vunerable to the world and its ability to hit you where it hurts the most. But I feel a change coming in my life... and it is so incredibly important for me to pay attention to what's going on around me, guiding my life in the direction I know is best for me. This may include, but is not limited to: various forms of change, conquering obstacles, failures, and acceptance. Whiiich... may also include: pure joy, anxiety, strength I knew I had, strength I didn't know I had, weakness I knew... hell and didn't know... I had, and happiness I didn't know was possible.
Wait. Why do I hold myself back? I'm writing this, and reading it, and rereading it, and... yeah. I go back a LOT... and I'm realizing how silly I sound. For one, I'm suuuper tired! I work about 50 hours a week, and it is catching up with me! For another... I'm already so lost in myself, that I can't even see out anymore. I need to get over myself! And I mean that, not in a conceited kind of way, but in the sense that... I'm being pathetic. Yup. That's it. Pa-the-tic. I have so much potential, but I constantly dwell on thoughts of undeservingness... or some fancy word that means I suck. Plain and simple. My insecurities have shifted from appearance issues as a teen, to success issues as an adult. At my day job, I have confidence in myself. I know I'm good at what I do, and I fight for recognition of said ability. However, in everything else, be it music, relationships, friendships, what have you... I don't feel worthy of what I probably deserve. NAY! What I do deserve. So, I hold myself back... back from potentially amazing, new chapters in my life.
The funny thing? Today's post was originally started to talk about my writing style this year. It's different... I don't know if I like it. But I'm realizing... I'm just changing. I'm growing older, I'm experiencing new things, and I'm growing tired... tired of just floating through life in a protective bubble. Tired of talking about things, instead of doing them. So my writing is failing... because there's nothing really going on! And because I hear myself repeating myself, so I'm growing bored with my blog. I need... fresh air. I need to live... really live. Breathe life in, filling my lungs with its precious oxygen... feel inspiration... feel inspiiired... even whispering the word sounds like a sigh of relief. I can't just live my life in two places: home and work. I need to get out, see things, hear things, feel, smell, taste- you get the picture. And I'm pretty sure I need to get out of LA. Not today. Not tomorrow. But soon... I've thought about it a lot lately, and I always picture 1 year from now being my mark. I just don't think I can last longer than that. And it's not because I don't love LA, I do! But, I'm 27, I've never even been on a damn plane, and I'm starting to feel like the ground is glued to my feet. I need to spread my wings, and fly away. I may even try out different places... but I know, LA is not the end to my journey. There is so much more waiting for me out there... in the world. And I aim to experience all I can before its impending doom... because.... come on. We all know the planet is dying, and it ain't no Mayan Calendar telling us so! Don't even get me started... that's a whole 'nother blog! A long one... just telling you now ;) ... and I'll tell ya' what else... there's something happening here. What it is... it isn't exactly clear... and this man... he's over there with a gun! What the FUCK!
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