Ya' know, sometimes... I read too much. I research too much. I obsess too much. Shocker. However, recently I've been reading and learning some very interesting things. A lot of weird stuff is going on... I don't believe it all, but I believe enough. Terrifying stuff... but the more I read, the more I think: "Well, better live it up then!"
I've been making plans to 'live it up' for some time now, but today marked an important step towards my goals. It's all becoming real... and I couldn't be more excited!!! Taking control of my life and creating a new reality for myself is an extraordinary feeling. I feel powerful... but not in a dangerous way. In a freeing way... like I can do whatever I set my mind to. Because, I can. And for once, I'm gonna.
My trip to Fresno was successful in so many ways. Not only did I reunite with some wonderful people, but I was finally away from the city, able to think; breathe; be. It gave me the few days I needed to really think about what is important to me. Leaving LA, diving into music, and a new adventure; these are the experiences I've been craving. Finally, today, I told my work as much. Come March, I'm out of here. It's real.
Damn, shit just got real!
This is really happening!! I will soon begin a new chapter in my life. One that can shape my entire future. I'm no longer a prisoner to what I thought I needed to do, and who I thought I needed to be... the answer was always within me. It is me. Just me. Me being me.
My Aunt Roxy told me I was wasting my talents. She was right. I know I'm capable of more, yet I've always settled for less. No more, my friends! None of it may turn out how I expect, so I'm going in with no expectations. Because... no matter where I go, no matter what I find, no matter who I become, I will know I followed my heart. I will take pride in my decisions and learn from my mistakes. I will keep my positive attitude and attract those who appreciate it. Oh yes, I will follow my heart and do what makes me happy. Isn't that what life is about? All of these stories I've been reading (yes, I remember how this started), they keep me educated. Knowledge is power, so I take it all in. But I won't let it control my life. I do that. So, while they motivated me to begin this post, the underlying story here, folks, is that Shaneil is moving on. To greener pastures? I'd stay tuned and see.. =)
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Addicted To Happy
I awoke today, awakened.
I awoke today, revived.
I awoke today... alive!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. A brand new life, at that. Something is... different. All of the sadness, fear, worry, angst... it's dimmed its blinding light, allowing me to see more clearly than I have in a very long time. I woke up early, made coffee, and got to work. The first step on this plan I speak of is to clean this apartment and minimize the junk. Unfortunately, I have a lot of what you may call "junk"... I tend to attach sentimental value to the most mundane items... therefore acquiring a lot of... well- crap.
...But I digress...
The point is, I feel better than I have in months. Maybe even longer! I feel strength inside of me I never knew possible. Courage. Ahhh... courage. We don't really get along, now do we? I am quite the wuss, and not necessarily proud of it, but accepting of it. It's just who I am, darn it! Sometimes, however, courage is necessary to move forward in life. Hell, that's almost always the case! And finally, it's happened to me... right in front- of my face, and I just- cannot hiiiide it!!!
So that happened.
It's pretty obvious, even as I sit here writing, that I even "sound" happier. I feel as if a boulder has been lifted from my aching shoulders. It feels.... wuuuunderbar! Absolutely, blissfully amazing. I broke free! Free from the pull of a dragging soul. I feel like me again. This is truly a day in my own personal history I won't soon forget.
This week will affect my future more than any other week so far this year. I'm seeing a lot of very special people in my life, all influences on who I am in very big ways. Tomorrow, I visit my "LA Father" (previously mentioned in my last blog, 'A New Beginning'), and have dinner with my wonderful ex-boyfriend turned true friend, Jordan. This weekend, I see my family. My amazing, loving, genuine family. And I spend the entire weekend with my Grammy. Probably the most supportive person I've ever known... and through years of building a mutual respect for each other, my best friend. This week will be epic, to say the least.
Life is a tricky little fella'. It pulls you in so many directions, physically... mentally... emotionally... All I've ever wanted was happiness. Not money. Not fame. Just happiness. The older I get, the more I realize what truly makes me happy. Recently discovering it is not the life I'm living was terrifying. You mean, I have to change everything...?! "Yup", life snickers. Jerk.
So here I am... on a new journey, but this time, not so terrified. I won't just talk about it anymore! Hooray! Progress is addicting, I tell ya'... and though I need another vice like I need a hole in the head, I think I'll let this one stick.
I awoke today, revived.
I awoke today... alive!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. A brand new life, at that. Something is... different. All of the sadness, fear, worry, angst... it's dimmed its blinding light, allowing me to see more clearly than I have in a very long time. I woke up early, made coffee, and got to work. The first step on this plan I speak of is to clean this apartment and minimize the junk. Unfortunately, I have a lot of what you may call "junk"... I tend to attach sentimental value to the most mundane items... therefore acquiring a lot of... well- crap.
...But I digress...
The point is, I feel better than I have in months. Maybe even longer! I feel strength inside of me I never knew possible. Courage. Ahhh... courage. We don't really get along, now do we? I am quite the wuss, and not necessarily proud of it, but accepting of it. It's just who I am, darn it! Sometimes, however, courage is necessary to move forward in life. Hell, that's almost always the case! And finally, it's happened to me... right in front- of my face, and I just- cannot hiiiide it!!!
So that happened.
It's pretty obvious, even as I sit here writing, that I even "sound" happier. I feel as if a boulder has been lifted from my aching shoulders. It feels.... wuuuunderbar! Absolutely, blissfully amazing. I broke free! Free from the pull of a dragging soul. I feel like me again. This is truly a day in my own personal history I won't soon forget.
This week will affect my future more than any other week so far this year. I'm seeing a lot of very special people in my life, all influences on who I am in very big ways. Tomorrow, I visit my "LA Father" (previously mentioned in my last blog, 'A New Beginning'), and have dinner with my wonderful ex-boyfriend turned true friend, Jordan. This weekend, I see my family. My amazing, loving, genuine family. And I spend the entire weekend with my Grammy. Probably the most supportive person I've ever known... and through years of building a mutual respect for each other, my best friend. This week will be epic, to say the least.
Life is a tricky little fella'. It pulls you in so many directions, physically... mentally... emotionally... All I've ever wanted was happiness. Not money. Not fame. Just happiness. The older I get, the more I realize what truly makes me happy. Recently discovering it is not the life I'm living was terrifying. You mean, I have to change everything...?! "Yup", life snickers. Jerk.
So here I am... on a new journey, but this time, not so terrified. I won't just talk about it anymore! Hooray! Progress is addicting, I tell ya'... and though I need another vice like I need a hole in the head, I think I'll let this one stick.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Don't Worry, Be Happy
I'm in a fantastic mood tonight! What a nice change of pace... my body aches, my mind still races, my heart steps lightly... but I'm happy. I'm cheerful =) Hoorah!
I'm really trying to change my attitude and perspective for the better. I realize I've been a big pity boo hoo party lately, but it's all a process towards a better, happier me. A couple of wonderful people in my life have reminded me that it's okay to break down; it's okay to be upset; it's okay not to always be the positive, outgoing one. I'm still human, and an emotional one at that! Oh, yes... we know this well, don't we?
Anywho, I know one big reason as to why I feel so great tonight. I'm going home, if only for a couple of days. And it's not going home that makes me feel so great, because honestly, I don't miss it. However, I miss the people; the love; the understanding. LA is just not the place for me, and though I'm working on a new plan, it's nice to at least get away for a bit. And to see my Mom and siblings and Grammy and cousins and... eek!!! So excited! I just love these people with all of my beating heart, and I cannot WAIT to see them! Happy Shaneil- yay!
A very nice customer, who has recently begun reading my blog, had a lovely talk with me about my blog and what he had discovered. He worded things in a way I have yet to hear, and it got me thinking... I spend so much time doing nothing but sitting around, trying to find happiness from within. Okay, not so bad when read aloud, but the point he made was not to forget to allow external stimulation in... he mentioned reading, but also being out and about; seeing art; being social; simply, living. I haven't done much of that these days. So though going home for the holidays may seem mundane to most, to me, it's everything. Getting away from the daily grind, while being surrounded by people who genuinely care for me... I really couldn't imagine anything better right now.
I've felt myself getting lower and lower, sinking deeper and deeper... into an abyss of self-mutilation by analytical approach. Make sense? Basically, I'm over-analyzing the shit outta' myself! It's time to relax. To breathe. To just... be. Live. We will all encounter struggles in our lives, be them small or great. What makes us strong as individuals is pushing the lid off that well of emotions, embracing the lessons we learn along the way. In other words, I can't just sit around and dwell on these feelings. Yes, I must act on them in the pursuit of good ol' happiness, but I can't leave my life in the dust of my thoughts. (Lots of weird metaphors popping up suddenly... I'm tired!) The point is, I won't let the weight of life crush me. I'm stronger than that. I've been through much worse. So, I won't worry. About a thing. 'Caaause-
Every.
Little.
Thing.
Is gonna be alright... <3
I'm really trying to change my attitude and perspective for the better. I realize I've been a big pity boo hoo party lately, but it's all a process towards a better, happier me. A couple of wonderful people in my life have reminded me that it's okay to break down; it's okay to be upset; it's okay not to always be the positive, outgoing one. I'm still human, and an emotional one at that! Oh, yes... we know this well, don't we?
Anywho, I know one big reason as to why I feel so great tonight. I'm going home, if only for a couple of days. And it's not going home that makes me feel so great, because honestly, I don't miss it. However, I miss the people; the love; the understanding. LA is just not the place for me, and though I'm working on a new plan, it's nice to at least get away for a bit. And to see my Mom and siblings and Grammy and cousins and... eek!!! So excited! I just love these people with all of my beating heart, and I cannot WAIT to see them! Happy Shaneil- yay!
A very nice customer, who has recently begun reading my blog, had a lovely talk with me about my blog and what he had discovered. He worded things in a way I have yet to hear, and it got me thinking... I spend so much time doing nothing but sitting around, trying to find happiness from within. Okay, not so bad when read aloud, but the point he made was not to forget to allow external stimulation in... he mentioned reading, but also being out and about; seeing art; being social; simply, living. I haven't done much of that these days. So though going home for the holidays may seem mundane to most, to me, it's everything. Getting away from the daily grind, while being surrounded by people who genuinely care for me... I really couldn't imagine anything better right now.
I've felt myself getting lower and lower, sinking deeper and deeper... into an abyss of self-mutilation by analytical approach. Make sense? Basically, I'm over-analyzing the shit outta' myself! It's time to relax. To breathe. To just... be. Live. We will all encounter struggles in our lives, be them small or great. What makes us strong as individuals is pushing the lid off that well of emotions, embracing the lessons we learn along the way. In other words, I can't just sit around and dwell on these feelings. Yes, I must act on them in the pursuit of good ol' happiness, but I can't leave my life in the dust of my thoughts. (Lots of weird metaphors popping up suddenly... I'm tired!) The point is, I won't let the weight of life crush me. I'm stronger than that. I've been through much worse. So, I won't worry. About a thing. 'Caaause-
Every.
Little.
Thing.
Is gonna be alright... <3
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
On The Road Again
This path towards happiness and a new change in my life is opening new insights and new perspectives every day. I'm constantly overwhelmed with various emotions, each one leading me towards a new revelation.
I'm beginning to realize how unhappy I am...
How frightened I am...
How alone I am...
Yet, simultaneously, reminding myself how strong I can be...
How strong I am.
I hold the power to create the reality I want to exist in... but I find myself wallowing in sorrow and self-pity. I want to leave LA. I want to be in love. I want to do more with my life. I want... no, I need, change. Damn that broken record player!
So I've said all of this before, time and time again, but it feels like the more I say it, the more I believe it. And the more I believe it, the stronger I feel inside. The stronger I feel, the more motivated I feel... and believe me, I need motivation!
The main struggle I'm having is feeling alone. So alone. I had a nice talk with my Grammy the other day, and she reminded me not to dismiss how hard it is to be single and alone. She reassured me that it's okay to feel that way. I guess I don't like to admit it, being so aware of the many struggles for so many other people. I don't feel like I have the right to be sad about being alone... but I am. I would do anything for someone I truly loved... and only want someone to feel the same. And that's okay. What I shouldn't do, however, is put all of my efforts into something that is never gonna happen...
But that's another story.
In the meantime, it is incredibly important that I love myself as I would said future lover. And, to be totally honest, I am not doing that. Today, however, I awoke knowing this. I've never been more aware of the damage I'm causing by neglecting myself. So, I'm embarking on a new road towards happiness. Not only everything I've discussed recently, but also keeping my mind and heart away from an illusion I've built up... Vague, I know, but some things are better left private. I guess my point is- I'm changing. I'm evolving. I'm growing and learning and continuing to love. This maze of emotions is taking me all over the place, but it's leading me towards something better. Something I deserve. And when I get there, all of this moaning and groaning and hurting will be worth it.
Every. Single. Bit of it.
I'm beginning to realize how unhappy I am...
How frightened I am...
How alone I am...
Yet, simultaneously, reminding myself how strong I can be...
How strong I am.
I hold the power to create the reality I want to exist in... but I find myself wallowing in sorrow and self-pity. I want to leave LA. I want to be in love. I want to do more with my life. I want... no, I need, change. Damn that broken record player!
So I've said all of this before, time and time again, but it feels like the more I say it, the more I believe it. And the more I believe it, the stronger I feel inside. The stronger I feel, the more motivated I feel... and believe me, I need motivation!
The main struggle I'm having is feeling alone. So alone. I had a nice talk with my Grammy the other day, and she reminded me not to dismiss how hard it is to be single and alone. She reassured me that it's okay to feel that way. I guess I don't like to admit it, being so aware of the many struggles for so many other people. I don't feel like I have the right to be sad about being alone... but I am. I would do anything for someone I truly loved... and only want someone to feel the same. And that's okay. What I shouldn't do, however, is put all of my efforts into something that is never gonna happen...
But that's another story.
In the meantime, it is incredibly important that I love myself as I would said future lover. And, to be totally honest, I am not doing that. Today, however, I awoke knowing this. I've never been more aware of the damage I'm causing by neglecting myself. So, I'm embarking on a new road towards happiness. Not only everything I've discussed recently, but also keeping my mind and heart away from an illusion I've built up... Vague, I know, but some things are better left private. I guess my point is- I'm changing. I'm evolving. I'm growing and learning and continuing to love. This maze of emotions is taking me all over the place, but it's leading me towards something better. Something I deserve. And when I get there, all of this moaning and groaning and hurting will be worth it.
Every. Single. Bit of it.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Breakdown, It's Alright...
I'm goin' down, folks- and it ain't pretty! Sandi's leaving tomorrow, moving down to San Diego, and I'm bummed. And being bummed is reminding me of everything else I'm bummed about. And that, in turn, is bumming me out!! *Siiigh*
Okay, so I'm having a weeee bit of a meltdown. But it's okay! I think I need it... I've been having some really, really bad days... low days... but suddenly I'm smiling and laughing a bit, at myself of course. And ya' know what? It feels good. I think I suddenly just had the acceptance of the fact that everything is going to be okay. It is. Wow... it even felt good to say that! (Write that... whatever.)
The point is, it's the first time I've felt relief in quite some time. My mind has been travelling some dark and dreary paths, and I needed something, anything, and quickly. I have a plan for the near future, yes. I'm setting goals and creating ways to achieve them, yes. But it's all "someday" and "one day" and I need happiness "TOday". I can't dwell on the future. I can see it clearly, and strive towards it, but I can't just wait for it. I have to live in the present, feel apart of something. I was speaking about this with Ms. Sandi recently, and I said something to her that embodied exactly how I feel. It really shook me. I said, "I feel like nobody. Like I'm nobody." What a terribly depressing feeling! To feel no purpose... unnecessary... no use at all. Geez louise, Shaneil! GET IT TOGETHER!
To best describe this feeling in a relatable way, I guess I'd say I feel like someone who just realized they no longer believe in God. Someone who lost all faith in something better... it's a little terrifying! I started to wonder why I even existed... and took it too far. That's the short and skinny of it. But for the first time in a long time, I felt good tonight. Relieved, as I said. Letting it all crash down, if even for just a moment, released some deep-seeded feelings I've been struggling with. I'm still hurting, if not only beginning to hurt, but the path is a little brighter, a little more positive, a little more motivating. A bit more attainable and a lot more exciting! I have some big plans for this life of mine. It's time I embraced that, instead of dreading the wait. Every single day, I have the power to make that day mine. Make it something to remember. Make it a good day. Hmm... I feel like I know someone who has preached this before... but hey! I never said I take my own advice, I just looove to give it! ;)
Okay, so I'm having a weeee bit of a meltdown. But it's okay! I think I need it... I've been having some really, really bad days... low days... but suddenly I'm smiling and laughing a bit, at myself of course. And ya' know what? It feels good. I think I suddenly just had the acceptance of the fact that everything is going to be okay. It is. Wow... it even felt good to say that! (Write that... whatever.)
The point is, it's the first time I've felt relief in quite some time. My mind has been travelling some dark and dreary paths, and I needed something, anything, and quickly. I have a plan for the near future, yes. I'm setting goals and creating ways to achieve them, yes. But it's all "someday" and "one day" and I need happiness "TOday". I can't dwell on the future. I can see it clearly, and strive towards it, but I can't just wait for it. I have to live in the present, feel apart of something. I was speaking about this with Ms. Sandi recently, and I said something to her that embodied exactly how I feel. It really shook me. I said, "I feel like nobody. Like I'm nobody." What a terribly depressing feeling! To feel no purpose... unnecessary... no use at all. Geez louise, Shaneil! GET IT TOGETHER!
To best describe this feeling in a relatable way, I guess I'd say I feel like someone who just realized they no longer believe in God. Someone who lost all faith in something better... it's a little terrifying! I started to wonder why I even existed... and took it too far. That's the short and skinny of it. But for the first time in a long time, I felt good tonight. Relieved, as I said. Letting it all crash down, if even for just a moment, released some deep-seeded feelings I've been struggling with. I'm still hurting, if not only beginning to hurt, but the path is a little brighter, a little more positive, a little more motivating. A bit more attainable and a lot more exciting! I have some big plans for this life of mine. It's time I embraced that, instead of dreading the wait. Every single day, I have the power to make that day mine. Make it something to remember. Make it a good day. Hmm... I feel like I know someone who has preached this before... but hey! I never said I take my own advice, I just looove to give it! ;)
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Scattered Thoughts
I'm having one of those nights where I wish I was someone else.
...Yuck. I already hate this post.
I never feel this way. Ever. I really like who I've become, and how I still learn every day. However, for whatever reason, I feel really, really low tonight. And so I write...
Sometimes, I'm great.
Sometimes, I'm fun.
Heck, sometimes, I'm funny. Sometimes.
Sometimes, I'm a pain. Who isn't? For example, I left a hangout sesh early tonight because I have a problem. I simply cannot watch shows I've never seen in "large" groups. Large, being more than myself and one other person. I can't help it. I hear like an old lady as it is, and I really, really like to hear every single word. Seriously. It's no one's fault, just my own issue. So I came home.
Sometimes, I'm emotional. I am a woman, after all, and a songwriter, at that! So I think about things I long for and wonder if it's me... maybe if I change...
Pish posh, that's horseshit and I know it.
Yet, these are the things going through my mind tonight. Why do I have to be so difficult sometimes? Why do I blame myself for things I can't help? Why am I so hard on myself? It's strange to me, knowing myself so well, how I can be so forgiving with everyone but myself. Sure, I stand my ground where I see fit, but I try my hardest to accept people as they are. We all have our own unique personalities that make us "us"; being different is the beauty of people. But... here I sit. Beating myself down. Just for being me. How sad.
I could sit here and speculate and analyze and whine some more, but I know this feeling and from where it stems. I'm aching for that change I keep talking about. The good news? I actually mapped out my 6-month plan! Now... where to start...
But it isn't enough. I need results. Such is the engineer behind my procrastination: I overwhelm myself. Looking at the big picture only stretches the time... soon, however, time is up... no wonder I have anxiety.
So, short thoughts tonight. Can ya' keep up?? Probably not. It's okay, just think of this post like an engine. You're revving that engine, and there's noise coming out, but nothing's really coming alive yet. Yup! That's me right now. Allow me to collect these thoughts I've dropped everywhere and continue on another night. This mess ain't gonna clean up itself!
...Yuck. I already hate this post.
I never feel this way. Ever. I really like who I've become, and how I still learn every day. However, for whatever reason, I feel really, really low tonight. And so I write...
Sometimes, I'm great.
Sometimes, I'm fun.
Heck, sometimes, I'm funny. Sometimes.
Sometimes, I'm a pain. Who isn't? For example, I left a hangout sesh early tonight because I have a problem. I simply cannot watch shows I've never seen in "large" groups. Large, being more than myself and one other person. I can't help it. I hear like an old lady as it is, and I really, really like to hear every single word. Seriously. It's no one's fault, just my own issue. So I came home.
Sometimes, I'm emotional. I am a woman, after all, and a songwriter, at that! So I think about things I long for and wonder if it's me... maybe if I change...
Pish posh, that's horseshit and I know it.
Yet, these are the things going through my mind tonight. Why do I have to be so difficult sometimes? Why do I blame myself for things I can't help? Why am I so hard on myself? It's strange to me, knowing myself so well, how I can be so forgiving with everyone but myself. Sure, I stand my ground where I see fit, but I try my hardest to accept people as they are. We all have our own unique personalities that make us "us"; being different is the beauty of people. But... here I sit. Beating myself down. Just for being me. How sad.
I could sit here and speculate and analyze and whine some more, but I know this feeling and from where it stems. I'm aching for that change I keep talking about. The good news? I actually mapped out my 6-month plan! Now... where to start...
But it isn't enough. I need results. Such is the engineer behind my procrastination: I overwhelm myself. Looking at the big picture only stretches the time... soon, however, time is up... no wonder I have anxiety.
So, short thoughts tonight. Can ya' keep up?? Probably not. It's okay, just think of this post like an engine. You're revving that engine, and there's noise coming out, but nothing's really coming alive yet. Yup! That's me right now. Allow me to collect these thoughts I've dropped everywhere and continue on another night. This mess ain't gonna clean up itself!
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