Dream Baby

Yesterday, I had my heart broken.
Today, I woke up a new woman.

I love when that happens.

I said I wasn't going to write about it, but I honestly don't care anymore. Why wouldn't I write about it? That's me. That's who I am. Unapologetic for how I feel, and open and honest with my writing. And see... that's where it all ties in. Confused yet? Follow me...

For two years, I have been in love with a man who will never love me.
Boom.
The truth.
I have obviously let it go on for far too long... but if you met someone who is everything you've ever wanted, wouldn't you fight for it? "Love is patient, love is kind.." Well, I've been kind and patient and now I just want to move on. This person really is a wonderful man, he just fails to see how amazingly awesome I am. What I realized today, is that that's okay. His loss, right? No... it's not. And that's also okay.

You see, I'm finally finding acceptance. Acceptance for that which I cannot change. If I am not the person he wants, then I shouldn't be the one he has. And really, I shouldn't want to be. I spoke about this person, quite vaguely, but quite often, in my last blog. I once said, "What if you meet the man of your dreams, but you're not the woman of his?" Does it mean you should wait around for years, hoping he will one day see how great you are and sweep you off your feet? NO. However, I have no regrets, just lessons learned.

One such lesson I've learned is to just be myself. I spent so much time trying to be something he would want, instead of just being me. The pressure and uneasiness that comes with this task is just not worth it. At all. I learned this lesson in friendships long ago, but love is a tricky feeling... It clouds the mind, weakening the heart. It leaves you vulnerable. It makes everything else seem less important. You pine, pray, lie awake, hope, yearn, ignore concern, dwell, stew, a lover's brew... you just... live for this person, no matter what. No matter how much it hurts you. No matter how little they care. It's all you can think about. I have been doing this for two years...

So when hope reared its seemingly innocent head again, I jumped at the opportunity to make this happen. Yesterday, I got the final blow. He's seeing someone again. And it's not you. LET IT GO!!! ... so, I did. I am. It's a process, but it all started with the truth. Now that he knows it, I can finally move forward and begin properly healing. Besides not being my true self for quite some time, I have also left myself closed off from any other opportunities for love. Real love. True love. No one has ever compared to him, but therein lies the problem. Compared... I shouldn't be comparing him to anyone. For one, that's completely unfair to anyone I meet. And for two, he was never even mine to begin with! How can I even begin to assume we would've been perfect together? How am I to know that no one else can give me what I "think" he would've given me? And how in the hell can I just wait around, hoping to find out one day??

So, you see how unhealthy this was.

I dreamed a lot last night. Tossing and turning, I would fall back into another dream, starring you know who. Every. Time. When I awoke, I realized that he was only who I wanted him to be in my dreams. However, I cannot live in my dreams. I live in the real world. And the reality is, he will never be mine. Like a slap to the face, I snapped out of my dream world. I'm only beginning to heal from this pain, this unrequited love... the difference between now and the last couple of years is one painfully necessary feeling: acceptance. Refusing to accept the facts has only left me wading in my dream pool. Constantly struggling for air, fighting the waves of truth, searching for an island in a sea of hopeless dreams. This morning, I washed up on the shores of life. Real life. It's not going to be easy. Far from it. Though my heart was weak during this strange period of my life, it beats strong today, knowing I'm finally doing the right thing. For myself. Not for him, not for what I wish we could've had, but for my own heart and soul. One day, I'm going to find the one who loves me for exactly who I am. And I, him. In the meantime, I'm embracing who I am, and letting her live just the way she deserves to live... as herself. Not someone adjusting to what someone else wants. What kind of life is that??

So. Dream Baby, thank you. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being yourself. Thank you for lessons learned. And thank you, for letting me go... You may continue to star in my dreams, but the man for me is out here, in real life, waiting for me. I plan to be there when he arrives.