Dreamed A Little Dream of Me

Holy. Fricken'. Canoli. MOLY!!! Nothing like your subconscious to manifest a nightmare to jolt you awake... literally and figuratively! My life has been so stagnant lately, and though I keep talking about making moves, I'm really... well, not. Yes, I've picked up a whole mess of hours at work and am finally independently, financially stable (well, minus the stack of creditors calling me). Yes, I'm performing at the House of Blues, yet again, with my good friends, Sam & Sandi. Yes, I've lost a bunch of weight and feel pretty damn good about myself.

Okay, maybe I have made some moves.

But, not nearly enough! For one, the money situation? Still have a load of debt! The performances? They're not even for my own music! And the weight loss? Great- but I still have a lot to work on health wise. Quitting smoking, better eating habits, stretching, exercise...

However, this nightmare... it had nothing to do with these observations, and yet... everything to do with them! In this short dream (which occurred after waking up early this morning, then falling back asleep for an hour), I had let myself go so much, that I was crashing in the most random places, including the streets. When I finally came home one day, I arrived to discover that my apartment had been cleared out, the apartment number changed, and two young boys were living in my studio. (Note: while looking for my apartment, I kept getting lost in the building, almost unable to find my way back... more symbolism, if you ask me!) When I finally barged into what I thought was my apartment, the two boys seemed to feel sad for me, and even let me use their phone to call my landlord. My landlord, being his usual snarky self, listened to my cries and pleas concerning the loss of my apartment and personal items, then said, "Well, you sound good." Condescending, snarky, sarcastic tone... and I lost it. Broke down, hysterically crying, mind racing at the thought of losing everything in one moment... but, it wasn't one moment. It had been a long time coming... and all because I lost control.

Then, I woke up.

That was 20 minutes ago. When I woke up, I looked around, soaking in the sight of my dream apartment, precious little angel face (Buster), and personal belongings. Mind you, personal belongings being a collection of items with little monetary value, but extreme sentimental value. The emotions that overcame me were not of happiness, but of desperation. Relief that it wasn't too late, yet awareness that it could be. Now, don't get me wrong, I pay rent on time. I don't cause disturbances in my building. My apartment isn't that messy. I'm not exactly in line to be evicted and literally lose everything. However, losing everything does NOT mean tangibly. Losing everything, to me, right now, in this moment, means losing everything that makes me who I am. Everything that makes me happy. The internal everything... s. They are slowly slipping away...

Well, today, I awoke renewed. Rejuvenated. Refreshed. Awake. Aware. NO MORE. I'm saying it right now, out loud and inwardly, NO. FLIPPIN'. MORE. My apartment is a mess, my dog is depressed, I never cook, I rarely play, and I take life for granted, every day. There's so much I could be doing... should be doing... and the fear of passing a point of no return has finally opened my eyes.

I know what you're thinking... I'm thinking it, too... I've said this all before. I've written about this before. I've strived towards this before. Well, you, the doubts in my mind, and the fear in my heart can just shut the hell up!!! I've been a lot of talk lately, I know this... but something about this dream really struck a chord within me... if you could imagine a chord, or even one note, that embodies what it feels like to wake up this way... frightened, alone... spiraling down a well of failures, yet suddenly, looking up and seeing the light growing dimmer. It's a rude awakening that I needed to feel, and a note playing with every beat of my heart. Living day by day, work shift by shift, bill by bill, sleep by sleep... it has to stop. Life is so much more than that, and I for one, REFUSE to just stroll through life.

So. Goals. Dreams. Wishes. Aspirations. All that good stuff... let's get that ball rollin'!

Music.
Cooking.
Writing.
Health.
Debts.
Pup's Well Being.
Dream Apartment.

These are my priorities. These are my dreams. These make me happy... and yes, that sounds really weird when spoken aloud. So, maybe grammar, too. The point is... what was my point?... oh yeah, no more distractions. No more gliding through life with the bare minimum. That is not my style. I left Fresno years ago, because I wanted more. More than the average life. More than the norm. I, for one, am not normal. And I'm proud of that... now, I want to be proud of me. My life resume. But, not just my life on paper, my soul. My inner well-being. I just don't want to look back one day, and wish I had done that... I make it a personal priority to never live with regrets. Yet, the only person who can control that is, you guessed it, ME.

So.. hey... hey, Shaneil... yeah, you- come here. Um... get your shit together! Okay?! Please and thank you.

All I Ever Wanted...

As I was making my coffee this morning, I noticed something unusual... Silence. Complete, utter silence. At first, I thought how beautiful it was... then suddenly, "Holy crap, is it the end of the world today?? .... No.... no, wait... helicopter and bus driving by. We're good." Maybe I do need to get out of the city.

Or maybe, I'm just longing for something that has left. Yup, pretty sure that's it. A recent visit from an old friend unexpectedly opened up some old wounds... and I'm finding myself struggling to return to my blissful state of being. My mood has changed... I'm not as... bouncy? Not as witty; not as energetic; not as happy. I'm suddenly reevaluating what I really want, as I watch this person going through the same thing.

I've also come to the realization that I will always care about this person more than they care about me. I'm sure we've all felt this way before... but I'm conflicted. Am I okay with that? Can I live with that? Is that 'just the way it is'? How do you accept something so... so... depressing? I'm not one to quote recent pop songs (as in, from the last 20 years), but Kelly Clarkson has a song that says, "All I ever wanted was a simple way to get over you". Apparently, these "simple ways" do. not. exist.

It's been well over a year since I started this journey to accepting what I cannot change. And I was fine. Fine! Now... I desperately need to return my focus to what I can change. What I can control. My life is in my hands, and like a delicate fabergé egg, I need to handle with care. Any sudden movements, and my life could fall to the floor, shattering into a million broken pieces, each one an integral part of what makes me happy... and makes me me. Okay Shaneil, WAKE UP!!!

There's work to be done, moves to be made, challenges to conquer. I don't have time for this! Wasting my time and energy on something I have no say in is just silly! I obviously still have some healing to do, but I'm moving forward with a stronger heart, a healthier mind, and a clear conscience. I know what I deserve, so I'm not settling for less. The heart can be foolish... but I am NO fool. It's Just Me... It's Just Me... and I know how to treat me right! So, from this day forward, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Another One Bites The Dust...

Well, Los Angeles... you've done it again! Driven somebody wonderful away...
I've seen this happen time and time again, but I tell ya', this one is hard to watch. LA has a sinister way of chewing people up and spitting them out, without any remorse what-so-ever. Why does this happen? What can I really say about LA that we don't already know? It's a make it or break it town, and it's breaking more and more people... every day.

Every day, lives are lost on the streets.
Every day, dreams are crushed beneath its feet.
Every day, people are destroyed...

Yet still, individuals and families continually flock to the great big city of Los Angeles, hopes and dreams in hand, eyes on the prize, ready to be included in the All-American Dream. But what is the "All-American Dream"? Perhaps that's our greatest problem; our expectations. Yearning for material items, big promotions, fame, fortune... what about... happiness? Shouldn't this be our core goal? It's certainly mine...

As I grow older, I feel more and more people pull away from this city. Some of the greatest people I know are continuously griping about the conditions in this place. And with good reason! I see it; I get it. However, I find myself quite happy here. I do have a high tolerance for that which most do not... but, I'm not just tolerating this town, I'm loving this town.

There's beauty in its diversity.
There's hope in the air.
There's faith in its people.

Yes, there are flaws everywhere, but what city doesn't have its flaws?? What situations don't have their obstacles? Life is a rollercoaster of highs and lows, but as I've said before, (and will say so much more!), happiness originates within. Furthermore, I think finding true happiness isn't about where you are, but who you are; and what you generate within yourself to find said happiness in life.

Every day, I look around and see the good in people. I see the bad, too... but I have a tendency to look past the bad and find the good in any situation, and any person. We all have good within us, but sometimes, life draws our weaknesses out and shines a spotlight on them. Part of why I choose to stay, besides feeling like my time is not through here just yet, is because... if all of the good people fled "terrible" cities, who would be left?? Are we to just leave these places to rot? Or is it better to try and instill some good in the lives of those lost?

So many thoughts on this topic... I want to write more about this, but I need to do some more research. And get some more sleep. Being sleep deprived is HORRENDOUS for writing!!! So, I'll leave you with this:

Running away from your problems only leaves a trail of regret. Don't give up; don't back down. Remember, we're all in this together. We're all looking for happiness. And we all depend on each other for love and support. Change the world, one person, one moment at a time. Embrace the world. It's all we've got <3

Ooh, Baby- That's A-What I LOVE!

It's proving to be a bit difficult to get this blog a-rollin'... but it's only because I have been quite the busy bee! Bzzzzz...... <--- that's me, being a bee. Just go with it.

Life. Life is. Life is goood. No complaints on this end, as I travel through this journey with a smile and a double-wink (also known as a blink- but I call it the super wink!). Working 6 days a week is bringing in the funds I need to not only sustain a happy little life, but also begin to pay off debts from years past. This makes me smile. Working for a family who loves me as their own, making work even more enjoyable than I imagined; this makes me smile. Having a few close, amazing friends who bring joy and light into my life; this makes me smile. You could say I'm smiling a lot these days =)

However, I do have quite a few things to work on, including building better habits. I'm already being more aware of what I eat, and how much I eat, as I love... to eat! Have you tried this food stuff?!?! It's pretty darn tasty! I'm taking better care of my appearance, in the sense that I plucked my eyebrows and now wear makeup regularly. [ Let me be clear, I don't feel the need to wear makeup, but it sure makes me feel pretty =) ] I manage my money better than I ever have, and all it took was cutting out all debit/credit cards of any kind. I thrive purely off of cash, and it works quite well for me! It's strange... I feel all grown up and stuff, but my heart still beats as that of a child... not strange, wonderful...

I am a dork. I am a nerd. I am a goofball. I'm not always funny, but I think I am. And that's all that matters. I keep a smile on my face because I choose to keep a smile on my face. I'm aware of my 'flaws' and conscious of my efforts. I... am.

No idea where I'm going with this post, as usual, but it feels good to write. I don't always have the time, but I'm making the time. I don't always play my music, but I'm always working on it. I don't always drink beer, but when I do, it's delicious.

Blah, blah, blah... I love my life. And I'm going to keep loving my life. "And I'm gonna keeeep on lovin' youuuu!!!" 'Cause it's the only thing I wanna do. Love life. Enjoy life. LIVE. Live and breathe and cry and laugh and sing and dance and work and play and LOVE. So no worries, my friends, I am happy! That's for sure. Now, I just need to be writing... this is just a draft of things on my mind, and posts sure to come. A little all over the place, but a lot in love with life. Hey, Life! Have I told... you lately... that I love you?

Oh... oh I did.
Well I jus- yeah I understand I already said it, bu-
OKAY! Don't yell at me!

I love you, Life. Deal with it. <3

Holy Rigatoni! It's My Birthday! =D

Whoo! Celebrating a birthday does a lot of things to you! It reminds you and makes you appreciate all of the wonderful people who love you. It reminds you that you're getting older, and that time is precious. It takes a toll on your body! I am getting TOO OLD for this drinking business! One night of partying (which I do NOT do often) and I am POOPED!!!

But the emotion that I am feeling most... is missing the people that I truly love. Not the "just came on facebook to say Happy Birthday 'cause facebook reminded me it's today" people... which I DO appreciate!!! Every one of 'em!!!... but the people who I miss having in my daily life. My family... some of my best friends, far away... the not-so-constant constants in my life, that make me whole, yet I never see. Hell! Never talk to! Not seeing them is a bit out of my control as of now. A lack of funds and a lack of time continue to weigh me down... but not talking to them is just lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy.

I'm terrible on the phone. There's something about committing to sustaining a conversation with someone I can't even see, while holding this dreaded device up to my ear, that boils my blood. And then when I do get on the darn phone, I never get off! Hours fly by, because so have the months... years... and I suddenly have lost out on precious time I could be spending... oh, I don't know, cleaning or something. So I just don't. do it. I'm stating right here, right now, that I am going to do my darndest to fix that.

Moving right along, in spite of some feelings of guilt mixed in, I had a fantastic birthday! And it really just started! I'm 2 hours in to my actual birthday, and I'm already floating on air. What a marvelous feeling I'm feeling. My body aches, but my heart beats loud, each beat a flash of the faces that made my day amazing. From a cray cray drankin' night, to a night filled with glowsticks, party poppers, bubbles, a princess themed-party complete with a tiara and princess wand, yummy snacks, great friends, and hilarious moments. Tomorrow, I jump back in to work, where I will surely mention to every customer that it's my birthday. Plus, they may guess from the tiara I'm wearing. Oh yes. It's on tomorrow.

All in all, I feel great! I had 2 wonderful nights with wonderful people, surrounded by love, embraces, and smiles. And ohhh the laughs!! And through it all, I was also reminded that I should cherish some things a bit more. Not just say I do, but show I do. We all should... much, much more. <3

...A Nice Day, For A...

You guessed it- white weddinnng! (No, don't read it out loud, sing it out loud! If you already did, I love you...)

I often peruse Facebook, as some can probably tell, and I keep seeing friends getting married... all. over. the place. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a scrapbook of my future wedding or fall asleep to thoughts of that fabulous day with some fabulous man, but I do enjoy watching other people find that perfect one for them... that counterpart to their soul... the joy on their faces the day they officially announce it to the world, and commit to one another. It really is a beautiful thing.

So, I look at these pictures, and marvel in the fact that no matter what, the bride is always stunning. Always. Every woman wants to feel beautiful on their wedding day, and be it extravagant or elegantly simple, she always looks incredibly happy and in love. I always smile for them... my heart smiles.

However, I always find myself scanning these frozen moments for the genuine moments. And by that, I mean what may be considered a candid photo. I love... seeing someone jump in front of the camera, the posed unawares laughing at the photo bomb; the little flower girl, tossing the flowers in the wrong direction; the drunk groomsman, who obviously should not be dancing; the bride PISSED after the cake actually was crammed into her face; the groom, getting quite involved in the retrieval of the garter, while the bride laughs in joyous embarrassment... these are the moments I look for. These are the tender moments.

I think what makes a wedding perfect is its imperfections. Life is all about imperfections, and how we embrace them. One day, I'll get married. And knowing me, I'll either trip on my dress, laugh during the vows when I shouldn't, dance like an idiot, or be a bit too giddy... and those will be the moments I love. The unplanned moments. The awkward moments. The unexpected moments. Women plan and plan and plan, some WAY too much, and enable themselves to become the dreaded "bridezillas" we hear about. Of course not everything is going to go right; that's flippin' life! But when the true meaning of the day is upheld, the really wonderful moments are allowed to shine. The moments we look back on with a smile, and probably a funny story.

I think the moral here is... allow life to be imperfect. Don't dwell on how you wish things could be, just appreciate things for how and what they are. Act like an idiot, mess up a recipe, joke about a bad experience... make life yours, but allow it to flow. You never know what you could be missing out on... what doors you may be closing with your expectations. Dwelling on details and stressing over possible outcomes only adds to your unhappiness, so CALM THE HELL DOWN!!!

Takin' Care of Business!

My life isn't perfect, but it's perfect for me.

Every day, I wake up happy. Every day, I look around and appreciate everything I have. And every day, I strive for more. It could be in small ways, or even big ways, but I'm always looking for improvements in my life. And I think... that's what makes my life perfect for me.

Too often, we sit around and wish for more, while simultaneously ignoring what we already have. Finding a balance of the two can be difficult for many... but I think it's incredibly important to recognize and acknowledge how much you have in your life, while still wanting more, because you deserve more.

And now I'm repeating myself.

The point is, I'm happy. Things are coming together in my life, and once again, it's because I keep a positive attitude and attract good things. My main goals over the past several months have been to acquire a new bed, a new computer (and therefore, a new blog), join yoga, pick up more hours at work, clean up my apartment, and work on my music. Let's see where I stand, shall we!!

Bed- check.
Computer- check.
Bliggity Blog- chiggity check!
Yoga- check... ish. I went once =)
Hours at work- check.
Clean Apartment- check in progress...
Music- ..... let's talk about that another time, yes?

That ball is rollin' and knockin' pins down on the way to the end of this lane called life! Well, THAT'S a mouthful! .... and yes, that is most definitely what she said. 

My biggest problem as of now is writing... I finally have the tools to do so, but when I'm happy and content in my life, I find it difficult to rant like I used to... which in a sense, is beneficial for anyone reading this! I tend to get extremely intense about a topic and ramble on for infinite amounts of time. Yet, lately, I find myself forcing myself to write. Apologies for the lack of entertainment in these posts!!! It just does. not. work that way. Forcing myself to write equals lack of heart and passion in my posts. Yet, here I am! Forcing you to read this rubbish!

Now, where the hell was this post going?

Ah. Yes. Takin' care of business. Which I am, little by little. My tangible goals are, at least, being accomplished. Now, my focus is on my emotional goals. And by that, I mean my writing, my music, my passion... I still feel that fire inside of me at random intervals, but tapping into it when I most need it is proving itself difficult... SO! I will continue to write these all-over-the-place-where-the-hell-is-she-going-with-this? posts, which sounds TERRIBLE when read out loud, and keep faith in myself that I haven't lost my touch. And by touch, I mean that feeling I get when the keys are beneath my fingers, and I almost can't type fast enough, emotions flowing through me at the speed of light, electrified by the passion I have for life. Ohhh passion... I miss you. Let's make up- and once again, frolic through the fields of artistry and expression. And maybe write something better than this crap I just laid out. Pretty. Effin'. Please.

With Love & Understanding

Author's Note: This is a short post, with love and dedication to my Sandi Bear <3

It's a sad, sad day when you lose an animal in your life. It could be a dog, cat, bird or a fish... anything... but the emotional connection you feel with this living thing is a bond only you can understand. It can build up over years, or even just a day.

When I was a child, I had a dog and many fish. I still remember my plecostomus, a small algae-eater I had for years, named Mr. Miyagi. Every time one of my fish died, I would cry... even though it happened often, I loved them for being alive and in my life. I appreciated their life.

When my dog, Maxim, died... it was heartbreaking. He was my best friend for many, many years. I would sneak into my grandparents' bedroom in the middle of the night and curl up next to him on the floor. I would talk to him... ALL the time. About everything. I was picked on a lot as a child, so I felt he was the only one who understood me. I still think about him every day, and have his pictures plastered on my wall, in memory of his life.

On a lighter note... I once dated a guy who owned a snake. In an attempt to do something nice for him, I cleaned his apartment while he and his roommate were snowboarding, and remembered that he needed to feed his snake. So, I headed down to the pet store to pick up a feeder rat as dinner for this snake. Since he wasn't going to be home for a few more hours, I ended up playing with the rat around his apartment. Sure enough, I fell in LOVE with this little rat! So much so... that I ended up going back to the store, purchasing a cage, food and supplies for said rat, and bought another feeder rat to actually feed to the snake. I also never looked at it, for fear I would again fall in love! Needless to say, my new pet didn't live long... and I was, once again, mortified at the loss of a newfound friend. You could say I grow attached pretty easily!

So why all of this talk about losing pets? Today, my best friend has lost a beloved family dog, Gizmo. I understand all too well the pain of losing a loved one... especially an animal. There's something very special about the bond between human and animal. I believe it's almost greater than the bond between two humans. Without proper communication with an animal, you are left to feel and sense the love and loyalty with this creature... And it breaks my heart every time I hear of an animal being abused, left on the side of the street, or used for terrible purposes. Of all creatures, dogs are the most loyal, loving, and protective. We should, in turn, protect them with our love.

Luckily, all dogs go to heaven. May she Rest In Peace <3

Blank Stares at Blank Pages

Although I would love to blog every day, it doesn't always happen. Last night, I spent the evening with one of my best friends, Ms. Sandi. Being my neighbor, co-worker, partner in crime and blessing in my life, get used to hearing her name. It'll come up a lot =)

With our busy schedules, it isn't often we get to spend an evening vegging, watching movies and just talking. Even as neighbors! I mean, the woman lives ONE FLOOR below me! And I live next to the staircase! It's not exactly a task getting down there. Plus, I have a key, as does she to my apartment. So, you see how close we are. Anyways, we talked about a lot of great things last night. Sometimes, saying things out loud to someone who understands exactly where you're coming from is the greatest release, even over writing. Unfortunately, I kept thinking of ideal topics for my next blog... unfortunately, because I didn't want to end the conversation to write. Now, here I am, with the time to blog, and I stare at the blank page, missing the sparks I felt last evening to sit down and release the beasts vacationing in my mind.

It's a torturing feeling... not knowing what to write about. Not feeling inspired to write. In the months leading up to this new blog, I constantly thought of ideas and felt the urge to express them, but couldn't. Now that I can, I find myself struggling to flash back to those moments and finally put them to words. Well, what. the. hell!

Inspiration seems to come to me when I least expect it... and when it does, it is truly a glorious feeling to yearn for a blank page. This morning, the blank page taunts me with its emptiness... calling out to me for something... anything... to make it feel complete. Filling it with this nonsense is NOT what I had in mind. But, writing is like a muscle, and I'm slowly working out each day to strengthen and rebuild what I once had. With so much brewing inside of me, there will come a day when I have too much to write, and the blank pages that haunt me will once again, become full of life. Just have a little patience with me... and have a little faaaith in meeee!

Yes, I'm singing out loud.

Work HARD For The Money!!!

Ohhh man, only 1 blog in and I'm already ready to vent! It's been one of those days... so clench your cheeks, 'cause this shit just got REAL!

First of all, I'm not one for tooting my own horn... okay yes, yes I am... but if you've ever worked with me, you know I'm pretty good about making my job fun, no matter the task. I'm always trying to stay positive, motivate and support the rest of my team, and go above and beyond the call of whatever position I hold. I've worked with, and trained, many different personality types. Chatty Kathys, stress baskets, competitors, downers; you name it. And I normally keep my frustration to a minimum. BUT. If there is one thing I canNOT stand, it's someone who genuinely does not give ONE POOP about the work, their co-workers, and the customers. The type of person who barely does the minimum requirements at hand, and makes it difficult for you to do your OWN job.

I obviously am referring to a personal issue, but as I sit here and think about what to write, I realize that it's not even worth my time to put this person on blast. So, I'm going to change the tone a bit...

I greatly dislike money, but we need it to survive.
Sure, I like to work, though probably wouldn't do it (as much) if I didn't have to, but I need to.
We all do.
So why does work have to be so miserable? Why do we need to hate our jobs? Generally, because people are miserable, and misery loves company. I, on the otherhand, try to make my work environment as fun and stress-free as humanly possible. For one, my employers are paying my way, and they at least deserve my hard work in return. Plus, I work in customer service, so a good attitude and cheery personality are incredibly important to not only my employers and their company, but to the customers and, well, my wallet. I earn tips, after all! Based on my performance!

So, I sing, I dance around, I make stupid jokes, I give customers a hard time, and I genuinely care about the people around me. I do my very best to keep everyone happy, and I love to do it! I've even received compliments about it, and I take a lot of pride in my work and the image I reflect. However, not everyone is like this. And I get it- to many people, 'It's just a job'... Just a job?! It's how you make your living! It's how you survive! It's how your employer's business survives! It's a way of life; a community effort to sustain a decent living experience for anyone involved. So why make it any harder than it already is?? Take some pride in your work! Earn the respect of others by giving them a reason to respect you! And if your job is sooo miserable, find a different one! Or change your perspective! I understand fully the difficulty of finding a job these days, so if you absolutely MUST stay, then change your attitude!

A bit of a repeat from my previous blog, A New Beginning, is the statement that was shoved down my throat for many years: Life is all about choices. You can wake up and choose to be miserable, or you can choose to be happy. Either way, it's YOUR CHOICE. Letting people get the best of you is one obstacle, but flat out not giving one crap about your actions and your attitude is bull honkey. Yes, that's right, BULL HONKEY. It was one thing to deal with it in Corporate America, but now I work for a very amazing, very hard-working family whom I love dearly, and I'm JUST. NOT. HAVING IT ANYMORE. People like this not only make the job harder for those around them, but can they honestly say they like being this way? That they like being a big sour-puss, doesn't give a crap, total downer type of person? I highly doubt it. So, if you're one of these people, think about it this way: You can continue down this path of shoddy work, a negative attitude, and counting down the minutes until you go home to chug a beer, ORRR, you can wake up tomorrow and realize that life would be a lot easier if you just put in a little effort. Smile, communicate, accept mistakes made, LEARN from them, grow, live, love. You'll be doing us all a great favor if you come in to work with a positive attitude and team-effort mindset. I assure you, you'll be doing yourself a big favor, too. The day will run smoother, the time will fly faster, and the days you work won't be the days you wish were over.

They may, in fact, become some of the best days of your life.

Get Ready, 'Cause Here I Come!

Holy Bloggin' Moly! I'm BACK!!!

A whole new world, a whole new blog, a whole new ME. This blog is incredibly important to me for many reasons. Please, let me explain...

For those of you who followed my blog last year, you saw me go through some serious heartache concerning a pretty amazing guy who just didn't feel the same way as I did. What you may not know is that he is the whole damn reason I even started to blog again! (Again? Say whaaat?). You see, I had started a blog many years ago, but only posted two entries. In the midst of falling quite hard for this fella', I began a new blog because he began a blog. What I didn't realize is how quickly it would take off, and how much I would love it! Now, here I am again, but this time- it's for ME. I waited and waited and waited until the right moment to purchase a new computer (a laptop, at that! What a joy after using a bulky desktop for so many years!). Now, I'm beginning this blog on a very special day.

Exactly 1 year ago, I moved into my very first apartment allll to myself! Many of you know this apartment as my "dream apartment", and it continues to hold true to its title as I live my little life in pure bliss, even all alone. Well, except for Buster, of course =) Being alone has its ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm still making changes to my place, but the changes I have made only add to the beauty that is... MY place. Just mine. Just me.

Yes, it's just me... another special detail engraved in this new adventure. Years ago, I wrote a song titled "It's Just Me", partially about my father, but mostly about taking life for all it's got, all on my own. The chorus says:

'It's just me, ready to follow my dreams.
It's just me, to make everything and it seems-
that it's just me, but it's really just me and the world.
So, ready or not world, here I come.'

It's been about 10 years since I wrote that song, but it constantly pops up in my thoughts, acting as a driving force for the strength and positive outlook I hold dear to my heart. Everything I've achieved over the last couple of years has been accomplished because I worked my big ol' butt off to get it! I'm thrilled to begin writing about my adventures again, whether or not anyone reads it. Just as my first blog wasn't meant to draw in readers, this one will live on because it makes me happy to breathe life into it... I guess it's a good thing I know CPR! Now, if I could just figure out how to use that on a guy...