I've never struggled so much to write a goodbye letter in my entire life... Actually, I don't think I've ever really written one. It was time, though, as the sun has set on a 15-year friendship that was doomed to end... long ago...
You can only take so much from someone. You can only open your heart so many times, only to have it shattered before you. You can only put effort into something for so long, before your own peace and happiness becomes victimized. I've worked extremely hard to acquire a better sense of what's around me, and what I deserve. Because of this, I took notice of someone who is no longer good for me, and hasn't been in quite some time. And I ended the fight. The constant struggle. The battle for respect and understanding. It's over.
I'm sad... I am... I love this person very much, and only want the best for them. However, I also feel a huge weight lifted, and breathe a sigh of relief. I almost feel bad for feeling that way... but it's the truth. I also know that there may be repercussions for this action I've taken. I may, in fact, lose other friends, too. But you know what? I'm tired. Tired of not being appreciated for the person I am today. Tired of being accused of things I have never done, and wouldn't even think to do. Tired of negative energy creating shadows in the light I now have in my life. So if I lose other people in my life because of this decision, so be it. To me, that only means more room for better people.
I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be. I don't live as if I am. I only want to be loved and appreciated for the person I am. I've done a lot of soul-searching over the last few years, and I'm really proud of the results. I'm still soul-searching. Still trying to be better. However, the steps I've taken and the perspective I've gained have led me to a path of happiness. Happiness with myself, my life, and those I've surrounded myself with. I don't have a lot externally, but internally I glow and my heart beats loud. I want only the best for everyone I encounter. I love with every breath. I smile with every step. I strive to inspire. I live to love. I do my best with what I've got, taking note of where I could improve, and always staying humble.
Most importantly, I do not want to live with regrets. I took this step with this friendship very seriously. I didn't do it in the moment. I didn't do it out of anger. I did it because it was time to move forward. I did it because not ending it would have resulted in regret. And if you know whom I speak of, which some of you may, do me a favor. Take care of her. Love her. My time with her may be through, but my love for her will never die. I will continue to pray for her, and send her positive energy in any way that I can. Respect my decision, and that it was not done to hurt or harm. It was done to prevent it.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Taxicab Confessions
It has been quite the week for me! A few bad days, a few great ones... but all in all, never as bad as it could be. I always keep that in mind. What's been going on this week, you ask? Ohhh, so. much.
More work than I usually work, more drama than I care to discuss, more alone time (with my bestie in San Francisco for a week), and more LA adventures. One such adventure is a terrible habit I've built... taxis. With as much as I work, and as often as I wake up very early with little sleep, I've been taking taxis here and there to work. Not every day, but enough to where it's a problem. I know this. However- it's the ONLY thing I ever splurge on... be that as it may, it's an expensive splurge! At $25 a pop, I'm aware I need to stop. I'm glad today was not that day, though, because I made a new friend, and every new friend is a new connection to a new perspective in life.
After work today, I decided to hit up Target for some light shopping. As I was leaving, I knew I wanted to take a taxi home, with a couple of bags in hand and Friday night traffic afoot. Or... acar? Anyways, I was going to smoke a cigarette while I called for a cab, but I noticed one waiting by the curb, lights on, from the company I normally call. I thought, "Smoking can wait!" and inquired if he was available for a lift. He took the job, and I hopped in. As we began our drive home, he mentioned he was about to smoke a cigarette and relax, until I approached him. We both soon discovered a win-win! As we lit up together, we began chatting...
Things I learned about my new friend, Suren:
He is 57. Smoker for 40 years. Divorced for 15. All of his family lives in Armenia, including his daughter, who has a child of her own. (He says to me, "I'm a grandfather already! I can't believe it... 15 years ago, I come here and she is child... now, she has child! Oh my...") He also speaks Russian, and tells me about being in the army ("...and now I am taxicab driver. I can't believe it...") After we smoke, he offers me "good chocolate for after smoking", and hands me a cough drop. HA! May I just mention I do this sometimes, too??? He lives in Hollywood, in a 1-bedroom apartment with a balcony, and thinks I should do the same. He also thinks I should own a car, and offered to drive me to a dealership in Glendale, which I politely declined, stating a car was not at the top of my priority list. ("But in America, you must have car! Or you cannot go anywhere! Pretty girl like you, riding bus...") At one point, I ask him why he doesn't go to Armenia and visit his daughter, whom he has not seen in many, many years. His reply? "12 hours on plane and no smoking?! I cannot do it! I am sick in head, cannot do it..." I love this man, and his honesty.
At the end of our trip, he gives me his card and tells me to call him when I need a ride, so he can give me a discount. "I want to help you! Do not be afraid to call me, I like these smoking women! You call me." And I will. He is very sweet, very honest, and very sincere. He won't bullshit you. He is obviously lonely. And I feel a kinship with him. I think life is all about connecting with people, and being open to do so. I feel we would have many fun talks, and I don't plan on missing them. I'm breaking this frivolous habit of taxi rides, but every once in a while, I will call him. It's worth it. Through the hardships of this week, and even the highs, he made my day. He made me love LA again, if only for the random connections with people I wouldn't meet anywhere else. And, most importantly, he inspired me to write tonight... that, in itself, is worth my time. Very much so. I am drawn to people who inspire me, and in his own subtle way, he did just that. If I can, at the least, bring some joy and light into his mediocre day, then I am succeeding as a human being. This isn't the first, second, or even 30th time I've encountered someone who normally would be overlooked, and decided to connect. And it certainly won't be the last. We should all be open and caring to every human being, because everyone is, just that. Human. A being. Someone who loves, and yearns to be loved. Open your heart... you never know who you'll discover. <3 ... and what discounts you'll acquire! ;)
More work than I usually work, more drama than I care to discuss, more alone time (with my bestie in San Francisco for a week), and more LA adventures. One such adventure is a terrible habit I've built... taxis. With as much as I work, and as often as I wake up very early with little sleep, I've been taking taxis here and there to work. Not every day, but enough to where it's a problem. I know this. However- it's the ONLY thing I ever splurge on... be that as it may, it's an expensive splurge! At $25 a pop, I'm aware I need to stop. I'm glad today was not that day, though, because I made a new friend, and every new friend is a new connection to a new perspective in life.
After work today, I decided to hit up Target for some light shopping. As I was leaving, I knew I wanted to take a taxi home, with a couple of bags in hand and Friday night traffic afoot. Or... acar? Anyways, I was going to smoke a cigarette while I called for a cab, but I noticed one waiting by the curb, lights on, from the company I normally call. I thought, "Smoking can wait!" and inquired if he was available for a lift. He took the job, and I hopped in. As we began our drive home, he mentioned he was about to smoke a cigarette and relax, until I approached him. We both soon discovered a win-win! As we lit up together, we began chatting...
Things I learned about my new friend, Suren:
He is 57. Smoker for 40 years. Divorced for 15. All of his family lives in Armenia, including his daughter, who has a child of her own. (He says to me, "I'm a grandfather already! I can't believe it... 15 years ago, I come here and she is child... now, she has child! Oh my...") He also speaks Russian, and tells me about being in the army ("...and now I am taxicab driver. I can't believe it...") After we smoke, he offers me "good chocolate for after smoking", and hands me a cough drop. HA! May I just mention I do this sometimes, too??? He lives in Hollywood, in a 1-bedroom apartment with a balcony, and thinks I should do the same. He also thinks I should own a car, and offered to drive me to a dealership in Glendale, which I politely declined, stating a car was not at the top of my priority list. ("But in America, you must have car! Or you cannot go anywhere! Pretty girl like you, riding bus...") At one point, I ask him why he doesn't go to Armenia and visit his daughter, whom he has not seen in many, many years. His reply? "12 hours on plane and no smoking?! I cannot do it! I am sick in head, cannot do it..." I love this man, and his honesty.
At the end of our trip, he gives me his card and tells me to call him when I need a ride, so he can give me a discount. "I want to help you! Do not be afraid to call me, I like these smoking women! You call me." And I will. He is very sweet, very honest, and very sincere. He won't bullshit you. He is obviously lonely. And I feel a kinship with him. I think life is all about connecting with people, and being open to do so. I feel we would have many fun talks, and I don't plan on missing them. I'm breaking this frivolous habit of taxi rides, but every once in a while, I will call him. It's worth it. Through the hardships of this week, and even the highs, he made my day. He made me love LA again, if only for the random connections with people I wouldn't meet anywhere else. And, most importantly, he inspired me to write tonight... that, in itself, is worth my time. Very much so. I am drawn to people who inspire me, and in his own subtle way, he did just that. If I can, at the least, bring some joy and light into his mediocre day, then I am succeeding as a human being. This isn't the first, second, or even 30th time I've encountered someone who normally would be overlooked, and decided to connect. And it certainly won't be the last. We should all be open and caring to every human being, because everyone is, just that. Human. A being. Someone who loves, and yearns to be loved. Open your heart... you never know who you'll discover. <3 ... and what discounts you'll acquire! ;)
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Fussy Hussy
As of late, I've been making a big fuss over the silliest little things... which is not really like me. I used to have this problem, but I've learned over the years to let the little things go and focus on what's really important. However, having gone through some emotional turmoil lately, my mind and heart have decided to revert back to old ways. So, for the sake of my emotional stability, I'm going to release these unnecessary feelings via good ol' bloggin'!
One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that someone does not feel the same about you as you feel about them. This could be with a lover, a friend, a family member- anyone really! I've dealt with this feeling quite often during the span of my lifetime, but every time it hits, it's just as difficult to accept. I love whole-heartedly, which can be a blessing or a burden. I like to think of it as a constant blessing... why would I want to be anything else than who I am? I don't. I really don't. I like me. I love me. Whole-heartedly.
Nevertheless, I felt this feeling last night, and it stuck with me through my dreams, manifesting into a nightmare. Now, I've awoken with the same pit-in-your-stomach ache, and need to find release from this burdening beast. You see, I don't have many people I call 'close friends'... I have a whole harem of acquaintances, a handful of people I consider close friends, and 1 person I can talk to every day, about everything. Many of these 'category close friends' are people who do not live in sunny Los Angeles. And though they are far away, I think about them daily. I miss them daily. I love them daily. Last night, through a series of 'shouldn't-mean-a-thing' events, I felt less than that to a couple of said friends. And it hurt. Deep down inside, it tore at my heart. I know this is silly, I know they care, but be that as it may, I still felt an overwhelming feeling of sorrow.
Yet, even as I'm writing this, I'm already feeling a bit better. This is so silly! Have I said silly yet? I keep repeating it, because it is! And I need to remember that... I need to let go. The one thing in life we have absolutely NO CONTROL over is other people's feelings and emotions. They don't even have control over that. Emotions are emotions. They are what they are. And on the same wavelength, I cannot control my own. All I can do is change my perspective and move forward. Plus, who am I to say how someone feels? You never know what's really in someone's heart... it's not always said out loud. It's not always shown. People generally take what they receive, interpret it in their own way, and generate results from their own perspective. If you really need to know how someone feels, ask them. Communicate. We could all use a little honesty in our lives. Hell, we could all use a LOT of honesty! Hoooonesty, is hardly ever heeeard! Golly, I love Billy Joel.
Unrequited feelings, in every sense of the word... s, are probably the greatest cause of heartache. I've experienced these feelings from my father, from guys, from friends... and every time it happens, there is no lesson to be learned. No great philosophy to be discovered. Only time and healing can set you free, with a bigger, stronger heart. What I can take from all of these experiences is the knowledge to focus on those that matter. And the courage to keep loving whole-heartedly. It's who I am. Whether I'm someone you used to be close with, an acquaintance from childhood, a best friend forever, an ex-lover, a girl you sometimes text, a daughter you can't forget, a co-worker, an occasional shoulder, whatever it may be... I love you. And always will. If I can give anything to the world, it's my unconditional love. Most importantly, I give it to myself. Everything and everyone deserves love, so do your part and spread the heart! <3
One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that someone does not feel the same about you as you feel about them. This could be with a lover, a friend, a family member- anyone really! I've dealt with this feeling quite often during the span of my lifetime, but every time it hits, it's just as difficult to accept. I love whole-heartedly, which can be a blessing or a burden. I like to think of it as a constant blessing... why would I want to be anything else than who I am? I don't. I really don't. I like me. I love me. Whole-heartedly.
Nevertheless, I felt this feeling last night, and it stuck with me through my dreams, manifesting into a nightmare. Now, I've awoken with the same pit-in-your-stomach ache, and need to find release from this burdening beast. You see, I don't have many people I call 'close friends'... I have a whole harem of acquaintances, a handful of people I consider close friends, and 1 person I can talk to every day, about everything. Many of these 'category close friends' are people who do not live in sunny Los Angeles. And though they are far away, I think about them daily. I miss them daily. I love them daily. Last night, through a series of 'shouldn't-mean-a-thing' events, I felt less than that to a couple of said friends. And it hurt. Deep down inside, it tore at my heart. I know this is silly, I know they care, but be that as it may, I still felt an overwhelming feeling of sorrow.
Yet, even as I'm writing this, I'm already feeling a bit better. This is so silly! Have I said silly yet? I keep repeating it, because it is! And I need to remember that... I need to let go. The one thing in life we have absolutely NO CONTROL over is other people's feelings and emotions. They don't even have control over that. Emotions are emotions. They are what they are. And on the same wavelength, I cannot control my own. All I can do is change my perspective and move forward. Plus, who am I to say how someone feels? You never know what's really in someone's heart... it's not always said out loud. It's not always shown. People generally take what they receive, interpret it in their own way, and generate results from their own perspective. If you really need to know how someone feels, ask them. Communicate. We could all use a little honesty in our lives. Hell, we could all use a LOT of honesty! Hoooonesty, is hardly ever heeeard! Golly, I love Billy Joel.
Unrequited feelings, in every sense of the word... s, are probably the greatest cause of heartache. I've experienced these feelings from my father, from guys, from friends... and every time it happens, there is no lesson to be learned. No great philosophy to be discovered. Only time and healing can set you free, with a bigger, stronger heart. What I can take from all of these experiences is the knowledge to focus on those that matter. And the courage to keep loving whole-heartedly. It's who I am. Whether I'm someone you used to be close with, an acquaintance from childhood, a best friend forever, an ex-lover, a girl you sometimes text, a daughter you can't forget, a co-worker, an occasional shoulder, whatever it may be... I love you. And always will. If I can give anything to the world, it's my unconditional love. Most importantly, I give it to myself. Everything and everyone deserves love, so do your part and spread the heart! <3
Monday, September 17, 2012
Reunited, And It Feels...
Hold up, wait a minute! Put a little passion in it...
Oosh, Ahh, Oosh, Ahh...
So, that just happened. And yes, while typing it, I chanted it out loud... with motions... at least I can make myself laugh!
Moving along... as we all know, I've been going through some emotional battles and trying to find peace in my own little world. I'm hitting some brick walls, but sledgehammer in hand, knocking them down. And it feeeels soooo good! I'm starting to write every day again, be it a blog, a song, a random note... anything. And as opposed to my history of writing, it's not happening because I'm depressed or longing... I'm finally learning to tap into this creative expression of mine through happiness and joy. Discovery and learning. Experience and growing. In positive ways. Oh, inspiration! We certainly travel many different roads, don't we?
I began writing a song this morning called "Love in a New Light", obviously inspired by my previous post and its topic of discussion. It's a beautiful thing when simply meeting new people can inspire and open up hidden facets of your soul. Places in your heart you didn't know existed, yet shine so bright once revealed. Though still burdened by conflict in my life, I'm pushing through boundaries in my heart, and coming out the other side with new perspective. I've lost the ability to be happy alone, but little by little, rediscovering the tools needed to do so. I constantly find myself thinking, 'I just want to be in love'... what I failed to realize was with whom I needed to find said love! Yours Truly <3
You see, my days are all the same.
Wake up.
Coffee.
Nicotine.
Bus adventures.
Work.
More bus adventures.
Sleep.
Repeat.
And in the midst of busy beeing, one day off to simply do, well, nothing. My one day to relax and have no cares, no worries. How do I normally spend these once-a-week days?
Wake up.
Coffee.
Nicotine.
Facebook.
Nicotine.
Snuggle with Buster.
Nicotine.
Facebook.
Nicotine.
YouTube.
Nicotine.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Not exactly what I had in mind for my daily living. I want so much more, yet I allow myself to fall into routines of just getting by. You know that saying, "I want to thrive, not just survive"? Well, I'm just surviving. Which is great, when you think of all of those who can barely do that, however that's not in my plan. I know it, you know it, and whomever or whatever you believe is watching from above, is shaking his/her/its head, saying "I know it!". So. We're all in agreement then? Good.
Writing is my therapy for many reasons, but one very important reason is that it inspires me in my tangible life. Waking up this morning, reading through some fascinating writing, browsing through pictures, then picking up my guitar and beginning a new song- I feel refreshed. I feel like the day is mine for the taking, and being my one day off, I plan to take it to its limits! I want and need to clean my apartment, bathe my dog, exercise, meditate, and do some arts & crafts. Want and need because these activities will make me happy today. That is my ultimate goal, yes? Yes. SO- here's to a new day, where anything is possible. Here's to recognizing what makes you happy, and taking action. Here's to opening your heart, and filling its cup. Here's to passion, and its power over pain. Here's to me... and what I'm capable of. *Anything*
Oosh, Ahh, Oosh, Ahh...
So, that just happened. And yes, while typing it, I chanted it out loud... with motions... at least I can make myself laugh!
Moving along... as we all know, I've been going through some emotional battles and trying to find peace in my own little world. I'm hitting some brick walls, but sledgehammer in hand, knocking them down. And it feeeels soooo good! I'm starting to write every day again, be it a blog, a song, a random note... anything. And as opposed to my history of writing, it's not happening because I'm depressed or longing... I'm finally learning to tap into this creative expression of mine through happiness and joy. Discovery and learning. Experience and growing. In positive ways. Oh, inspiration! We certainly travel many different roads, don't we?
I began writing a song this morning called "Love in a New Light", obviously inspired by my previous post and its topic of discussion. It's a beautiful thing when simply meeting new people can inspire and open up hidden facets of your soul. Places in your heart you didn't know existed, yet shine so bright once revealed. Though still burdened by conflict in my life, I'm pushing through boundaries in my heart, and coming out the other side with new perspective. I've lost the ability to be happy alone, but little by little, rediscovering the tools needed to do so. I constantly find myself thinking, 'I just want to be in love'... what I failed to realize was with whom I needed to find said love! Yours Truly <3
You see, my days are all the same.
Wake up.
Coffee.
Nicotine.
Bus adventures.
Work.
More bus adventures.
Sleep.
Repeat.
And in the midst of busy beeing, one day off to simply do, well, nothing. My one day to relax and have no cares, no worries. How do I normally spend these once-a-week days?
Wake up.
Coffee.
Nicotine.
Facebook.
Nicotine.
Snuggle with Buster.
Nicotine.
Facebook.
Nicotine.
YouTube.
Nicotine.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Not exactly what I had in mind for my daily living. I want so much more, yet I allow myself to fall into routines of just getting by. You know that saying, "I want to thrive, not just survive"? Well, I'm just surviving. Which is great, when you think of all of those who can barely do that, however that's not in my plan. I know it, you know it, and whomever or whatever you believe is watching from above, is shaking his/her/its head, saying "I know it!". So. We're all in agreement then? Good.
Writing is my therapy for many reasons, but one very important reason is that it inspires me in my tangible life. Waking up this morning, reading through some fascinating writing, browsing through pictures, then picking up my guitar and beginning a new song- I feel refreshed. I feel like the day is mine for the taking, and being my one day off, I plan to take it to its limits! I want and need to clean my apartment, bathe my dog, exercise, meditate, and do some arts & crafts. Want and need because these activities will make me happy today. That is my ultimate goal, yes? Yes. SO- here's to a new day, where anything is possible. Here's to recognizing what makes you happy, and taking action. Here's to opening your heart, and filling its cup. Here's to passion, and its power over pain. Here's to me... and what I'm capable of. *Anything*
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Love In A New Light
The universe is so beautiful, so inspiring, and so receptive... I have been struggling internally to regain a feeling of self-worth for quite a while now. To be honest, I even began to wonder what the point was... Why am I alive? Why am I worth anything to the world? To anyone? To myself? It frightened me... and fearful of the end result of such feelings, I began to delve deeper, shoveling the surface dirt to the side, uncovering the true core issue within myself. A treasure chest, not so glistening and alluring, but dark and dreary, filled with insecurities, despair, a loss of faith in myself... of hope in humanity and the world I live in...
Then, last night, I broke through. Epiphanied, if you will. I realized that I was holding myself back from so much beauty in the world... in people... and like a gentle parent, the universe rested a loving hand on my back, and whispered, "I hear you." Today, two beautiful, inspiring ladies entered my life and changed me forever. In ONE. DAY. One, a customer I have encountered on a few occasions, always bringing joy and light into my day. The other, her amazing, young friend, joining her for lunch and expanding the light already shining so bright from the first. Through casual conversation, we discovered our love for writing, blogging, and love in every sense of the word. We exchanged blog information, promising to support each other in our art.
I have now browsed through both of their blogs, and am forever touched by their amazing perspective on life, their unconditional love for the world and the people within it, and their undying love for their art: inspiring the world. Through photos, poetry, recipes, quotes, life experiences, you name it... they are touching the world with their light, limiting the darkness I have viewed for some time now. I chatted momentarily on facebook with one of these ladies, discussing our writing styles, sharing some posts... and she said something to me that I did not understand at first, but thinking about it, it makes so much sense. She said, "...remember, there is so much room for art, take it seriously..." This could mean many different things to many different people, but to me, it reminded me that art is a responsibility. It is to be shared, inspiring those around us, inspiring ourselves... and certainly not to be taken lightly. We are all one, all in this together, and it is truly important how we leave our mark on the world. I, for one, am all about interaction; I love people and being around them... different walks of life make life beautiful. We all contribute to the bigger picture, and how we contribute is our own responsibility.
I do write for myself, but I publicize it. Why? Do I secretly hope no one will read it, and it can just live on in my own mind and memory? Of course not. I share it because I want to share my feelings, thoughts, and perspective with the world, or whoever the heck reads this thing. Because of this, I have a duty to create something meaningful, not just for myself... but for those who read it. Yes, writing is my therapy, always will be, and never fails for me... but if I can touch someone's life, even for a moment, and enrich their inner being, then I have truly succeeded. As a writer; as an artist; as a person. In only a matter of minutes, both of these ladies did just that for me by sharing their art and their passion. I am so inspired by the both of them, I feel like a different person. I feel like a brand new me, with new perspective and new appreciation. My eyes are open, my ears are perked, and my heart is beating with the warmth I feel from both of them...
How truly magnificent a feeling it is... becoming aware of a need for change in myself; recognizing walls and knocking them down; and voila! Instant gratification. I open my heart and mind to someone new, and my whole world is changed for the better. I cannot wait to continue reading through their posts, and I hope you do the same. We should all see the world as these ladies do... with love, acceptance, kindness. I feel like two angels just entered my world, wrapping me in their tender wings, guiding me along a path to a better kind of love. Not only for myself, but for everything. I am genuinely excited for a new day, for every new day, brings new possibilities. Today, a new me became possible. A start of a new relationship with myself and the world. Today, I love whole-heartedly. Everything. <3
www.arosewithoutthorns.blogspot.com
www.blossomingrose2012.blogspot.com
www.alyalley.tumblr.com
Then, last night, I broke through. Epiphanied, if you will. I realized that I was holding myself back from so much beauty in the world... in people... and like a gentle parent, the universe rested a loving hand on my back, and whispered, "I hear you." Today, two beautiful, inspiring ladies entered my life and changed me forever. In ONE. DAY. One, a customer I have encountered on a few occasions, always bringing joy and light into my day. The other, her amazing, young friend, joining her for lunch and expanding the light already shining so bright from the first. Through casual conversation, we discovered our love for writing, blogging, and love in every sense of the word. We exchanged blog information, promising to support each other in our art.
I have now browsed through both of their blogs, and am forever touched by their amazing perspective on life, their unconditional love for the world and the people within it, and their undying love for their art: inspiring the world. Through photos, poetry, recipes, quotes, life experiences, you name it... they are touching the world with their light, limiting the darkness I have viewed for some time now. I chatted momentarily on facebook with one of these ladies, discussing our writing styles, sharing some posts... and she said something to me that I did not understand at first, but thinking about it, it makes so much sense. She said, "...remember, there is so much room for art, take it seriously..." This could mean many different things to many different people, but to me, it reminded me that art is a responsibility. It is to be shared, inspiring those around us, inspiring ourselves... and certainly not to be taken lightly. We are all one, all in this together, and it is truly important how we leave our mark on the world. I, for one, am all about interaction; I love people and being around them... different walks of life make life beautiful. We all contribute to the bigger picture, and how we contribute is our own responsibility.
I do write for myself, but I publicize it. Why? Do I secretly hope no one will read it, and it can just live on in my own mind and memory? Of course not. I share it because I want to share my feelings, thoughts, and perspective with the world, or whoever the heck reads this thing. Because of this, I have a duty to create something meaningful, not just for myself... but for those who read it. Yes, writing is my therapy, always will be, and never fails for me... but if I can touch someone's life, even for a moment, and enrich their inner being, then I have truly succeeded. As a writer; as an artist; as a person. In only a matter of minutes, both of these ladies did just that for me by sharing their art and their passion. I am so inspired by the both of them, I feel like a different person. I feel like a brand new me, with new perspective and new appreciation. My eyes are open, my ears are perked, and my heart is beating with the warmth I feel from both of them...
How truly magnificent a feeling it is... becoming aware of a need for change in myself; recognizing walls and knocking them down; and voila! Instant gratification. I open my heart and mind to someone new, and my whole world is changed for the better. I cannot wait to continue reading through their posts, and I hope you do the same. We should all see the world as these ladies do... with love, acceptance, kindness. I feel like two angels just entered my world, wrapping me in their tender wings, guiding me along a path to a better kind of love. Not only for myself, but for everything. I am genuinely excited for a new day, for every new day, brings new possibilities. Today, a new me became possible. A start of a new relationship with myself and the world. Today, I love whole-heartedly. Everything. <3
www.arosewithoutthorns.blogspot.com
www.blossomingrose2012.blogspot.com
www.alyalley.tumblr.com
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
I'VE GOT THE POWER!
Sooo... I was pretty pathetic last night, si? Si. So. Let's try something different! How about I don't wallow in my own self-pity and actually do something about something? Yes? You like? Me. Too.
I am most definitely NOT at 100%, however I am feeling a little better, right now, in this moment. I'll take it! Ghost ride the whip! What.... the fruck does that mean?! Anyone? Anyways. (I'm terrible at *segues, hence the constant usage of 'anyways'.) So anyywayyys... let's get goin'! C'mon! You... you ready?
Aw shit, I got nothin'.
Seriously.
I have no idea where my life is headed... I really don't. Yet, as I sat down to write this blog, I got an overwhelming feeling... a sense... that I can do anything. It feels good... SO good... to feel that way. Figuring out what I need to do to find happiness is, yes, the hardest part; but feeling that I can do anything is amazing. I sometimes forget that I got where I am by doing what I truly wanted to do... and that hasn't changed. I can still do that! I still have control! Why did I think otherwise?
I don't know, but I do know that I need to figure it out. So. Where are we? I know I need to do something, but I don't know what it is? Awesome. Pro... gress... ? Sort of? I'm going to view it as progress, because I can use all the positivity I can get! I'm normally the source of said positivity, but I can't always rely on myself. I have to allow myself to open up to other people, and embrace their perspective, experience, and advice. I guess what triggered my new attitude was the fact that I did just that. I stayed after work today, and had a nice conversation with my boss (who is like a father to me). The simple act of having a discussion of responsibilities with someone who knows far more about it than me felt fullfilling. I already knew everything he said, but it was nice to hear it out loud. And from someone else! It reminded me of my own power. The power within me to accomplish anything my heart desires. ANYTHING!
So I'm done complaining. I've over wallowing. I'm past the pity party. I'm standing tall, and I'm keeping this damn smile on my face! I know my power, and it's time I put it to use. It's time to make a plan, and follow it. This is a short post, for the wind has caught my thoughts and I'm trailing off... off into the sunset... to sink below the horizon, reappearing with the dawn... the dawn of a new day. A new life. Fooooor me! And I'm feelin' GOOD =D
*Author's Note: I find this incredibly hilarious: So you should, too:
I had to dictionary.com 'segue', as I could not, for the life of me, feel comfortable not doing so; and choosing to spell it phonetically, I came upon this:
I am most definitely NOT at 100%, however I am feeling a little better, right now, in this moment. I'll take it! Ghost ride the whip! What.... the fruck does that mean?! Anyone? Anyways. (I'm terrible at *segues, hence the constant usage of 'anyways'.) So anyywayyys... let's get goin'! C'mon! You... you ready?
Aw shit, I got nothin'.
Seriously.
I have no idea where my life is headed... I really don't. Yet, as I sat down to write this blog, I got an overwhelming feeling... a sense... that I can do anything. It feels good... SO good... to feel that way. Figuring out what I need to do to find happiness is, yes, the hardest part; but feeling that I can do anything is amazing. I sometimes forget that I got where I am by doing what I truly wanted to do... and that hasn't changed. I can still do that! I still have control! Why did I think otherwise?
I don't know, but I do know that I need to figure it out. So. Where are we? I know I need to do something, but I don't know what it is? Awesome. Pro... gress... ? Sort of? I'm going to view it as progress, because I can use all the positivity I can get! I'm normally the source of said positivity, but I can't always rely on myself. I have to allow myself to open up to other people, and embrace their perspective, experience, and advice. I guess what triggered my new attitude was the fact that I did just that. I stayed after work today, and had a nice conversation with my boss (who is like a father to me). The simple act of having a discussion of responsibilities with someone who knows far more about it than me felt fullfilling. I already knew everything he said, but it was nice to hear it out loud. And from someone else! It reminded me of my own power. The power within me to accomplish anything my heart desires. ANYTHING!
So I'm done complaining. I've over wallowing. I'm past the pity party. I'm standing tall, and I'm keeping this damn smile on my face! I know my power, and it's time I put it to use. It's time to make a plan, and follow it. This is a short post, for the wind has caught my thoughts and I'm trailing off... off into the sunset... to sink below the horizon, reappearing with the dawn... the dawn of a new day. A new life. Fooooor me! And I'm feelin' GOOD =D
*Author's Note: I find this incredibly hilarious: So you should, too:
I had to dictionary.com 'segue', as I could not, for the life of me, feel comfortable not doing so; and choosing to spell it phonetically, I came upon this:
seg·way
[seg-wey]
verb, noun
a frequent misspelling of segue.
Well. That answers that question!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
All Byyy Myyyself...
Have I used this title before? In my last blog? I can't remember... okay, I have to go check...
......... Alright. We're good..... Don't. Judge. ME!
So, more thinking; more analyzing; more steps towards what's really going on inside of this emotional, effed-up girl. I feel alone; which can be perceived as silly, irrational, dramatic- whatever you want to call it; but it's how I feel.
It's not the first time I've come to this conclusion; an observation of what's really bothering me. I felt it, and said it out loud, recently... about a week ago. I also recall feeling this way around the same time, last year, and posting about it in my blog. So, this is, apparently, an annual emotional battle I go through.
However, this year is a little different... I'm realizing that as I've grown older, experienced heartbreak, recovered and moved forward, I've put up more and more walls, and didn't even notice. I've cut myself off from the world and the people within it, for fear I may feel that heartache, once again. I no longer allow just anybody in... I sit and wait. Wait for the moment I feel we truly connect, and then you're stuck! Stuck with my stories, feelings and desires. The right ones accept it, embrace it, and guide me through life in their own special way. The wrong ones, well...
The wrong ones reject it, and another wall goes up. BAM! Just like that. Am I missing out on some pretty incredible people, who could quite possibly light up my life in a way I never thought possible? Probably. Which is probably why I've been reaching out in small ways... reconnecting with dear friends on facebook... making new friends on facebook, even people I've never met... actuallyyyy... that's about it. Nothing tangible; all at a distance. Man, I really have some work to do!
The thing is- I'm picky. I used to let anyone in, and usually got hurt in the end. I'm quite the complicated chick... and though I can be great at being there for others, it's tough for someone to be there for me. For one, I'm the advice-giver! If someone has a problem or internal confliction, I can't help but put in my two cents in the hopes that I may help someone feel better! Yet, if I have a problem, I'm absolutely TERRIBLE at taking advice! Normally, I just want someone to listen... but people have trouble just listening. They want to intervene, advise, forewarn, and sometimes tell you what to do. How do I know this? I AM THAT WAY. Is that a good way to be? No... not really.
I have to step back and recognize that sometimes, that's what other people want, too. Someone to talk to; to listen; to lend a shoulder. Maybe if I become better at this, other people will reciprocate. But, the only way for that to happen, is for me to knock down some walls. I've learned to be a little less trusting of people, but it seems I've only travelled to the other extreme... NO ONE gets in. And even with this state of mind, I find myself trying to force people in, who don't want to be there. Then, I hear my own advice in my head: "Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't spend their time on you." And I ignore it. I know better than that...
*Sigh* Blah, blah, flippin' BLAH... I'm rambling... if you're reading this, my sincerest apologies. Writing is my therapy, my dearest friend, so this is more for me, and less for you. I'm trying to create waves in a glass of water, and that shit just keeps SPILLING OUT! I know I'm getting closer to a better me... and a better sense of being. It just takes time. I'm so all-over-the-place confused, that even my blogs make no sense. Did they ever??? Seems I had more readers last year... but again, It's Just Me. Even the theme of this blog is me being alone... sounds like I'm creating my own reality, then complaining about it. I'm. So. Done. Something needs to change quickly... this is not how I want to sound, and certainly not how I want to feel. I promise that my next blog will not be so pathetic. But, we're all allowed to feel this way, and I'm just another example. HOWEVER. I WILL prevail! I WILL break through! I WILL come out stronger! Besides, tomorrow's a new day... with new possibilities. Let's ALL take advantage, yeah? =)
......... Alright. We're good..... Don't. Judge. ME!
So, more thinking; more analyzing; more steps towards what's really going on inside of this emotional, effed-up girl. I feel alone; which can be perceived as silly, irrational, dramatic- whatever you want to call it; but it's how I feel.
It's not the first time I've come to this conclusion; an observation of what's really bothering me. I felt it, and said it out loud, recently... about a week ago. I also recall feeling this way around the same time, last year, and posting about it in my blog. So, this is, apparently, an annual emotional battle I go through.
However, this year is a little different... I'm realizing that as I've grown older, experienced heartbreak, recovered and moved forward, I've put up more and more walls, and didn't even notice. I've cut myself off from the world and the people within it, for fear I may feel that heartache, once again. I no longer allow just anybody in... I sit and wait. Wait for the moment I feel we truly connect, and then you're stuck! Stuck with my stories, feelings and desires. The right ones accept it, embrace it, and guide me through life in their own special way. The wrong ones, well...
The wrong ones reject it, and another wall goes up. BAM! Just like that. Am I missing out on some pretty incredible people, who could quite possibly light up my life in a way I never thought possible? Probably. Which is probably why I've been reaching out in small ways... reconnecting with dear friends on facebook... making new friends on facebook, even people I've never met... actuallyyyy... that's about it. Nothing tangible; all at a distance. Man, I really have some work to do!
The thing is- I'm picky. I used to let anyone in, and usually got hurt in the end. I'm quite the complicated chick... and though I can be great at being there for others, it's tough for someone to be there for me. For one, I'm the advice-giver! If someone has a problem or internal confliction, I can't help but put in my two cents in the hopes that I may help someone feel better! Yet, if I have a problem, I'm absolutely TERRIBLE at taking advice! Normally, I just want someone to listen... but people have trouble just listening. They want to intervene, advise, forewarn, and sometimes tell you what to do. How do I know this? I AM THAT WAY. Is that a good way to be? No... not really.
I have to step back and recognize that sometimes, that's what other people want, too. Someone to talk to; to listen; to lend a shoulder. Maybe if I become better at this, other people will reciprocate. But, the only way for that to happen, is for me to knock down some walls. I've learned to be a little less trusting of people, but it seems I've only travelled to the other extreme... NO ONE gets in. And even with this state of mind, I find myself trying to force people in, who don't want to be there. Then, I hear my own advice in my head: "Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't spend their time on you." And I ignore it. I know better than that...
*Sigh* Blah, blah, flippin' BLAH... I'm rambling... if you're reading this, my sincerest apologies. Writing is my therapy, my dearest friend, so this is more for me, and less for you. I'm trying to create waves in a glass of water, and that shit just keeps SPILLING OUT! I know I'm getting closer to a better me... and a better sense of being. It just takes time. I'm so all-over-the-place confused, that even my blogs make no sense. Did they ever??? Seems I had more readers last year... but again, It's Just Me. Even the theme of this blog is me being alone... sounds like I'm creating my own reality, then complaining about it. I'm. So. Done. Something needs to change quickly... this is not how I want to sound, and certainly not how I want to feel. I promise that my next blog will not be so pathetic. But, we're all allowed to feel this way, and I'm just another example. HOWEVER. I WILL prevail! I WILL break through! I WILL come out stronger! Besides, tomorrow's a new day... with new possibilities. Let's ALL take advantage, yeah? =)
Monday, September 10, 2012
24 Hours to Live
In light of recent... depression... I've been doing some heavy thinking about my life and what I want from it. Okay, yes, that's pretty standard for me, especially with my writing... but I'm yearning for a drastic change more than ever... and it stems mostly from a strong desire to relocate. To where, you ask? No. Effing. Clue.
Does anyone remember Mase? Or is it Ma$e? Yes, the rapper who teamed up with Poof Diddily, or whatever his name is now, and made, I believe, one album before retiring from the music industry. Yes, I own said album. Yes, that was hard to admit. Anyways... he had a song called "24 Hours To Live", the hook being "If you had 24 hours to live, just think- Where would you go? What would you do? Who would you screw?" Not exactly the deepest lyrics, but thought-provoking enough for it to pop into my head today. I started to ask myself these questions... I certainly know the answer to one of those questions! But where would I go and what would I do? I just don't know yet... but I aim to figure it out.
Life is incredibly unpredictable, so at the risk of sounding morbid, I started to wonder how I would live my life if I found out I had cancer. What would suddenly become important to me? How would I plan out the next few years or even months I had left? How would I prioritize what I want from the rest of my life? I found it difficult to answer, and that in itself, is depressing. Sure, most of us struggle to answer these same questions, and I am not diminishing what may be important to someone else. But, let's keep it real, this is about me. My blog; my gripes! And I am just not happy anymore. Something inside of me is screaming for release... release from the life I've been living and the actions I've been taking... or not taking.
Last night, I had a beer with my Sandi Bear, who is going through the same struggle within herself. We discussed what we would do if we could do, well, anything! Ya' know, no worries about money, time, etc... and I realized that I would travel. Get in a car, with only the items I truly need, and drive around the country, staying in random small towns, getting to know the people, the local spots... the community. Test drive these places, if you will, until I found one that filled my heart and soul with everything it's been aching for. 'Well now, hold on there, Shaneil! Didn't you just blog a while back about how every city has its flaws, and we should learn to embrace where we are as home???' Yes, well- I changed my mind. I'm a woman; I'm allowed.
I want to be surrounded by love. People who appreciate the world as I do, and prioritize their lives in a way that makes sense to me. Los Angeles is not that place. I'm getting so very tired of people-watching and feeling disgusted with the results. Walking around the city, only to find another needless building being built, another neighborhood tagged, more smog in the air, more trash on the ground, more people suffering, those not suffering endlessly complaining, so on, and soooo forth. Over it, I am.
My core problem? I have no idea where I want to go. So far, the only place that has presented itself as a possibility is San Francisco. I would know people there, basically be guaranteed a job, live close to my wonderful grandmother, and still be surrounded by music and people who appreciate said music. Do I really want to live there, though? No clue. I don't even know if I want to stay in California anymore... but I can't make a decision if I don't know what's out there. I'm seriously considering attempting my previously stated dream... to travel around, staying wherever for however long, and experiencing new surroundings. This would require me to continue to work hard, save up as much as possible, and map out a plan of attack. Hmm... could I do it? I can do anything I set my mind to, right? Maybe it's time for me to take notice of a little engine that could...
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
No, wait. I know I can!
'Wait, Shaneil! Who exactly WOULD you screw???' Perverts! ;)
Does anyone remember Mase? Or is it Ma$e? Yes, the rapper who teamed up with Poof Diddily, or whatever his name is now, and made, I believe, one album before retiring from the music industry. Yes, I own said album. Yes, that was hard to admit. Anyways... he had a song called "24 Hours To Live", the hook being "If you had 24 hours to live, just think- Where would you go? What would you do? Who would you screw?" Not exactly the deepest lyrics, but thought-provoking enough for it to pop into my head today. I started to ask myself these questions... I certainly know the answer to one of those questions! But where would I go and what would I do? I just don't know yet... but I aim to figure it out.
Life is incredibly unpredictable, so at the risk of sounding morbid, I started to wonder how I would live my life if I found out I had cancer. What would suddenly become important to me? How would I plan out the next few years or even months I had left? How would I prioritize what I want from the rest of my life? I found it difficult to answer, and that in itself, is depressing. Sure, most of us struggle to answer these same questions, and I am not diminishing what may be important to someone else. But, let's keep it real, this is about me. My blog; my gripes! And I am just not happy anymore. Something inside of me is screaming for release... release from the life I've been living and the actions I've been taking... or not taking.
Last night, I had a beer with my Sandi Bear, who is going through the same struggle within herself. We discussed what we would do if we could do, well, anything! Ya' know, no worries about money, time, etc... and I realized that I would travel. Get in a car, with only the items I truly need, and drive around the country, staying in random small towns, getting to know the people, the local spots... the community. Test drive these places, if you will, until I found one that filled my heart and soul with everything it's been aching for. 'Well now, hold on there, Shaneil! Didn't you just blog a while back about how every city has its flaws, and we should learn to embrace where we are as home???' Yes, well- I changed my mind. I'm a woman; I'm allowed.
I want to be surrounded by love. People who appreciate the world as I do, and prioritize their lives in a way that makes sense to me. Los Angeles is not that place. I'm getting so very tired of people-watching and feeling disgusted with the results. Walking around the city, only to find another needless building being built, another neighborhood tagged, more smog in the air, more trash on the ground, more people suffering, those not suffering endlessly complaining, so on, and soooo forth. Over it, I am.
My core problem? I have no idea where I want to go. So far, the only place that has presented itself as a possibility is San Francisco. I would know people there, basically be guaranteed a job, live close to my wonderful grandmother, and still be surrounded by music and people who appreciate said music. Do I really want to live there, though? No clue. I don't even know if I want to stay in California anymore... but I can't make a decision if I don't know what's out there. I'm seriously considering attempting my previously stated dream... to travel around, staying wherever for however long, and experiencing new surroundings. This would require me to continue to work hard, save up as much as possible, and map out a plan of attack. Hmm... could I do it? I can do anything I set my mind to, right? Maybe it's time for me to take notice of a little engine that could...
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
No, wait. I know I can!
'Wait, Shaneil! Who exactly WOULD you screw???' Perverts! ;)
Thursday, September 6, 2012
STOP! Hey... What's That Sound?
Well, hello there! Just doin' some writin'... join me, will you? Not... not in the writing. Just to read the writing... to listen... ? ...Hello?? ...IS ANYONE THERE??!!
So, I sat down tonight, and read through the blogs I've written so far this year... and I'm not exactly impressed. For one, I find them boring. Just... boring. For two, I seem to be self-deprecating a lot... hence my previous statement. What the hell is wrong with me??
Well, I'm smack-dab in the middle of a soul-searching session, which anyone who's been through it knows doesn't happen overnight. [Holy crap, did that make any sense?? Ha!] Point being, I feel like I'm floating around in a bubble, trapped in my own personal journey to a newer, hopefully better, me. I see the world around me, I hear my surroundings, but they're somewhat cloudy through the shell of said bubble. (Gosh, I love that use of the word 'said'. Have you noticed I use it a lot? It's just... fun. Is that weird? Nerdy, I guess? Anywaysss.....)
So. I'm in this bubble. FOCUS. And I'm in the world... but I'm not. Kinda' how I feel when I'm driving alone... and... I feel like I'm getting depressed. No. I know I'm getting depressed, if not already there. I've been re-he-heeeally emotional lately, though a surprise visit from Mother Nature confirmed my suspicions on saaaid emotions... =) ... yet, I feel like there's more to it than that. I can feel it... calling. In the air. Tonight. BUT. It's hard to answer the phone from inside a bubble! (And yes, I'm aware it's 'coming in the air tonight'... but that just wouldn't work for my metaphor, now would it!!) You see, if I answer the call, I burst my own bubble, leaving myself vunerable to the world and its ability to hit you where it hurts the most. But I feel a change coming in my life... and it is so incredibly important for me to pay attention to what's going on around me, guiding my life in the direction I know is best for me. This may include, but is not limited to: various forms of change, conquering obstacles, failures, and acceptance. Whiiich... may also include: pure joy, anxiety, strength I knew I had, strength I didn't know I had, weakness I knew... hell and didn't know... I had, and happiness I didn't know was possible.
Wait. Why do I hold myself back? I'm writing this, and reading it, and rereading it, and... yeah. I go back a LOT... and I'm realizing how silly I sound. For one, I'm suuuper tired! I work about 50 hours a week, and it is catching up with me! For another... I'm already so lost in myself, that I can't even see out anymore. I need to get over myself! And I mean that, not in a conceited kind of way, but in the sense that... I'm being pathetic. Yup. That's it. Pa-the-tic. I have so much potential, but I constantly dwell on thoughts of undeservingness... or some fancy word that means I suck. Plain and simple. My insecurities have shifted from appearance issues as a teen, to success issues as an adult. At my day job, I have confidence in myself. I know I'm good at what I do, and I fight for recognition of said ability. However, in everything else, be it music, relationships, friendships, what have you... I don't feel worthy of what I probably deserve. NAY! What I do deserve. So, I hold myself back... back from potentially amazing, new chapters in my life.
The funny thing? Today's post was originally started to talk about my writing style this year. It's different... I don't know if I like it. But I'm realizing... I'm just changing. I'm growing older, I'm experiencing new things, and I'm growing tired... tired of just floating through life in a protective bubble. Tired of talking about things, instead of doing them. So my writing is failing... because there's nothing really going on! And because I hear myself repeating myself, so I'm growing bored with my blog. I need... fresh air. I need to live... really live. Breathe life in, filling my lungs with its precious oxygen... feel inspiration... feel inspiiired... even whispering the word sounds like a sigh of relief. I can't just live my life in two places: home and work. I need to get out, see things, hear things, feel, smell, taste- you get the picture. And I'm pretty sure I need to get out of LA. Not today. Not tomorrow. But soon... I've thought about it a lot lately, and I always picture 1 year from now being my mark. I just don't think I can last longer than that. And it's not because I don't love LA, I do! But, I'm 27, I've never even been on a damn plane, and I'm starting to feel like the ground is glued to my feet. I need to spread my wings, and fly away. I may even try out different places... but I know, LA is not the end to my journey. There is so much more waiting for me out there... in the world. And I aim to experience all I can before its impending doom... because.... come on. We all know the planet is dying, and it ain't no Mayan Calendar telling us so! Don't even get me started... that's a whole 'nother blog! A long one... just telling you now ;) ... and I'll tell ya' what else... there's something happening here. What it is... it isn't exactly clear... and this man... he's over there with a gun! What the FUCK!
So, I sat down tonight, and read through the blogs I've written so far this year... and I'm not exactly impressed. For one, I find them boring. Just... boring. For two, I seem to be self-deprecating a lot... hence my previous statement. What the hell is wrong with me??
Well, I'm smack-dab in the middle of a soul-searching session, which anyone who's been through it knows doesn't happen overnight. [Holy crap, did that make any sense?? Ha!] Point being, I feel like I'm floating around in a bubble, trapped in my own personal journey to a newer, hopefully better, me. I see the world around me, I hear my surroundings, but they're somewhat cloudy through the shell of said bubble. (Gosh, I love that use of the word 'said'. Have you noticed I use it a lot? It's just... fun. Is that weird? Nerdy, I guess? Anywaysss.....)
So. I'm in this bubble. FOCUS. And I'm in the world... but I'm not. Kinda' how I feel when I'm driving alone... and... I feel like I'm getting depressed. No. I know I'm getting depressed, if not already there. I've been re-he-heeeally emotional lately, though a surprise visit from Mother Nature confirmed my suspicions on saaaid emotions... =) ... yet, I feel like there's more to it than that. I can feel it... calling. In the air. Tonight. BUT. It's hard to answer the phone from inside a bubble! (And yes, I'm aware it's 'coming in the air tonight'... but that just wouldn't work for my metaphor, now would it!!) You see, if I answer the call, I burst my own bubble, leaving myself vunerable to the world and its ability to hit you where it hurts the most. But I feel a change coming in my life... and it is so incredibly important for me to pay attention to what's going on around me, guiding my life in the direction I know is best for me. This may include, but is not limited to: various forms of change, conquering obstacles, failures, and acceptance. Whiiich... may also include: pure joy, anxiety, strength I knew I had, strength I didn't know I had, weakness I knew... hell and didn't know... I had, and happiness I didn't know was possible.
Wait. Why do I hold myself back? I'm writing this, and reading it, and rereading it, and... yeah. I go back a LOT... and I'm realizing how silly I sound. For one, I'm suuuper tired! I work about 50 hours a week, and it is catching up with me! For another... I'm already so lost in myself, that I can't even see out anymore. I need to get over myself! And I mean that, not in a conceited kind of way, but in the sense that... I'm being pathetic. Yup. That's it. Pa-the-tic. I have so much potential, but I constantly dwell on thoughts of undeservingness... or some fancy word that means I suck. Plain and simple. My insecurities have shifted from appearance issues as a teen, to success issues as an adult. At my day job, I have confidence in myself. I know I'm good at what I do, and I fight for recognition of said ability. However, in everything else, be it music, relationships, friendships, what have you... I don't feel worthy of what I probably deserve. NAY! What I do deserve. So, I hold myself back... back from potentially amazing, new chapters in my life.
The funny thing? Today's post was originally started to talk about my writing style this year. It's different... I don't know if I like it. But I'm realizing... I'm just changing. I'm growing older, I'm experiencing new things, and I'm growing tired... tired of just floating through life in a protective bubble. Tired of talking about things, instead of doing them. So my writing is failing... because there's nothing really going on! And because I hear myself repeating myself, so I'm growing bored with my blog. I need... fresh air. I need to live... really live. Breathe life in, filling my lungs with its precious oxygen... feel inspiration... feel inspiiired... even whispering the word sounds like a sigh of relief. I can't just live my life in two places: home and work. I need to get out, see things, hear things, feel, smell, taste- you get the picture. And I'm pretty sure I need to get out of LA. Not today. Not tomorrow. But soon... I've thought about it a lot lately, and I always picture 1 year from now being my mark. I just don't think I can last longer than that. And it's not because I don't love LA, I do! But, I'm 27, I've never even been on a damn plane, and I'm starting to feel like the ground is glued to my feet. I need to spread my wings, and fly away. I may even try out different places... but I know, LA is not the end to my journey. There is so much more waiting for me out there... in the world. And I aim to experience all I can before its impending doom... because.... come on. We all know the planet is dying, and it ain't no Mayan Calendar telling us so! Don't even get me started... that's a whole 'nother blog! A long one... just telling you now ;) ... and I'll tell ya' what else... there's something happening here. What it is... it isn't exactly clear... and this man... he's over there with a gun! What the FUCK!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Hands Down
So, I've been having these problems lately. Physical problems. I'm getting older, and as life would have it, experiencing new situations and new obstacles. One of them is my health... I've made some major changes to my diet that have proved successful, however I still have some work to do on my muscles and joints. Some work being a lot of work.
Some people know about my back problems; my neck problems; my teeth problems; my knee problems... some know it's a problem; some know it's miserable; some know it affects everything about my daily life. The knee problems have subsided greatly, though are coming up a bit more lately. The teeth problems are manageable with the right funds... which I am now starting to acquire (Hoorah!). The back and neck problems are those which require more attention. But I digress.
What I'm writing about today, are the new problems. Yippee! Have I said the word 'problem/s' enough yet? These new... ailments... are becoming quite bothersome. For the past week, I have slowly acquired severe aches in my right shoulder, elbow, and wrist. Now, many different reasons could add up as to why I feel this pain, but I'm not here to diagnosis anything. As I was sitting here, I noticed my wrist was quite sore, so I held my phone in my left hand (which was resting, as my right hand clicked away at a game), and laid my wrist down. It ached, it pulsed, it was tired. I realized, right then and there, that I was constantly using my hands all day! Constantly! Now, I'm sure this is true for most of us; but merely minutes beforehand, I had been playing a game on the laptop AND a game on my phone, simultaneously! Which, I quickly realized was a bit muuuch, and retired to just one game. Nevertheless- movement, motion, a constant interaction with something else.
It also brought to mind my smoking problem. Part of the addiction is having something in your hand, your mouth... (man, that is SO what she said!). A habitual business of a body part is half, sometimes most of the battle. It all makes sense! I simply cannot put my hands down! At work, I'm always doing something with my hands! And if it's slow, and there's little work to be done, you best believe they're flipping through the menu, or tapping along to a song, or fixing my clothing, anything! Anything... to keep moving. Even now, I'm on the damn computer... Well, hands, take a break! You've been workin' overtime at well below the pay rate. We have our future to think of, and our future, is in... our... oh, this is too cheesy!... hannnds =)
Some people know about my back problems; my neck problems; my teeth problems; my knee problems... some know it's a problem; some know it's miserable; some know it affects everything about my daily life. The knee problems have subsided greatly, though are coming up a bit more lately. The teeth problems are manageable with the right funds... which I am now starting to acquire (Hoorah!). The back and neck problems are those which require more attention. But I digress.
What I'm writing about today, are the new problems. Yippee! Have I said the word 'problem/s' enough yet? These new... ailments... are becoming quite bothersome. For the past week, I have slowly acquired severe aches in my right shoulder, elbow, and wrist. Now, many different reasons could add up as to why I feel this pain, but I'm not here to diagnosis anything. As I was sitting here, I noticed my wrist was quite sore, so I held my phone in my left hand (which was resting, as my right hand clicked away at a game), and laid my wrist down. It ached, it pulsed, it was tired. I realized, right then and there, that I was constantly using my hands all day! Constantly! Now, I'm sure this is true for most of us; but merely minutes beforehand, I had been playing a game on the laptop AND a game on my phone, simultaneously! Which, I quickly realized was a bit muuuch, and retired to just one game. Nevertheless- movement, motion, a constant interaction with something else.
It also brought to mind my smoking problem. Part of the addiction is having something in your hand, your mouth... (man, that is SO what she said!). A habitual business of a body part is half, sometimes most of the battle. It all makes sense! I simply cannot put my hands down! At work, I'm always doing something with my hands! And if it's slow, and there's little work to be done, you best believe they're flipping through the menu, or tapping along to a song, or fixing my clothing, anything! Anything... to keep moving. Even now, I'm on the damn computer... Well, hands, take a break! You've been workin' overtime at well below the pay rate. We have our future to think of, and our future, is in... our... oh, this is too cheesy!... hannnds =)
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