Thursday, October 25, 2012

A Change Gonna Come

I'm so lost right now. Really. I'm so tired of being an emotional rollercoaster inside... all while living my life in miserable silence... waiting. Waiting for what?

I. Have. No. Clue.

But something... a change. A drastic one. I'm incredibly unhappy in LA, and it all hit me at an increasing rate, just over the past few months. I find myself looking around in disgust, and being a people person, I don't like feeling that way. But it's not just the people, it's everything... although the overall mentality here is a huge factor, I'm also just tired of seeing more concrete being built, more people suffering, more media... more crap. Crap, crap, crap.

So. Obviously, getting out of LA is a goal! However, it shouldn't matter where I live, or what I do... it all comes down to how I feel inside. Finding happiness within ourselves is something I often speak about. Yet I'm struggling to find it within myself. Great- so I move and then what? I become tired of that city and move again? No, this takes more thought... more planning. So maybe not a drastic change... but the planning of one.

But besides all of that talk, I need to figure out what truly makes me happy... what I want from life. What my purpose is. For myself. For my heart and soul and ever present being. What am I doing? ..... that's the real question there. What am I doing? What am I trying to accomplish? What's my life goal? Well, to be happy, of course... but how? Doing what? Working as hard as I do and as often as I do is good for me right now, but I cannot do it for too long... I have no life. I have no fun. We've established this. My spirit is MUCH too free to be so captive to the work force! I need inspiration. I need... change.

This is definitely the beginning of a new plan. A "life" plan =) However, for the sake of not becoming overwhelmed, let's take it one step at a time, shall we? How about a.... 6 month plan? Yes? We all agree? Good, 'cause that's what I'm doing. Details to come soon, I'm sure... in the meantime, you'll be seeing a lot more of these bloggy blogs, as I am going through some shit! But it's good shit. It's another path in another story of another chapter of my life... and this time, It's Just Me. And the power to create my own happiness... is mine.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

I'm relaxed. I'm content. I'm... happy. And it's still kind of early for me! I feel good. And it feels sooo good to feel good. My mood has been very strange lately... still positive, still mostly happy, but a little dreamy... like I'm never really in the moment anymore. My mind has been wandering to the future, which is interesting, considering I've had more of a life in the past couple of weeks than the past more than a couple of months! What a mouthful! ............ I'll leave that one alone.

The point is, my mind has been stuck on my plans for the future, now that I have some, and I'm missing out on the happiness of the present. I think this past weekend really helped. I lived in the moment, more than a couple of times, and had some great moments. I had a lot of.... FUN! Fun... I've missed you. I never have fun anymore! What a drag! I literally just had this revelation! I never... ever... have fun. I mean, I love my job and I have fun there, but it's still work. It's still stressful. It's still... well, work! But I never go out, I rarely drink, and I go to bed at a decent hour. I'm a grown up! Ew.

I need to have fun. We all need to have fun. It keeps us sane! But since I work 6 days a week, and usually most of the day, I stay in, doing mostly nothing, so I can make it through the next day with the cheery side of myself I so adore. Then, when I finally get a day off, I spend it doing nothing! Because that feels amazing after the past 6 days of work. No wonder I need a vacation! I never have fun. Boo. Hoo.

Anyways, I feel good right now, and it's a glorious feeling! A feeling I'm going to feed much more from now on. I work my awesome ass off and I deserve it! Dagnabbit! I work so hard at a job where I'm serving people, that I sometimes forget to serve myself. I think we've all been guilty of that before. I'm just so glad I realized it! Hmm... this blogging stuff really does wonders for me, ya' know. I should do it more often =)

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Pursuit of Happiness

So, I decided I am going to start another blog for my perception and reality rants... or wherever that goes... so be on the lookout for that! Now, back to life as I know it...

I'm definitely still in a rut, but I'm inching my way up the walls, burying the dread and negativity behind me. My emotions are so up and down, I can barely keep up! However, I'm aware of my state of madness, and am continually working towards that ultimate goal: Happiness. One thing I've been doing more? Writing. Which, honestly, makes me happier than pretty much anything else. Music may be a part of that, but writing in general is truly a passion of mine. I'm not the best, nowhere near it, but there's something about collecting my thoughts and having it right in front of me that really... oh, I don't know... tickles me pink. Or whatever. It makes me happy. And what is the ultimate goal, children? 'HAPPINESS!!!'

So. On that note, I'm sticking to things that make me happy. There's a magnetic quality about happiness... it's not uncommon to feel fear when that force grabs hold. More often than not, going after something that makes you truly happy can be, well... terrifying! We are so prone to thinking it will reject us... but positive thinking goes a long way. Believing in yourself and believing you deserve something can make a world of difference. For too long, I've struggled with my lack of self-worth. But really... why can't I be truly happy? Have I really ever done anything to make myself feel like I don't deserve happiness? No. I really haven't. I'm not perfect, but who the hell is? I try my best to be a good person every single day, and I'm trying harder, day by day. With the right balance of pressure and acceptance, I'm slowly, but suuuurely, becoming the woman I know I can be. Why am I telling you this? Oh, I'm not, I'm reminding myself. I tend to forget things.

So-
Daily mental reminders that I deserve happiness? Check!
Striving to be the best I can be, every day? Check!
Courage to approach happiness with open arms? Check!
Passion for that I love and those I love? Check!

Not a bad checklist, I'd say. We all need emotional goals, too. It can't all be about that new promotion, or a new wardrobe, or looking good, on or off paper... and I swear, if I hear one more person say they wanna win the lottery, I'm gonna lose it! Newsflash: We ALL want to win the lottery. But is that really going to solve every problem you have in life? No, probably not. It will pay the bills, buy that boat, and probably allow you to be lazy and take a vacation. Great. Money. Whoo. Hoo. What about inner peace and happiness and lending a hand to your fellow man and contributing something to the world, not just the economy?? .... okay, okay- I digress.

The point is, my daily concerns do not revolve around money. I have some, could use some more, but what else is new? That's not important in my reality. I want my dog to be happy, my friends to laugh, my family to feel love, the world to feel peace... all these dolla' dolla' bills y'all can hit the- hit the- hills y'all! ........ yeah, I'm pretty gangster. 

So while you're sitting there, judging my terrible sense of humor, think about this: I've started way too many paragraphs with 'so' in this post; I keep telling you what to do, but hey, I'm bossy; and I'm spreading the word about happiness, because we all deserve it. Knowing where to find it- that's the key. I feel like a janitor, lugging around all these keys! But every door I unlock takes me one step closer to my own happiness. And really, I couldn't ask for more <3

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Perception IS Reality

Ahh... life. Beautiful, fascinating, immeasurable... life. I have done so much research, analyzing and thinking this morning, I may in fact need to start a separate blog, simply for these thoughts! I'm not sure where I want to go with this post, for there is so much information racing across my mind. I'm drawn to the power of knowledge, but even more so to the theories of life, love, energy; the unknown. For what do we really know to be true?

Last night, though I didn't finish it, I watched a good majority of a film titled 'What The %*!# Do We Know?'. It questions what life actually is, and who we actually are. Now, quantum physics and theories which surround it are pretty new to me, though I have pondered the same ideas reflected on in this film. From what I gathered, it is the study of energy and perception, and the particles which make up what we 'see' in life. Why do I quote the word see? Seeing is perceiving, perception is believing. What we perceive determines what we believe to be true. However, when looking closely at the tiniest forms of life and energy, atoms and electrons and what have you, we discover infinite possibilities to the meaning of life and why we are here. These studies show that particles are constantly moving, in and out of existence, forming what we know to be tangible life, creating the world we live in. When we acknowledge these particles, they are in a stationary state, in the sense that they exist only in one place. This is our perception, what our mind wants to see, therefore creating reality. So, in theory, we are CREATING OUR OWN REALITY.

Now, bear with me here, as I am trying to form words to something I am only now discovering... if you can grasp what quantum physics is explaining to us, you will feel shocked and overwhelmed. We create our own reality? So in essence, the world we view only exists as it is because we chose it to be that way? That is a responsibility that we, as human beings, are not apt to accept. I, however, am. When you think about it, we all live in our own reality, our own lives, our own story, and our own perception of what life is and how it affects us. Just as I recently talked about our perception of Monday, (where most people dread this day, yet I look forward to it), it is all a matter of how we perceive it. Someone who starts their work week on this day, perhaps at a job they personally loathe, will view this day as something they dislike. However, someone like me, whose only day off lands on Monday, will view it as a day to look forward to. This applies to everything in life. Everything we do, everything we see, everything we experience; it's all a matter of perception.

This is one, tiny aspect of what I am learning about. There is an infinite amount of topics I would like to discuss concerning these studies. But for today, let's think about that in this sense: perception is everything. If you perceive something to be unpleasant or harmful, it will be, to you. If you perceive something to be pleasant or alluring, it will be, again, to you. Choosing to view life and the world as something beautiful and thrilling can and will open doors to a happier state of mind, leaving your heart open to the positive energy floating about the world. We all have an affect on the world, those around us, and ourselves. We hold a power so strong, that we often fear and ignore it, allowing our lives to continue to exist in the perception we are trained to attain. However, when we acknowledge and embrace our power, the possibilities in life are increasingly vast and endless... So. Use your power for good! I truly believe that if we all came to a better understanding of our own power of perception, life could and would be much, much different. It's within every single one of us, just aching to be utilized.

PS. If I completely lost you in this rant, I apologize. More to come, I assure you that! =)

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Hey There, Lonely Girl

If you read my last blog [A New Beginning], you know I've used this title before... and though I don't like to repeat myself, that deep, dark feeling of loneliness has, once again, entered my life. In a really ugly way. I'm so depressed, I don't even care that I'm repeating myself! NOT. GOOD!

Everyone feels lonely at some point. Heck, everyone feels a bit depressed at some point. I'm one of those people who is particularly good at hiding it, but as I was getting ready to leave work today, it overtook me... and I broke down. So much so, I had to go in the bathroom just to calm down. Um, excuse me breakdown, can you at least wait until I get home?! But no- it doesn't work that way. When your body, mind and heart have had enough, you don't get to choose when it hits you. And of course, now that I'm home, I'm fine. Fine... in a sense. I love being home, and some kind words from a customer certainly brightened my day, but a sad, gray little cloud hovers above me... just aching to shower me in sadness. So for now, I'm not okay, but I'm fine. And as we all know, in girl world, that is not a good thing.

Although... the salt from these Lays potato chips I'm scarfing down is helping...

All kidding aside, I had a very brief talk with the bestie, Sandi Bear, about why I'm feeling this way. I can't even begin to manage this problem if I don't know the source. I realized a few things: besides a short relationship, I've been single for almost 2 years now, which is uncommon for me. I am closest with Sandi, and really only close with Sandi, having had trouble allowing myself to connect with many people. I work very hard, and very often, therefore leaving little time to socialize. I live alone. That's the short and skinny of it. But the real source? The greatest problem I'm facing right now? The ultimate cause of my depression? I'm not loving myself as I should be. For, how can I possibly find happiness in life, alone or not, if I can't simply be happy alone? Don't I constantly preach about loving yourself first, in order to properly love those around you? Hmm?

I scan my blog quite often, and my "tagline" glares at me... "Single, living alone, and loving every minute of it! I may not have much, but I'm happy..." But... But... AM I?? Apparently... NOT. Now, this is pretty obvious in my tangible life. Besides work, which I put my heart into every day, my poor little dream apartment is suffering greatly from my sorrow. It's like my apartment is sad, too! It's messy, there are repairs to be done, it's still not where I want it to be (even after living here for over a year!)... I've said before, I think to Sandi, that my apartment is a reflection of my heart. When it's a mess, my heart's a mess. And it. is. a. MESS! So. In light of these recent revelations, I obviously have some work to do on myself and my private surroundings. I need to love myself. I need to feel happy alone.

A few about-to-happens are definitely going to help me through this process. I'm going to start learning to meditate from a friend of mine and Sandi's. I'm going to sign up with yoga, full time. I'm going to clean this damn apartment!!! Soon... sometime... One thing I have been doing is playing music a lot more lately. I need to blog more often, though... Ugh. I already feel overwhelmed. But- NO! No, Shaneil. It's one step at a time... a slow, thoughtful journey to a happier me. JUST me. Even alone. Because, in reality, I'm not alone. I just feel alone. And I control what happens from here on out. I need to calm down... relax... breathe... focus... choose happiness over crappiness...

Hmm.
I like that.

Screw this! From this day forward, I choose happiness over crappiness! BOOM!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Manic Monday

Ahh, Monday. Last week, I announced via Facebook that I have your back, being my only day off. Today, I plan to take full advantage of you! Don't worry, I'll be gentle...

Normally, I use my one day off a week to relax and simply do... well... nothing. Today, however, I feel anxious. Anxious to do something with my day. Anxious to do something with my life. It's been an interesting week, to say the least, and I'm craving some ever so delicious progress in my life. So, let's eat!

My day has already started with some Buster lovin' and music. Pretty good start, I'd say! Now, I'm thinking a good stretch is in order. Not only does my broken-down body need it, but there's something really beautiful about a good stretch. It's like telling your body and mind, Relax... focus... this day is yours... and it most certainly is.

I have a list of activities I'd like to complete today, and I'm diving in head first. Today, for me, is a wonderful, new day. Every week, I see a mountain of complaints posted on good ol' Facebook about Monday. Being the one day I look forward to every week, it's only natural for me to feel the opposite. But, why can't we all look forward to today? Why does it have to be such a terrible day? I think it's all a matter of perspective. Yes, it's easy for me to enjoy Monday, since I'm off all day. However, I look forward to every day. Every day is a new chance to do something new, be someone new, create possibilities and conquer goals. Whether you're starting your work week, or ending it, it doesn't change that fact. It's still a bright, blessed, brand new day.

So, let's ALL dive in with a new perspective! Today doesn't have to be horrendous, it can actually be a wondrous day, filled with joy and love! Change your mindset, and you can change your attitude. Change your attitude, and you can change your perspective. Change your perspective, and you can change the day's outcome. It's really all up to you. Choose to be happy, and happiness will choose you. It really can be that simple. And on that note, I'm off to conquer today, with a smile on my face! And the next day, and the next... because I choose to. What will you choose?