So, it's been a while... not sure why I refuse to write more than a couple of times a month, but here I am. So hush.
I've been going through some very strange times in my life. Strange, not because of tangible experience, but feelings. Ah, yes... feeeelings. We meet again! Quit crampin' my style, yo'! More often than not, I just can't handle my feelings. I'm such an emotional being, with insecurities up the wazoo, that I find myself on auto-pilot most of the time. Living life with a smile on my face, enjoying the moment, yet almost numb to what's really going on. So what is really going on?
Well, fuck if I know! I know I feel sad... I know I feel anxious... and I know I feel conflicted. Aaand I sure as HELL know I feel fear. Last night was the first time I really felt sad about leaving LA. Today, that sadness manifested itself into intense fear. If I feel unsure about something, it MUST be wrong, right? Right.
NO! Not right! I'm just afraid...
I have let fear run the majority of my life, relinquishing the control that is rightfully mine over my own life and choices. Because of this, I know in my heart that I have missed many opportunities. Though I'm at peace, knowing I may not be where I am today without my permanent past, I still fear the fear of my near future. Well, that sentence is a mess! In other words, I don't want to live with ANY regrets, having missed ANY opportunities. I don't WANT the fear, I fear the fear.
"The only thing to fear, is fear itself."
I just made that up. True story. With shades of gray. Or all gray..... It's a gray area.
Okay, I didn't make it up. Obviously. However, for the first time in my life, I'm truly living the meaning of that statement. I'm living, breathing, and feeling everything about that statement. I am that statement. And I want to punch that statement in the FACE!
It's incredibly frustrating, living with myself. I have a hard time making choices, making changes... I'm not exactly a fan of change. It's terrifying to me. But it's time. It's closing in on me... only a month and a half left, and I change everything. No more dream apartment. No more dream job. No more dream city. No more dream life, masking the dream that lies deep within me... to pursue music. I'm sure it goes without saying that I don't think I'm good enough. I don't think I have the talent. I don't think I have the balls. But I'm doing it. I'm diving in head first. And I can't turn back now...
So what if I don't achieve my dream? So what if I fail miserably? So what if I go back to where I started? At least I tried, right? Right. For real, this time. I certainly don't want to be 80, sharing my dream with my grandchildren, and facing the question: "So why didn't you ever try?" I want to try. I want to live. I want to dream. I fear the regret more than the fear. Well... it's a close tie. Either way, this is happening, and I'll be damned if I allow myself to get in my own way!
How many people do you know that have a dream?
How many do you know who pursued it?
How many made it?
How many never tried, and settled for a mediocre life?
How many regret it?
How many are YOU?
I won't do it. I just won't. I won't settle for less. If I never get anywhere with my music, fine. It's okay. I have to be okay with that, but I cannot let it pull me away from the dream. I'm going to enjoy this ride, wherever it takes me, leading with my heart and feeding my soul. We only have this one life, and the one thing I plan on doing is kicking fear out of it. It was never invited, never accepted, never encouraged... and it's time I put it in its place. As far as possible... away from me. Step off, FEAR! No one likes you.
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