Hey There, Lonely Girl

If you read my last blog [A New Beginning], you know I've used this title before... and though I don't like to repeat myself, that deep, dark feeling of loneliness has, once again, entered my life. In a really ugly way. I'm so depressed, I don't even care that I'm repeating myself! NOT. GOOD!

Everyone feels lonely at some point. Heck, everyone feels a bit depressed at some point. I'm one of those people who is particularly good at hiding it, but as I was getting ready to leave work today, it overtook me... and I broke down. So much so, I had to go in the bathroom just to calm down. Um, excuse me breakdown, can you at least wait until I get home?! But no- it doesn't work that way. When your body, mind and heart have had enough, you don't get to choose when it hits you. And of course, now that I'm home, I'm fine. Fine... in a sense. I love being home, and some kind words from a customer certainly brightened my day, but a sad, gray little cloud hovers above me... just aching to shower me in sadness. So for now, I'm not okay, but I'm fine. And as we all know, in girl world, that is not a good thing.

Although... the salt from these Lays potato chips I'm scarfing down is helping...

All kidding aside, I had a very brief talk with the bestie, Sandi Bear, about why I'm feeling this way. I can't even begin to manage this problem if I don't know the source. I realized a few things: besides a short relationship, I've been single for almost 2 years now, which is uncommon for me. I am closest with Sandi, and really only close with Sandi, having had trouble allowing myself to connect with many people. I work very hard, and very often, therefore leaving little time to socialize. I live alone. That's the short and skinny of it. But the real source? The greatest problem I'm facing right now? The ultimate cause of my depression? I'm not loving myself as I should be. For, how can I possibly find happiness in life, alone or not, if I can't simply be happy alone? Don't I constantly preach about loving yourself first, in order to properly love those around you? Hmm?

I scan my blog quite often, and my "tagline" glares at me... "Single, living alone, and loving every minute of it! I may not have much, but I'm happy..." But... But... AM I?? Apparently... NOT. Now, this is pretty obvious in my tangible life. Besides work, which I put my heart into every day, my poor little dream apartment is suffering greatly from my sorrow. It's like my apartment is sad, too! It's messy, there are repairs to be done, it's still not where I want it to be (even after living here for over a year!)... I've said before, I think to Sandi, that my apartment is a reflection of my heart. When it's a mess, my heart's a mess. And it. is. a. MESS! So. In light of these recent revelations, I obviously have some work to do on myself and my private surroundings. I need to love myself. I need to feel happy alone.

A few about-to-happens are definitely going to help me through this process. I'm going to start learning to meditate from a friend of mine and Sandi's. I'm going to sign up with yoga, full time. I'm going to clean this damn apartment!!! Soon... sometime... One thing I have been doing is playing music a lot more lately. I need to blog more often, though... Ugh. I already feel overwhelmed. But- NO! No, Shaneil. It's one step at a time... a slow, thoughtful journey to a happier me. JUST me. Even alone. Because, in reality, I'm not alone. I just feel alone. And I control what happens from here on out. I need to calm down... relax... breathe... focus... choose happiness over crappiness...

Hmm.
I like that.

Screw this! From this day forward, I choose happiness over crappiness! BOOM!