Breakdown, It's Alright...

I'm goin' down, folks- and it ain't pretty! Sandi's leaving tomorrow, moving down to San Diego, and I'm bummed. And being bummed is reminding me of everything else I'm bummed about. And that, in turn, is bumming me out!! *Siiigh*

Okay, so I'm having a weeee bit of a meltdown. But it's okay! I think I need it... I've been having some really, really bad days... low days... but suddenly I'm smiling and laughing a bit, at myself of course. And ya' know what? It feels good. I think I suddenly just had the acceptance of the fact that everything is going to be okay. It is. Wow... it even felt good to say that! (Write that... whatever.)

The point is, it's the first time I've felt relief in quite some time. My mind has been travelling some dark and dreary paths, and I needed something, anything, and quickly. I have a plan for the near future, yes. I'm setting goals and creating ways to achieve them, yes. But it's all "someday" and "one day" and I need happiness "TOday". I can't dwell on the future. I can see it clearly, and strive towards it, but I can't just wait for it. I have to live in the present, feel apart of something. I was speaking about this with Ms. Sandi recently, and I said something to her that embodied exactly how I feel. It really shook me. I said, "I feel like nobody. Like I'm nobody." What a terribly depressing feeling! To feel no purpose... unnecessary... no use at all. Geez louise, Shaneil! GET IT TOGETHER!

To best describe this feeling in a relatable way, I guess I'd say I feel like someone who just realized they no longer believe in God. Someone who lost all faith in something better... it's a little terrifying! I started to wonder why I even existed... and took it too far. That's the short and skinny of it. But for the first time in a long time, I felt good tonight. Relieved, as I said. Letting it all crash down, if even for just a moment, released some deep-seeded feelings I've been struggling with. I'm still hurting, if not only beginning to hurt, but the path is a little brighter, a little more positive, a little more motivating. A bit more attainable and a lot more exciting! I have some big plans for this life of mine. It's time I embraced that, instead of dreading the wait. Every single day, I have the power to make that day mine. Make it something to remember. Make it a good day. Hmm... I feel like I know someone who has preached this before... but hey! I never said I take my own advice, I just looove to give it! ;)