On The Road Again

This path towards happiness and a new change in my life is opening new insights and new perspectives every day. I'm constantly overwhelmed with various emotions, each one leading me towards a new revelation.

I'm beginning to realize how unhappy I am...
How frightened I am...
How alone I am...

Yet, simultaneously, reminding myself how strong I can be...
How strong I am.

I hold the power to create the reality I want to exist in... but I find myself wallowing in sorrow and self-pity. I want to leave LA. I want to be in love. I want to do more with my life. I want... no, I need, change. Damn that broken record player!

So I've said all of this before, time and time again, but it feels like the more I say it, the more I believe it. And the more I believe it, the stronger I feel inside. The stronger I feel, the more motivated I feel... and believe me, I need motivation!

The main struggle I'm having is feeling alone. So alone. I had a nice talk with my Grammy the other day, and she reminded me not to dismiss how hard it is to be single and alone. She reassured me that it's okay to feel that way. I guess I don't like to admit it, being so aware of the many struggles for so many other people. I don't feel like I have the right to be sad about being alone... but I am. I would do anything for someone I truly loved... and only want someone to feel the same. And that's okay. What I shouldn't do, however, is put all of my efforts into something that is never gonna happen...

But that's another story.

In the meantime, it is incredibly important that I love myself as I would said future lover. And, to be totally honest, I am not doing that. Today, however, I awoke knowing this. I've never been more aware of the damage I'm causing by neglecting myself. So, I'm embarking on a new road towards happiness. Not only everything I've discussed recently, but also keeping my mind and heart away from an illusion I've built up... Vague, I know, but some things are better left private. I guess my point is- I'm changing. I'm evolving. I'm growing and learning and continuing to love. This maze of emotions is taking me all over the place, but it's leading me towards something better. Something I deserve. And when I get there, all of this moaning and groaning and hurting will be worth it.

Every. Single. Bit of it.