Scattered Thoughts

I'm having one of those nights where I wish I was someone else.

...Yuck. I already hate this post.

I never feel this way. Ever. I really like who I've become, and how I still learn every day. However, for whatever reason, I feel really, really low tonight. And so I write...

Sometimes, I'm great.
Sometimes, I'm fun.
Heck, sometimes, I'm funny. Sometimes.

Sometimes, I'm a pain. Who isn't? For example, I left a hangout sesh early tonight because I have a problem. I simply cannot watch shows I've never seen in "large" groups. Large, being more than myself and one other person. I can't help it. I hear like an old lady as it is, and I really, really like to hear every single word. Seriously. It's no one's fault, just my own issue. So I came home. 

Sometimes, I'm emotional. I am a woman, after all, and a songwriter, at that! So I think about things I long for and wonder if it's me... maybe if I change...

Pish posh, that's horseshit and I know it.

Yet, these are the things going through my mind tonight. Why do I have to be so difficult sometimes? Why do I blame myself for things I can't help? Why am I so hard on myself? It's strange to me, knowing myself so well, how I can be so forgiving with everyone but myself. Sure, I stand my ground where I see fit, but I try my hardest to accept people as they are. We all have our own unique personalities that make us "us"; being different is the beauty of people. But... here I sit. Beating myself down. Just for being me. How sad.

I could sit here and speculate and analyze and whine some more, but I know this feeling and from where it stems. I'm aching for that change I keep talking about. The good news? I actually mapped out my 6-month plan! Now... where to start...

But it isn't enough. I need results. Such is the engineer behind my procrastination: I overwhelm myself. Looking at the big picture only stretches the time... soon, however, time is up... no wonder I have anxiety.  

So, short thoughts tonight. Can ya' keep up?? Probably not. It's okay, just think of this post like an engine. You're revving that engine, and there's noise coming out, but nothing's really coming alive yet. Yup! That's me right now. Allow me to collect these thoughts I've dropped everywhere and continue on another night. This mess ain't gonna clean up itself!