All Byyy Myyyself...

Have I used this title before? In my last blog? I can't remember... okay, I have to go check...

......... Alright. We're good..... Don't. Judge. ME!

So, more thinking; more analyzing; more steps towards what's really going on inside of this emotional, effed-up girl. I feel alone; which can be perceived as silly, irrational, dramatic- whatever you want to call it; but it's how I feel.

It's not the first time I've come to this conclusion; an observation of what's really bothering me. I felt it, and said it out loud, recently... about a week ago. I also recall feeling this way around the same time, last year, and posting about it in my blog. So, this is, apparently, an annual emotional battle I go through.

However, this year is a little different... I'm realizing that as I've grown older, experienced heartbreak, recovered and moved forward, I've put up more and more walls, and didn't even notice. I've cut myself off from the world and the people within it, for fear I may feel that heartache, once again. I no longer allow just anybody in... I sit and wait. Wait for the moment I feel we truly connect, and then you're stuck! Stuck with my stories, feelings and desires. The right ones accept it, embrace it, and guide me through life in their own special way. The wrong ones, well...

The wrong ones reject it, and another wall goes up. BAM! Just like that. Am I missing out on some pretty incredible people, who could quite possibly light up my life in a way I never thought possible? Probably. Which is probably why I've been reaching out in small ways... reconnecting with dear friends on facebook... making new friends on facebook, even people I've never met... actuallyyyy... that's about it. Nothing tangible; all at a distance. Man, I really have some work to do!

The thing is- I'm picky. I used to let anyone in, and usually got hurt in the end. I'm quite the complicated chick... and though I can be great at being there for others, it's tough for someone to be there for me. For one, I'm the advice-giver! If someone has a problem or internal confliction, I can't help but put in my two cents in the hopes that I may help someone feel better! Yet, if I have a problem, I'm absolutely TERRIBLE at taking advice! Normally, I just want someone to listen... but people have trouble just listening. They want to intervene, advise, forewarn, and sometimes tell you what to do. How do I know this? I AM THAT WAY. Is that a good way to be? No... not really.

I have to step back and recognize that sometimes, that's what other people want, too. Someone to talk to; to listen; to lend a shoulder. Maybe if I become better at this, other people will reciprocate. But, the only way for that to happen, is for me to knock down some walls. I've learned to be a little less trusting of people, but it seems I've only travelled to the other extreme... NO ONE gets in. And even with this state of mind, I find myself trying to force people in, who don't want to be there. Then, I hear my own advice in my head: "Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't spend their time on you." And I ignore it. I know better than that...

*Sigh* Blah, blah, flippin' BLAH... I'm rambling... if you're reading this, my sincerest apologies. Writing is my therapy, my dearest friend, so this is more for me, and less for you. I'm trying to create waves in a glass of water, and that shit just keeps SPILLING OUT! I know I'm getting closer to a better me... and a better sense of being. It just takes time. I'm so all-over-the-place confused, that even my blogs make no sense. Did they ever??? Seems I had more readers last year... but again, It's Just Me. Even the theme of this blog is me being alone... sounds like I'm creating my own reality, then complaining about it. I'm. So. Done. Something needs to change quickly... this is not how I want to sound, and certainly not how I want to feel. I promise that my next blog will not be so pathetic. But, we're all allowed to feel this way, and I'm just another example. HOWEVER. I WILL prevail! I WILL break through! I WILL come out stronger! Besides, tomorrow's a new day... with new possibilities. Let's ALL take advantage, yeah? =)