24 Hours to Live

In light of recent... depression... I've been doing some heavy thinking about my life and what I want from it. Okay, yes, that's pretty standard for me, especially with my writing... but I'm yearning for a drastic change more than ever... and it stems mostly from a strong desire to relocate. To where, you ask? No. Effing. Clue.

Does anyone remember Mase? Or is it Ma$e? Yes, the rapper who teamed up with Poof Diddily, or whatever his name is now, and made, I believe, one album before retiring from the music industry. Yes, I own said album. Yes, that was hard to admit. Anyways... he had a song called "24 Hours To Live", the hook being "If you had 24 hours to live, just think- Where would you go? What would you do? Who would you screw?" Not exactly the deepest lyrics, but thought-provoking enough for it to pop into my head today. I started to ask myself these questions... I certainly know the answer to one of those questions! But where would I go and what would I do? I just don't know yet... but I aim to figure it out.

Life is incredibly unpredictable, so at the risk of sounding morbid, I started to wonder how I would live my life if I found out I had cancer. What would suddenly become important to me? How would I plan out the next few years or even months I had left? How would I prioritize what I want from the rest of my life? I found it difficult to answer, and that in itself, is depressing. Sure, most of us struggle to answer these same questions, and I am not diminishing what may be important to someone else. But, let's keep it real, this is about me. My blog; my gripes! And I am just not happy anymore. Something inside of me is screaming for release... release from the life I've been living and the actions I've been taking... or not taking.

Last night, I had a beer with my Sandi Bear, who is going through the same struggle within herself. We discussed what we would do if we could do, well, anything! Ya' know, no worries about money, time, etc... and I realized that I would travel. Get in a car, with only the items I truly need, and drive around the country, staying in random small towns, getting to know the people, the local spots... the community. Test drive these places, if you will, until I found one that filled my heart and soul with everything it's been aching for. 'Well now, hold on there, Shaneil! Didn't you just blog a while back about how every city has its flaws, and we should learn to embrace where we are as home???' Yes, well- I changed my mind. I'm a woman; I'm allowed.

I want to be surrounded by love. People who appreciate the world as I do, and prioritize their lives in a way that makes sense to me. Los Angeles is not that place. I'm getting so very tired of people-watching and feeling disgusted with the results. Walking around the city, only to find another needless building being built, another neighborhood tagged, more smog in the air, more trash on the ground, more people suffering, those not suffering endlessly complaining, so on, and soooo forth. Over it, I am.

My core problem? I have no idea where I want to go. So far, the only place that has presented itself as a possibility is San Francisco. I would know people there, basically be guaranteed a job, live close to my wonderful grandmother, and still be surrounded by music and people who appreciate said music. Do I really want to live there, though? No clue. I don't even know if I want to stay in California anymore... but I can't make a decision if I don't know what's out there. I'm seriously considering attempting my previously stated dream... to travel around, staying wherever for however long, and experiencing new surroundings. This would require me to continue to work hard, save up as much as possible, and map out a plan of attack. Hmm... could I do it? I can do anything I set my mind to, right? Maybe it's time for me to take notice of a little engine that could...

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

No, wait. I know I can!

'Wait, Shaneil! Who exactly WOULD you screw???' Perverts! ;)