Well, hello there! Just doin' some writin'... join me, will you? Not... not in the writing. Just to read the writing... to listen... ? ...Hello?? ...IS ANYONE THERE??!!
So, I sat down tonight, and read through the blogs I've written so far this year... and I'm not exactly impressed. For one, I find them boring. Just... boring. For two, I seem to be self-deprecating a lot... hence my previous statement. What the hell is wrong with me??
Well, I'm smack-dab in the middle of a soul-searching session, which anyone who's been through it knows doesn't happen overnight. [Holy crap, did that make any sense?? Ha!] Point being, I feel like I'm floating around in a bubble, trapped in my own personal journey to a newer, hopefully better, me. I see the world around me, I hear my surroundings, but they're somewhat cloudy through the shell of said bubble. (Gosh, I love that use of the word 'said'. Have you noticed I use it a lot? It's just... fun. Is that weird? Nerdy, I guess? Anywaysss.....)
So. I'm in this bubble. FOCUS. And I'm in the world... but I'm not. Kinda' how I feel when I'm driving alone... and... I feel like I'm getting depressed. No. I know I'm getting depressed, if not already there. I've been re-he-heeeally emotional lately, though a surprise visit from Mother Nature confirmed my suspicions on saaaid emotions... =) ... yet, I feel like there's more to it than that. I can feel it... calling. In the air. Tonight. BUT. It's hard to answer the phone from inside a bubble! (And yes, I'm aware it's 'coming in the air tonight'... but that just wouldn't work for my metaphor, now would it!!) You see, if I answer the call, I burst my own bubble, leaving myself vunerable to the world and its ability to hit you where it hurts the most. But I feel a change coming in my life... and it is so incredibly important for me to pay attention to what's going on around me, guiding my life in the direction I know is best for me. This may include, but is not limited to: various forms of change, conquering obstacles, failures, and acceptance. Whiiich... may also include: pure joy, anxiety, strength I knew I had, strength I didn't know I had, weakness I knew... hell and didn't know... I had, and happiness I didn't know was possible.
Wait. Why do I hold myself back? I'm writing this, and reading it, and rereading it, and... yeah. I go back a LOT... and I'm realizing how silly I sound. For one, I'm suuuper tired! I work about 50 hours a week, and it is catching up with me! For another... I'm already so lost in myself, that I can't even see out anymore. I need to get over myself! And I mean that, not in a conceited kind of way, but in the sense that... I'm being pathetic. Yup. That's it. Pa-the-tic. I have so much potential, but I constantly dwell on thoughts of undeservingness... or some fancy word that means I suck. Plain and simple. My insecurities have shifted from appearance issues as a teen, to success issues as an adult. At my day job, I have confidence in myself. I know I'm good at what I do, and I fight for recognition of said ability. However, in everything else, be it music, relationships, friendships, what have you... I don't feel worthy of what I probably deserve. NAY! What I do deserve. So, I hold myself back... back from potentially amazing, new chapters in my life.
The funny thing? Today's post was originally started to talk about my writing style this year. It's different... I don't know if I like it. But I'm realizing... I'm just changing. I'm growing older, I'm experiencing new things, and I'm growing tired... tired of just floating through life in a protective bubble. Tired of talking about things, instead of doing them. So my writing is failing... because there's nothing really going on! And because I hear myself repeating myself, so I'm growing bored with my blog. I need... fresh air. I need to live... really live. Breathe life in, filling my lungs with its precious oxygen... feel inspiration... feel inspiiired... even whispering the word sounds like a sigh of relief. I can't just live my life in two places: home and work. I need to get out, see things, hear things, feel, smell, taste- you get the picture. And I'm pretty sure I need to get out of LA. Not today. Not tomorrow. But soon... I've thought about it a lot lately, and I always picture 1 year from now being my mark. I just don't think I can last longer than that. And it's not because I don't love LA, I do! But, I'm 27, I've never even been on a damn plane, and I'm starting to feel like the ground is glued to my feet. I need to spread my wings, and fly away. I may even try out different places... but I know, LA is not the end to my journey. There is so much more waiting for me out there... in the world. And I aim to experience all I can before its impending doom... because.... come on. We all know the planet is dying, and it ain't no Mayan Calendar telling us so! Don't even get me started... that's a whole 'nother blog! A long one... just telling you now ;) ... and I'll tell ya' what else... there's something happening here. What it is... it isn't exactly clear... and this man... he's over there with a gun! What the FUCK!
I am going to send you a poem titled Monday, I think you will connect with what I was feeling when I wrote it.
ReplyDeleteI think moving to all the different places throughout the country has made me who I am today. I highly recommend traveling and getting out and seeing the world. I have met people I never would have encountered if I would have stayed in Cleveland, Ohio.
On your issues with appearance, you are beautiful and you resemble Zoe D, do not ask me to spell her name but I know she is on New Girl and was completely adorable in Elf. We all only focus in on flaws, but try to see yourself as the world outside your rambling mind sees you.Our thoughts sometimes control our securities, and we have the power to tune them out and hear what our loved ones are saying instead.
I hope you get a break from work soon,too much work can tax anyone into oblivion. I have been there one too many times, as you will see when I send you the poem.
Love and Light
Namaste'
Rose