Dreamed A Little Dream of Me

Holy. Fricken'. Canoli. MOLY!!! Nothing like your subconscious to manifest a nightmare to jolt you awake... literally and figuratively! My life has been so stagnant lately, and though I keep talking about making moves, I'm really... well, not. Yes, I've picked up a whole mess of hours at work and am finally independently, financially stable (well, minus the stack of creditors calling me). Yes, I'm performing at the House of Blues, yet again, with my good friends, Sam & Sandi. Yes, I've lost a bunch of weight and feel pretty damn good about myself.

Okay, maybe I have made some moves.

But, not nearly enough! For one, the money situation? Still have a load of debt! The performances? They're not even for my own music! And the weight loss? Great- but I still have a lot to work on health wise. Quitting smoking, better eating habits, stretching, exercise...

However, this nightmare... it had nothing to do with these observations, and yet... everything to do with them! In this short dream (which occurred after waking up early this morning, then falling back asleep for an hour), I had let myself go so much, that I was crashing in the most random places, including the streets. When I finally came home one day, I arrived to discover that my apartment had been cleared out, the apartment number changed, and two young boys were living in my studio. (Note: while looking for my apartment, I kept getting lost in the building, almost unable to find my way back... more symbolism, if you ask me!) When I finally barged into what I thought was my apartment, the two boys seemed to feel sad for me, and even let me use their phone to call my landlord. My landlord, being his usual snarky self, listened to my cries and pleas concerning the loss of my apartment and personal items, then said, "Well, you sound good." Condescending, snarky, sarcastic tone... and I lost it. Broke down, hysterically crying, mind racing at the thought of losing everything in one moment... but, it wasn't one moment. It had been a long time coming... and all because I lost control.

Then, I woke up.

That was 20 minutes ago. When I woke up, I looked around, soaking in the sight of my dream apartment, precious little angel face (Buster), and personal belongings. Mind you, personal belongings being a collection of items with little monetary value, but extreme sentimental value. The emotions that overcame me were not of happiness, but of desperation. Relief that it wasn't too late, yet awareness that it could be. Now, don't get me wrong, I pay rent on time. I don't cause disturbances in my building. My apartment isn't that messy. I'm not exactly in line to be evicted and literally lose everything. However, losing everything does NOT mean tangibly. Losing everything, to me, right now, in this moment, means losing everything that makes me who I am. Everything that makes me happy. The internal everything... s. They are slowly slipping away...

Well, today, I awoke renewed. Rejuvenated. Refreshed. Awake. Aware. NO MORE. I'm saying it right now, out loud and inwardly, NO. FLIPPIN'. MORE. My apartment is a mess, my dog is depressed, I never cook, I rarely play, and I take life for granted, every day. There's so much I could be doing... should be doing... and the fear of passing a point of no return has finally opened my eyes.

I know what you're thinking... I'm thinking it, too... I've said this all before. I've written about this before. I've strived towards this before. Well, you, the doubts in my mind, and the fear in my heart can just shut the hell up!!! I've been a lot of talk lately, I know this... but something about this dream really struck a chord within me... if you could imagine a chord, or even one note, that embodies what it feels like to wake up this way... frightened, alone... spiraling down a well of failures, yet suddenly, looking up and seeing the light growing dimmer. It's a rude awakening that I needed to feel, and a note playing with every beat of my heart. Living day by day, work shift by shift, bill by bill, sleep by sleep... it has to stop. Life is so much more than that, and I for one, REFUSE to just stroll through life.

So. Goals. Dreams. Wishes. Aspirations. All that good stuff... let's get that ball rollin'!

Music.
Cooking.
Writing.
Health.
Debts.
Pup's Well Being.
Dream Apartment.

These are my priorities. These are my dreams. These make me happy... and yes, that sounds really weird when spoken aloud. So, maybe grammar, too. The point is... what was my point?... oh yeah, no more distractions. No more gliding through life with the bare minimum. That is not my style. I left Fresno years ago, because I wanted more. More than the average life. More than the norm. I, for one, am not normal. And I'm proud of that... now, I want to be proud of me. My life resume. But, not just my life on paper, my soul. My inner well-being. I just don't want to look back one day, and wish I had done that... I make it a personal priority to never live with regrets. Yet, the only person who can control that is, you guessed it, ME.

So.. hey... hey, Shaneil... yeah, you- come here. Um... get your shit together! Okay?! Please and thank you.