All I Ever Wanted...

As I was making my coffee this morning, I noticed something unusual... Silence. Complete, utter silence. At first, I thought how beautiful it was... then suddenly, "Holy crap, is it the end of the world today?? .... No.... no, wait... helicopter and bus driving by. We're good." Maybe I do need to get out of the city.

Or maybe, I'm just longing for something that has left. Yup, pretty sure that's it. A recent visit from an old friend unexpectedly opened up some old wounds... and I'm finding myself struggling to return to my blissful state of being. My mood has changed... I'm not as... bouncy? Not as witty; not as energetic; not as happy. I'm suddenly reevaluating what I really want, as I watch this person going through the same thing.

I've also come to the realization that I will always care about this person more than they care about me. I'm sure we've all felt this way before... but I'm conflicted. Am I okay with that? Can I live with that? Is that 'just the way it is'? How do you accept something so... so... depressing? I'm not one to quote recent pop songs (as in, from the last 20 years), but Kelly Clarkson has a song that says, "All I ever wanted was a simple way to get over you". Apparently, these "simple ways" do. not. exist.

It's been well over a year since I started this journey to accepting what I cannot change. And I was fine. Fine! Now... I desperately need to return my focus to what I can change. What I can control. My life is in my hands, and like a delicate fabergé egg, I need to handle with care. Any sudden movements, and my life could fall to the floor, shattering into a million broken pieces, each one an integral part of what makes me happy... and makes me me. Okay Shaneil, WAKE UP!!!

There's work to be done, moves to be made, challenges to conquer. I don't have time for this! Wasting my time and energy on something I have no say in is just silly! I obviously still have some healing to do, but I'm moving forward with a stronger heart, a healthier mind, and a clear conscience. I know what I deserve, so I'm not settling for less. The heart can be foolish... but I am NO fool. It's Just Me... It's Just Me... and I know how to treat me right! So, from this day forward, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.